I wish I had...

1. My old flat is now totally empty and cleaned up

2. ...

3. ... ...               ... I didn't throw Neko away (Chinese good luck cat made out of paper)

4. I haven't killed Sheng's flowers yet

5. I have green nail polish. Dark with bright sparkles. 

I tried to list five things that make me happy. I'm so messed up, it is crazy how fucking numbers can affect on you... yesterday I wanted to hurt my body, I was so mad at it. Just now I figure out that I could have done it in some other way, but it wasn't too bad anyway. I've learned to balance it in the name of getting better - healthy, happy and normal, but I'm never really crossing the line. That's because like Piggy wrote I am too in a dept for my ed. I like it, it's the only thing that has ever given me a true joy and the sense of doing something right. It has a voice, which makes it more real person that you can actually have a conversation with and that gives it the same social responsibilities that I have with my friends. I can get mad, I can scream, I can apologize, I can love it, I can spent time with it... I can push it back, but it has been there for me always and I know it's the only fucking thing that doesn't leave me and will be with me as long as I breathe. It's the little imaginary friend that kids have, the one without a name that shares common characteristics.

  

 Even if hurts me it has given me so much good in my life. I survived through the hell that would have killed me if I didn't have had ed... I learned how to be happy, feel real joy - even if it was through weight loss, I got a life mission, I got a life and I got an urge to take care of myself. Right now I feel like I've betrayed myself, cheated on with ice cream. That's my new trigger... or not new. Old coming back. And that means that the work I've done to make this framework of thinking to more healthier proportions is backfiring, I'm giving up on it, getting sick again. Really sick. I got no laxies but last two weeks I've been really into buying them again. I want to fix this and seem to just plateau all the time and not be able to shed a single pound.

   I see my thoughts changing... I remember this happened last spring too. I'm scared since I got the same job and the same environment and I managed to gain 10lbs last summer not ever getting it off because of my failing attempts of being healthy and restricting. I'm getting desperate, my impulsiveness is the worst enemy here... I act before I think and because of my "getting better" I've learned to turn my back on myself while I eat and I've gotten back to this square one where it all started when I was 8. Binging. It has been 14 years and I'm still on the same path, I believe I made the right choice, I mean no matter how hard or horrible it is there's always a way to learn from it and grow wiser. I just wish I would be able to keep this under control, not let it consume me because I got too much to loose. I love my friends, I love my life right now - in generally, not at this moment and certainly not the way I look. But major parts are ok, now it would be ok to get to the minor things. Fixing them, like my weight.

  

 I wish wasn't so locked up, but that's what this illness does. I don't wanna pull my friends into this since they are the thing that keep me sane and I would hate to see them worry. But I know I should tell them more about what's up. Just did the emotional lock test and that really triggered me to write all this... it shows the main things that I acknowledge to drive me in this cycle.

• Punishment - really strong
• Sacrificing - really strong
• Inadequate self control - really strong
• Abusing, maltreat - really strong
• Emotional distance - really strong
• Bailing out, abandoning etc. - really strong
• Giving in - strong
• Lack of emotion - strong
• Failure - strong
• Demanding - strong
• Seeking for acceptance - strong
• Incomplete, scant - strong
• Pessimism - middle
• Unsafety - middle
• Outsider - middle
• "having right to..." - middle
• Dependence - no emotional lock
• Interwining - no emotional lock

This looks like.... alarming. I got more locks that it's good for you. I also did write a A4 paper full of questions to myself yesterday while watching What's eating you on youtube. I'm gonna answer them one at the time, slowly thinking what's up. I need to get hang of this... I don't wanna say get a grip because it's never that easy. It's really never ever that easy. Just think before you act, your body dissevers the best because it's so amazing. So yea what do I always do? Tell people to stay positive and look the brighter side. Ok, my metabolism is working, not wanting to share too much but taking the Salmonella test was super easy. Also, now that I have kicked it on, it's easy to keep going. Starting is always the hardest part, right? (Even though I've been starting the whole year and jumping up and down the 10lb range) So this is what I need to do 1. Stop this "company eating" with my friends, tell them back off if I'm not hungry. 2. Open up a little more about what's going on 3. Stop planning these night binges (I do it spontaneously during the day...) 4. Find the balance I've lost somewhere...

.... Let's finish up the task. Second thing that makes me happy is my own ability to talk myself out of this, get clear and never getting tired to try again. I might be impulsive getting from one extreme to another but I never give up. And I'm strong enough not to give in to the monster that makes me wanna cry when I see myself from the mirror. I don't cry - I channel the energy. I should learn to do that to other emotions too... and let them show.

And my lovely ladies thank you for commenting, I gotta run now but I'll be back :)