Points first.
Food: tuna salad at uni (with crutongs - god they were good!) ~ 400, macaroni caserole with cucumber and a tomato ~400 + 7 cadies at work in the morning.
--> 20 points
Exercise: Balletone & Zumba + a lot of walking (6 km I believe)
--> 25 seems fair and square
Water: maybe a 1 liter, I really should drink more
--> 10 points
With the sleep of 20 points my totals are 75. Not bad, not bad at all.
But yesterday after administration meeting we went to "have that one". I actually had just one cranberry long drink and a cocoa and no one drank more than that. But the things I told people (at that point there was Yuki, Il an year older fellow student and Ku our junior student)... we were talking first about parents - mainly me and Yuki and the boys were listening. I told that I don't really get along with my mother... or now I do but that the thing we talk about are more like "what kinda weather is" style and not any deeper than that. Then the thing went on, deeper and I said that in teenage I took it all on myself cuz I'm not the person to explode on others... and that when did it explode, it really did explode. I told them that I considered killing myself; walked on the thin ice one winter evening and it was really close I didn't start jumping. I said it's an inch away that I wouldn't be sitting with them.
Ooops... wasn't I the one who shouldn't trust people? And those people aren't even the closest friends here that I have... not even Yuki, she's so new thing to me. But they took it well. I couldn't watch Yuki but Il was just like "well thank god you are." He's right. I'm so happy that I am. I would have missed so much by ending my life there. Seriously I'm starting to think that the psykoteraphy is not an option. I'm able to talk about my past with people who don't value me in any state of craziness and see that I'm actually doing quite ok with eating. It would be pointless to open those scars wide open again just the sake of finding the reasons that I've found long time ago. Getting better is a long process... really long. But it's getting easier now, I'm past of my first year of hell and second year of fading in between. Sure I still have those days and I'm not eating like a normal person should but honestly do you know ANY uni student who would? And they don't have an ed. It's simply the lifestyle, lack of money and the nights.
Today I do feel more and more that this play with food is behind me... that's for today. Don't know how is it tomorrow and that's how it is with history like this. I cannot expect it to be anything more.
Stillimagining: <3 We so shall rock this!! xoxo
Food: tuna salad at uni (with crutongs - god they were good!) ~ 400, macaroni caserole with cucumber and a tomato ~400 + 7 cadies at work in the morning.
--> 20 points
Exercise: Balletone & Zumba + a lot of walking (6 km I believe)
--> 25 seems fair and square
Water: maybe a 1 liter, I really should drink more
--> 10 points
With the sleep of 20 points my totals are 75. Not bad, not bad at all.
But yesterday after administration meeting we went to "have that one". I actually had just one cranberry long drink and a cocoa and no one drank more than that. But the things I told people (at that point there was Yuki, Il an year older fellow student and Ku our junior student)... we were talking first about parents - mainly me and Yuki and the boys were listening. I told that I don't really get along with my mother... or now I do but that the thing we talk about are more like "what kinda weather is" style and not any deeper than that. Then the thing went on, deeper and I said that in teenage I took it all on myself cuz I'm not the person to explode on others... and that when did it explode, it really did explode. I told them that I considered killing myself; walked on the thin ice one winter evening and it was really close I didn't start jumping. I said it's an inch away that I wouldn't be sitting with them.Ooops... wasn't I the one who shouldn't trust people? And those people aren't even the closest friends here that I have... not even Yuki, she's so new thing to me. But they took it well. I couldn't watch Yuki but Il was just like "well thank god you are." He's right. I'm so happy that I am. I would have missed so much by ending my life there. Seriously I'm starting to think that the psykoteraphy is not an option. I'm able to talk about my past with people who don't value me in any state of craziness and see that I'm actually doing quite ok with eating. It would be pointless to open those scars wide open again just the sake of finding the reasons that I've found long time ago. Getting better is a long process... really long. But it's getting easier now, I'm past of my first year of hell and second year of fading in between. Sure I still have those days and I'm not eating like a normal person should but honestly do you know ANY uni student who would? And they don't have an ed. It's simply the lifestyle, lack of money and the nights.
Today I do feel more and more that this play with food is behind me... that's for today. Don't know how is it tomorrow and that's how it is with history like this. I cannot expect it to be anything more.Stillimagining: <3 We so shall rock this!! xoxo
1 kommentti:
yayy! good job on the points dear! I knew you could do it! reading abt how ur grateful to be alive now gave me hope and encouragement as I was just feeling pretty down, so thank u & I too am very thankful that ur still here<3 stay strong!
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