Mainly flue and fuck and failure.
I don't know how many chocolate bites I had yesterday, plus I ate at uni and later in subway. I hate my doings... still scared of the scale. So not going on it. So not. So, so, so not not not.
This is what you get when you don't have a plan... man. All the hard work from last week and now I got this crazy idea that I could eat chocolate as much as I want - that I could eat anything as much as I want because I'm ok. Sure. This sounds like very ok.
Worst part is that I didn't even grave for that.
So I just had it for fun, out of habit that I never had.
GEEE!!!
This is the point where I say SCREW IT and fall into some nasty old habits that I tried once get rid off. At least for a bit... I need the comfort from those. I scare myself now, I know I can't and that I shouldn't but rather beautiful than alive? No, I don't mean it to be this way forever... but I just want to, right now. And it's only for a month... I'm ok. Sneaky little bastard in my head is saying otherwise.
Yesterday as I was walking with Yuki and we ended up shopping we talked so much about food. I wondered that how many chocolate bars I had eaten that day while eating one and she had had chips. It was so good to hear what she said... that I'm not the only one who eats pure sugar if the graving is really bad. (haven't done that in a while though - good)
I even almost blurred (again) that I got an ed... oops. Not that I should hide it from her, she's not the type to cross me into a wall over that but there's the "don't want to worry other people" card again. I just want to live in my little crazy wonderland and keep disturbances out. Still thinking that I should tell them.
And yes, that's a skinny girl. I thought that I could do it. So today I need to buy grapes to my cleaning closet so that I'll keep my hands off the candy in back room and I need to eat bunch of fruit. And a soup at uni ~300 calories and some yogurt for the night.
I don't know how many chocolate bites I had yesterday, plus I ate at uni and later in subway. I hate my doings... still scared of the scale. So not going on it. So not. So, so, so not not not.
This is what you get when you don't have a plan... man. All the hard work from last week and now I got this crazy idea that I could eat chocolate as much as I want - that I could eat anything as much as I want because I'm ok. Sure. This sounds like very ok.
Worst part is that I didn't even grave for that.
So I just had it for fun, out of habit that I never had.
GEEE!!!
This is the point where I say SCREW IT and fall into some nasty old habits that I tried once get rid off. At least for a bit... I need the comfort from those. I scare myself now, I know I can't and that I shouldn't but rather beautiful than alive? No, I don't mean it to be this way forever... but I just want to, right now. And it's only for a month... I'm ok. Sneaky little bastard in my head is saying otherwise.
Yesterday as I was walking with Yuki and we ended up shopping we talked so much about food. I wondered that how many chocolate bars I had eaten that day while eating one and she had had chips. It was so good to hear what she said... that I'm not the only one who eats pure sugar if the graving is really bad. (haven't done that in a while though - good)
I even almost blurred (again) that I got an ed... oops. Not that I should hide it from her, she's not the type to cross me into a wall over that but there's the "don't want to worry other people" card again. I just want to live in my little crazy wonderland and keep disturbances out. Still thinking that I should tell them.
And yes, that's a skinny girl. I thought that I could do it. So today I need to buy grapes to my cleaning closet so that I'll keep my hands off the candy in back room and I need to eat bunch of fruit. And a soup at uni ~300 calories and some yogurt for the night. 
3 kommenttia:
aww dear im going through the same thing right now!!! *hugs* I know i so feel like that too so often, like u just want to rebel against something or someone, or just the diet itself, then u realize the only one ur hurting is urself. EDs r very private and personal, so we hardly want ppl to know because its something to ourselves, tht secret life, secret control or whatever it is...but when u feel like ur ready i think its good to have somebody who can support u or u can cry to when in need:) Good luck with the SKD! I'm sure u'll do amazing:) and even if u go over intake its part of the rules that u can always burn it off later wit cardio:) Stay strong<3
eieieiei älä valu sihen paskaan ): laihuus ei tuo onnellisuutta vaan ongelmiaongelmia ongelmien perään. oikeesti.
ja kiitos paljon ihanasta kommentista♥ pysytään hengissä (:♥
En valu, pysytään hengissä :). Oli aamulla taas heikko hetki, mutta kun näin pahemmassa kunnossa olevat tytön kahvilassa kysymässä kumpi on terveellisempää karjalanpiirakka vai täytetty leipä... ja lähtevän koskematta ostamaansa koin valaistuksen laskiaispullan jälkeen.
Kiitos kulta <3
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