My coffee tastes absolutely horrible...
I'm having trouble to get started. I'm floating... this is annoying. Why I always do this when things are changing. Now I'm waiting to move in with Sheng, start my summer work get my visa to China and get going. I can't wait. These stable points are what should keep me together, I have plans around them but no idea what to do in-between.
So... I'm floating with no idea what to do. This mess makes me so anxious.
... And yet I force it down because...
Last two days I've been at mom's, then I got bored and came back. Been eating around 1000 calories I assume, not moving enough (what's enough?? Tuesday I biked 2,5 hours and did 1 hour zumba... my head is telling me that's not enough). Yesterday I was doing good... until Ran came at Bei's and she had not just her beer with her but chips, candy and grapes. Man, that's the first time in ages I wanted to slap someone because they brought food in to the house. Before that I was standing in the train station, just thinking how I looked like and nearly brusted in tears. How could I do this to myself? How and why I did let it happen? And why have I been so incapable to shed down these pounds? I mean it's been almost a year now that my weight has been jumping in this same 8 pound radius. And it seems I can't get below that. I just can't, no matter what I seem to be doing...
I don't want to go that deep again. I don't want to get too anxious, fight the depression and enter this cycle of binge-laxies-fast-restrict-binge-laxies-fast.... you know, right? I wanna stay out of it. And right now my friend aren't helping me to do it, well Ran doesn't know about my issues since I haven't been able to tell her, but I just wished she'd stop putting those piles of junk in front of me. I love her and I hate how the junk comes between us.
... it's the only laxative-like substance that I own at the moment.
I should see Yuki today. And then later go to movies with Bei and Ran... which means candy again. Sounds simple to say no, but... man, I get anxious over that! I get anxious, and I got no where to hide. And it's free day... I can't get more laxies to fix this until tomorrow and just need to say that this is making me crazy!!!
I'm not ok.
I don't know what to do... I hate floating in-between things.
How twisted can a girl be?
Stillimagining: Thanx girl. I try to be positive since it helps things a lot... even if it's a little hard right now, but I'll manage.
Love ya, stay positive <3
I'm having trouble to get started. I'm floating... this is annoying. Why I always do this when things are changing. Now I'm waiting to move in with Sheng, start my summer work get my visa to China and get going. I can't wait. These stable points are what should keep me together, I have plans around them but no idea what to do in-between.
So... I'm floating with no idea what to do. This mess makes me so anxious.
... And yet I force it down because...
Last two days I've been at mom's, then I got bored and came back. Been eating around 1000 calories I assume, not moving enough (what's enough?? Tuesday I biked 2,5 hours and did 1 hour zumba... my head is telling me that's not enough). Yesterday I was doing good... until Ran came at Bei's and she had not just her beer with her but chips, candy and grapes. Man, that's the first time in ages I wanted to slap someone because they brought food in to the house. Before that I was standing in the train station, just thinking how I looked like and nearly brusted in tears. How could I do this to myself? How and why I did let it happen? And why have I been so incapable to shed down these pounds? I mean it's been almost a year now that my weight has been jumping in this same 8 pound radius. And it seems I can't get below that. I just can't, no matter what I seem to be doing...
I don't want to go that deep again. I don't want to get too anxious, fight the depression and enter this cycle of binge-laxies-fast-restrict-binge-laxies-fast.... you know, right? I wanna stay out of it. And right now my friend aren't helping me to do it, well Ran doesn't know about my issues since I haven't been able to tell her, but I just wished she'd stop putting those piles of junk in front of me. I love her and I hate how the junk comes between us.
... it's the only laxative-like substance that I own at the moment.
I should see Yuki today. And then later go to movies with Bei and Ran... which means candy again. Sounds simple to say no, but... man, I get anxious over that! I get anxious, and I got no where to hide. And it's free day... I can't get more laxies to fix this until tomorrow and just need to say that this is making me crazy!!!
I'm not ok.
I don't know what to do... I hate floating in-between things.
How twisted can a girl be?
Stillimagining: Thanx girl. I try to be positive since it helps things a lot... even if it's a little hard right now, but I'll manage.
Love ya, stay positive <3
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