Popcorn, chips, chocolate, ice cream - I thought I'd know better by now

It started at the moose party on Friday. I knew I was going to eat a lot so why not to go shop and have chocolate and ice cream? You know that greezy little bastard feeling sneaking around and saying the cutest things in you ear.  If not enough having a fatter person around who is going to go along with you if you want that ice cream and chocolate.

   Oh Bei, I do love you, but sometimes you could just shut the fuck up and stop eating. Or that's what I wished to tell you. If I want something, you don't have to want it too and make it more ok in my mind so that I end up getting it and ruining all my good plans. 

I'm too scared to step on the scale. Again. I so should be past that, but I just don't want to feel the failure IF it shows. 

Furthermore Bei was talking me about how she hasn't been eating, how she have some phase on. Yea, people in here think me as a role model of the most healthiest person with an interest in phenomenon called ed... but Bei dear. Don't come and tell me you haven't been eating, I know it's true but you're so not helping yourself. I'm pretty sure you got a BED and girl... that is not healthy at all. But at the same time you just don't seem to care. I even told you that if you eat and then don't your body will storage everything after that... yes dear, I called you fat, I meant it and I hope it did hurt for making me eat half of that ice cream and the chocolate. It so easy to get mad at you and claim it all on you.

Later that night me and Sheng left for the typical Friday night out... and I left home via Hesburger (a Finnish version of McDonald's) Cheeseburger meal... Shit.

   Saturday Bei had nothing to do and we went to movies... hours before the movie began. Not good, so not good. I had eaten an oatmeal before I left there and somehow I ended up having a croissant in a cafe... after that I had three BIG chocolate chip cookies in Subway and after that Bei still wanted have a Combo Popcorn for the movie. Gee... combo is 5 liters of popcorn and half a liter soda. I ate maybe 1,5 liters from there and stuffed rest of the popcorn with Bei. I can't help but feeling little mean that I did it, but ^^

I wish it had been enough but no. Yesterday I just simply HAD to had chips... all 400 grams of those. One huge bag. AND a garlic-butter filled bread. I'm hopeless....

Now I've got a feeling that I need a plan, a structure to keep me away from bindging but... if I'm as well as I try to make myself believe that I am I shouldn't be needing one. I shouldn't feel scared of the scale. I shouldn't feel guilty cuz I know I could have easily eaten all that every day. I shouldn't think this as a bindge. I shouldn't be so harsh on myself about it, I shouldn't want to fast the next three days and pull through the killer diet that pulls me down deeper in this crazy circle - but didn't I already said screw it? Does it really matter? 

   I so wanna eat just 400 calories today and work my ass off. But that's not wise now is it. 

Last night I had the most wonderful dream about Shou-nu. I love these when they come... I was laying around with her and chatting, she was looking through some of the things I had written. I felt her laughter and and I felt her happiness and how much she wanted me to get better... how happy she was that I had. 

   Otherwise my night was quite horrible. I didn't sleep much and woke up once an hour.

Thanks again for your comments, they give such power to get through the harder days <3