Story of yeaterday

I step out of the buss. I am aware of everything, every leaf that is getting ready to bloom in the trees, every chilly wave of air that passing cars make, the girl cycling 10 meters behind me, the truck approaching the bridge I'm standing on. Clouds are still, the air looks gray and it fit well together with the chain on the bridge fence. Someone might though once that it's artistic... this city is all about artistic. Can't quite figure those painted walruses with a fish in their mouth. Yes, it's a cute project to protect Baltic Sea but a walrus. Painted with flowers, dots, stripes, waves, pink, baby blue, green and god knows what and they are sitting still in the weirdest corners and places around the city. Get it? I don't.
   Like I don't get the gray chain, that is as thick as my wrist, in the gray air going up and down on the bridge fence. It's something that you should see in the garden, not along the bridge fence.

And no. I don't think about jumping. Sure it crosses my mind but not seriously... have you ever walked over a bridge and not thinking about jumping? I rarely do.

I see the side bushes blooming beautifully with white flowers. This is what I like about spring, it's full of colors and smells that can suffocate you. Even though today it's totally gray. I don't mind, it fits my mood and makes the air lighter which is good since other wise I probably couldn't breathe at all. That's how anxious I am and how panicked I feel. Breathing, even this ultra thin and fresh air, it hurts and makes me wanna run back home under my blanket crying that I don't wanna see anyone, so anything or go anywhere since the sight of people makes me scared.
   I come to the stares of a yellow wooden house that could well be haunted. By the fact I know it isn't. I open the door and hear Yuki calling me "you came!"
   Well, yes darling, I came. How clever of you to notice that. She's sitting in front of an computer getting ready to get lost in the realms of the game world. Killing zombies. I sit next to her and watch her boyfriend to get ready with the game. I'm thankful that she's not the type of person who shows off. They barely touch each other... I'm feeling slightly better and kill also zombies for a few rounds until I get bored. I've never been into these kind of games where the main point is to kill something while running from place A to place B. To me it seems boring and stupid.

   I take a cup of coffee and zip it down. It's the fifth today and clock is ticking near five. I haven't eaten a thing yet. I can't help it but I feel better. Powered by the thought I go to see where Yuki disappeared, she's playing with cards and I sat next to her. "Wanna play?" I ask. Her red hair is tied up and she seems to be sensing that I'm not myself today. That's why she must have stopped the computer game and stepped aside waiting for me. To be the friend she should, I mean she was the one who asked me to come here; opening party of the new student organization space.

   She nods and starts dealing. We chat a little, not too much though, joke a little but not that too much either. I don't feel that anxious anymore, but I know it's gonna be a totally different story when I walk out of here. I would pretty much to pour my guts out to her but I can't. The surroundings are filled with people and know that at some point Yan is coming over too and I don't want to see her, not now. The sight of her makes me always fell such a failure when she seems to be perfect... which she obviously isn't but to me it always seems that way. So the only thing I manage to say is how I'm in some alternative reality, I tell her that. I'm living inside my own head and hope that she'll catch the message why I'm so quiet, off and looking like someone has violated me bad.
   Yuki wins me few times, she's getting better at this I think. Then the food they ordered arrives and I get ready to leave and hunt my own food. The good by is hard, she doesn't want me to leave even if she's too polite to say it. She doesn't seem hurt though since she knows I'm going to movies with Ran and Bei, she understands that I have no option but go, no matter if she wants it or not. I read her eyes, she looks so hungry for more info about what I've been doing, worried in some sense but I know she can't recall why she feels so weird right now. I bet she can't put it into words, that I'm shutting down and hiding things from her. It's her nature, she'll think that she has done something to upset me. I need to talk with her, I know, but right now is not the moment. There's nothing she can do for me and there's a spring trip ahead. I don't want her to go there and think about me since I'm not going.
   "You coming to the sping trip?" she asks hopefully.
   I shake my head "no, we're moving the stuff out that day, so I can't"
   "Oukey... when are you going back to... your mom's?" I feel strike inside me. She has missed me as bad as I've missed her.
   "I don't really know.... wait Tuesday, I think. I'll throw you with a face message so you'll know my schedule."
   She smiles faintly. Not knowing when is the next time she sees me. I'm waving my hand and taking a step towards the door, suddenly I see red hair coming closer and feel her arms around me. I startle a bit, but I don't show it to her. That's one of my abilities; to adapt people emotions people throw at me and react alike. I'm good at that, some kind of emphatic power that I posses. I hug her back and smile at her when she lets go. I wave my hand and step out of the yellow monster house.

 
I almost ran to the little side woods and burst in tears. Yuki hugs people very rarely and when she does it comes with the feeling. That confirms her worry, she knows something is up with me but she waits for me to come to her, not the other way around. I see a fallen tree, an oak to exact, and it makes me feel so anxious/lonely and panicky that I almost stop to hug the tree to make it feel better. I stop myself and walk past it. Why there's certain people whose touch makes you go mad? Why did she hug me? Why, why, why???!!?!?!?!
 
In fog I find myself from Subway having a Teriyaki chicken without any extra sauce and a macadamia nut cookie. After that I wander to the movie theater where I see happily giggling Ran. She has survived from her "I'm dating" anxiety and she has spent the whole day with her boy. I'm not really listening and when Bei arrives I let myself get lost in candy. I don't care to note a thing anymore. I'm in fog, it's ok. I have no rush away from here because Bei is close. I hate her insecurities, she's fat yes and I hate to see all those cady wrappers filling her garbage. I hate how she hates her body and can't take her jacket off since she's too insecure about her arms. I mean gee, they are the thinnest part of her body. And if she wants to feel better she should challenge herself to do things like that and comfort eat. It's harsh love, but she's still my friend even it's hard to stand in the side looking at her hurting herself the way she does and not believing that she can do anything if she wants to. That's what I'm thinking while walking home in the dark.
   I feel guilty because of all that candy. I'm in the dark park and every bench seems to off place or to be from some story. There's rabbits running around, I see one white and it strikes me. I just sprint forward trying to follow it. My head is telling me that there's something I need to see - my very own Alice moment. I even loose the rabbit for an instant, stop looking around in the green glow that faint street lights create when the light hits the grass and tree leaves. Then I see it again. It's sitting right in front of me and staring at me. Next to it there's a tree growing next to the high football field fence and a bike is chained to it. Rabbit turns it's back to me and stares the tree. I don't dare to go closer. Little grass hill it's growing on is right next to the bike and it's creating a blind spot behind the hill, close to the fence. The bike gives me chills. I feel like being watched. I don't like it, at all. The tree looks too perfect and come to think of it I haven't seen it before. The rabbit is still sitting there and now I get chills even from it. It's well past midnight and I know it's quite stupid to walk alone in the park where most likely no one is gonna come. Why the rabbits would be running there other wise. I take steps back and keep walking, not looking back. I turn the music louder, I don't want to hear a thing.