The oriental dance wasn't really too much fun. The instructor was just so... "don't, don't don't... and if you're sweating now congratulate yourself..." She was giving us more like stand up pilates lesson than doing much oriental dance.
She was good at what she does, but I just didn't like her style to do it. Usually I do get confused in all dance lessons when they first teach it slow and then suddenly speed it up.
But the Irish was fun. I probably will go there again :DD
It was so jumping and I lost a pound. so 162 now. Back a my Friday goal with no prize. So this Friday could be 159... it might go even lower because I got so burning activities the next few days. Like today I got Combat and Freestyle, no idea how they're gonna be like but will see.
Also I realised the psych is already tomorrow. I'm so nervous, haven't really thought much what to tell her except that I'm trying to learn how to live and I wanna handle the shit worth over ten years... and then maybe I could live like a normal person... or actually I just wanna learn to let go a bit and enjoy life. Lately I've been so happy that I've been waiting when it all crashes. That's the problem, I can never loose up the tension, I'm always ready to jump aside and run like hell no matter how much it hurts or how tired I am. 
Then there's an other problem, because these past two years I've able to work on my eating and the problems around it. I'm not afraid of food as long as I don't go overboard - but the feelings from there are normal in my opinion. I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel guilty after a liter ice cream. I can actually eat... but the 1000 calorie limit is still haunting there, and the thoughts of it being too much, me being fat, food being poison, me being worthless and deserving this. When I think it, truly think it, I know any of those things aren't true... they're just explanations I have made up to survive. And like said before, I don't need to survive anymore, I could just live. That releases huge amount of energy that I have no idea how to use or where to aim. I don't know what I want from my life so that's not the option. I'm so impulsive that I cannot just magically figure out some ultimate goal I wanna get to. Furthermore I believe that life will take you where you're meant to be... I mean I really needed this shock in past ten years to learn all the things about humanity I know now and to understand better. The lesson has not ended yet, it never will... now I should just trust it and let it go to learn the final thing from it; how to stand on my own. To do this I need advice, professional advice. I don't know if it will end my relationship with ed - probably won't. At some level I don't believe that you can just forget a pattern of thinking; you can suppress it but you can't never forget it.
Stillimagining: Thanks for your lovely comments again <3 You're right, I'll lose it in no time :) But you, hang in there sweet pumpkin, it will get better - eventually. It always hard on darkest times but those seem to be the most useful experiences on can have, you just need survive from them.
And Welcome to all I haven't welcomed yet, loving you all already <3
Then there's an other problem, because these past two years I've able to work on my eating and the problems around it. I'm not afraid of food as long as I don't go overboard - but the feelings from there are normal in my opinion. I don't know anyone who wouldn't feel guilty after a liter ice cream. I can actually eat... but the 1000 calorie limit is still haunting there, and the thoughts of it being too much, me being fat, food being poison, me being worthless and deserving this. When I think it, truly think it, I know any of those things aren't true... they're just explanations I have made up to survive. And like said before, I don't need to survive anymore, I could just live. That releases huge amount of energy that I have no idea how to use or where to aim. I don't know what I want from my life so that's not the option. I'm so impulsive that I cannot just magically figure out some ultimate goal I wanna get to. Furthermore I believe that life will take you where you're meant to be... I mean I really needed this shock in past ten years to learn all the things about humanity I know now and to understand better. The lesson has not ended yet, it never will... now I should just trust it and let it go to learn the final thing from it; how to stand on my own. To do this I need advice, professional advice. I don't know if it will end my relationship with ed - probably won't. At some level I don't believe that you can just forget a pattern of thinking; you can suppress it but you can't never forget it.Stillimagining: Thanks for your lovely comments again <3 You're right, I'll lose it in no time :) But you, hang in there sweet pumpkin, it will get better - eventually. It always hard on darkest times but those seem to be the most useful experiences on can have, you just need survive from them.
And Welcome to all I haven't welcomed yet, loving you all already <3
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