Shades of loneliness

Yesterday was bad. Emotionally... I was messaging to all of my friend here in the city while sitting on the buss but no one is here. Yuki is with her boyfriend since they haven't seen the whole week and weekend is the mother's day and she's at home. Sheng never answered and so didn't Aya - she hates to say no, so she stays silent. Meng and Bei are not anywhere near, that I knew before and Ran is away too.
But Yuki... yes I know being in love requires the new order with your life, but it still doesn't make it any less painful for friends to be the number two. I'm not mad at her. I'm mad at myself for my gimps of jealousy and that I let something like this to hurt me. I shouldn't be hurt by it. Rejection is normal and I shouldn't take it personally... but I can't help it. It hurts. I just need to be sure to keep it for myself and not let it get out in the open and make Yuki feel guilty for prioritizing him over me. I mean I should be fine.


Should be. 
I'm not. Haven't been close to fine lately.

But she doesn't know that, no one knows that. And I'm not about to say it before I pass out in public.

I just felt like the whole world was against me, that I was alone and lost with no help at hand. Alone, piece of something huge and cruel that I can't change and escape. That's how I feel quite often... that the world is cruel place and that there's something big going on and that I play part in something that I don't like, that I don't know and that no one controls. Like being out in the open in wild and waiting that someone hunts you down for any reason possible. Except this isn't a jungle. This is urban city life and a modern world that requires psychical strength beyond normal... where your life is made torture since killing you is illegal.

Unfair. That was the word in my head last night.

Food? About 500 calories and burned something like that too.

I say it's spring. I always loose it, I go crazy and get depressed and anxious and obsessed and and and...

vanilla fat free yogurt 80 calories

Some berries 20 calories

A banana 100 

I'm not hungry, and I'm half through the day. I should get social but I couldn't care less. I'll just take those things I'm supposed to retrieve and get the hell out of there. I don't wanna talk to anyone. 

I should also put my stuff into boxes and be ready to move out. Couldn't care less to do that.