Deep confusion

The screen shows a body after another in blood pool. I lie on the floor looking at coffee stains that I know I need to clean up soon. Slightly turn my head towards the screen when I hear Stella making a comment to Lindsay "you'll be ok kiddo!" I almost burst in tears, I wish she was talking to me. I wish she'd say that to me, not the other character. Not in the screen and certainly not because of the script.
   I curl up on the floor, hear Lindsay answer something back and I think that this wasn't worth it. This so wasn't worth of any of it. Now I got a fiction keeping me up, just barely... and when I walk to the shop to get more ice cream I feel the warm breeze on my face that cools down my skin that sunlight is heating. I can't figure how it was better idea to stay in whole day, eat all I can and turn down such a beautiful day. I feel disappointment crawling in my chest; I haven't disrespected only the mother nature but myself too. And respect is the huge thing for me. Suddenly the blood pool with tortured body looks like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I wish even more that someone like Stella would be with me. Here. Right now. I smile sadly; I'm weak for strong woman characters that can take care of them selves and the others no matter how deep in shit they're in. More disappointment... right now I'm not like that. I wanna scream that someone kick me out and do some workout, but I just feel the fat everywhere in my body and that makes me weak, I can't even lift my leg. It's the bad food that is making this to me. Sugar takes away all the energy and makes you lazy, I tell myself. I push the ice cream away and wish I had the energy, the guts to push myself out. But no. I'm there, glued to the floor and only place where I can make my way is the fridge.
   I put my arms around me when Mac tells Adam off. I'm useless to anyone right now. I wish I could make something to make difference. I wish I could, right now. But I can't nothing... vegetable and unable, useless scum that gets nothing done because she lacks talent in everything, failure for life. I hope that I can do something useful before I die. My tummy hurts because of all the eating. The third season of CSI:NY ends and I can't make myself to move and make the way of 1,5 km to the ware house and back to get the next one. I change into Ranma ½ and write a letter to myself.

"Please, get a grip because I don't feel good. It hurts you know, please do something, don't let me stay here anymore, please, please, please! Help me, save yourself from this. The best I can do is to lie on the floor, pet my head and repeat that I'm gonna be ok. It hurts so bad. I act like a traumatized victim, and it's because of that evil sugar you put in to me, I'm gonna be ok right? You're gonna do something about it? I beg you to fix this. Why are you looking for the misery? Isn't it best just to keep up with the training and eat accordingly, food that makes you powerful and strong? Why do you want to punish and hurt yourself like this... it's far from enjoyment. Food is not a prize except for the dogs and as far as I can tell you don't have a tail to wave.  As I see it the sweet thing are there to trick you and to kill you, the power of association, where did you loose it. Don't you see the little particles of sugar that are glued together with that yellow substance? That's dangerous, it acts like a cement in your body, builds up things in the wrong places and sticks. There's no such things as free calories, you should know that. Please darling, love yourself enough to a favor to your body and eat better. That torture is not love, it's pain and resembles hate. Do you hate yourself so much that you can do this freely? Don't you love me? Even a little?"

I acknowledge my weakness. Not making a plan. What am I thinking? Well I heard myself and I'm making a difference today. I'm having my morning coffee in peace with myself. Yes I feel the fat in my sides when my hands touch them while I write this, but I try hard not to hate it too much. Or I hate it, love what's under that. And now it's time to make a favor to myself... to my real self. Not that masochistic brat that hates me and wants me to suffer. Do I have a plan ready? No. Shit. Just don't what to do...

Thanks for your comments girls and welcome newbies that I still haven't welcomed. Please leave a note of your thoughts and make my day.
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Ruby: Surely the only number beside my paycheck I love to go up. ^^ But I guess people are keen to relate and help to get the feeling that they're doing something right. I mean those are the motives that drive me on mostly... don't know about the others though but I bet acceptance is quite big deal here.


Stillimagining: thanks so much, I thought that I'd try to change my writing more to this. It's the one thing I love to do and like to do and since I got no time nor inspiration write real novels I thought to transfer my skills here ^^. Glad you like it. <3