I've been lazy writer, sorry for that. There's just haven't been too much going on, I've been writing essays and red Finnish history all day long since Monday. Bet you don't wanna hear what I've learned from doing that.

And the main reason to that title is my hotmail mail shutting down, I forgot my password and now they cannot make sure it's me based on the info I gave them. Just so FUCK. This can only lead to an catastrophe... cuz I've also lost my password to my hometown library's online service and the e-mail they got is the one I can't get in. I also should go mom's today... I promised that I'd visit my (half)brother this weekend. He got two sons and I guess it's be appreciated if aunt visited more often that once a year.

Chapter about my food intake lately starts with two days between 400 - 600 and the I by accident said at subway 30cm cuz the girl before me said so... and I didn't bother to correct that. I even took it as a meal with the macadamia nut COOCKIE. Before that I had had a little bowl of oatmeal, so with my intention to be healthier that's good... but I can't deny that my head wasn't screaming. At that point I was waiting my friend to come in town and she had said that she'd buy something with coffee, so I ended up buying two chocolate bars only to figure that she hasn't bought anything or forgot it totally.
   Yesterday I had bigger oatmeal and chicken-Parmesan bread at Robert's coffee. Later at Ao's house she and Bei threw an ice cream at me so I had to eat that too. When I came home I ate blueberry smash with unflavored fat free yogurt... gee with me. I thought I wanted to stay safely under 1500. (Which I also know will seem a lot to most of you, it is. Trust me. I can't manage that much within a normal day. And still I'm this fucking flabby fat ball bouncing around.)

Long way ahead again, but thank God I don't need to swim the hole way

I got also a huge problem... or it shouldn't be I'm just making it one. I've got the psych meeting in two weeks, I've no idea what she's gonna be like and how that is gonna affect me. I should tell my friends what's going on... worst part is that I should have done this way sooner than now, I've been lying to them and I'm just so fucking scared that they will get mad with me. At the same time I do know that they aren't like that, they won't... I'm just bad at trusting people and that's why words stuck in my throat every time I try. But I'm gonna need them there if she turns out to be a shitty shrink... which again is what I fear after the last experience. Or even if she wasn't this can turn ugly cuz I react and handle things bad. I don't think I'm gonna fall where I was three years ago (abusing laxatives, caffeine pills, any other pills I could find, running against walls, depression, trying to kill myself, cutting, crying, running, screaming... ... etc) but you can't never know.
   I so will snap if that shrink doesn't give any credit for what I've done on my own and with help of Shou-nu. Cuz I've come far, I know that, I've been happier these past two years than I've been ever since this shit started. I'd like to stay that way. Lately I've been living too much with my past, there's so much stuff I need to cope with for real and that's the main reason I'm going to talk there. That harms me more than the things I do to myself simply because I can. I so need to get over this "I can handle it on my own" and turn off the surviving mode and realize I'm not alone. Somewhere deep down I know/hope they'll understand. Sure they do. This isn't gonna affect them, it's my problem and I just want to be able to speak freely. They will worry but they don't need to. I don't want this to be taboo but the last thing I need is my ed coming between my friends and me, I'm not allowing that. We might be team that works together for a better life and sometimes team mates fight, but to mess with my friends is something that I don't allow at any point, no matter what. I also wish that by telling them they'll learn from it and when ever they got something to worry about I can truly help them. Now I'm being a lousy friend and I need to fix it.

Realised that I haven't welcomed you, my dear readers. (It's weird that someone is actually reading this :3)