The door closes and new cycle begins

My weekend didn't turn out to be so good. Binge... one of a like I haven't had since 4th March. A real deal that makes you crazy, eat faster than normal, high calorie stuff, not listening your body the slightest and leads to stomach pain and forces you crying on the floor. 6265 calories in one sitting.

At least I did cry. Last days before I've been in a cloud, not really catching the world. Felt numb or depressed, over the top, stressed, guilty about everything - thanks to my diet I assume ^^, I'm getting weaker... I can't stand that much anymore as I used to. But points to myself, I didn't take laxies to fix it. I'm fixing this old fashion... got some sense knocked in my head - I have to eat to avoid that happening. More than few hundred calories.... I'm marking the day down. My last huge binge 12th May.

My whole yesterday went just eating too, not binging, but eating (1702 calories). I needed to make sure I had the nutrients I needed to stop this and not make it again and to reduce the salt and sugar in my body that made my legs so swollen and weak. I was barely able to walk yesterday, it hurt to my legs and I was so dizzy that I was sure I was gonna pass out at some point. Didn't. Which is good.

Now I'm feeling fine and I know that the cycle is closed for now. It's time for a new row. New spin. New cycle. The good point is that spiral needs to lead somewhere... it has a starting point and it has to stop since even hurricanes aren't topless.

Healthy phase is here. Let's see how long it lasts before my kindness towards myself makes it blow up.

Taste the rainbow, I tell myself and pack up few more boxes. I'm planning to give the key for my storage to Yuki so that she can pick up some boxes away from there if something happens to me while I'm in Asia. My mother doesn't know now and she certainly doesn't need to know after I'm dead... funniest thing is that Aya is thinking the same. Very same. Making her sister to promise to fetch few boxes away so that her parents can't know.
   I'm planning to tell my sister where to find them... if she wants to. That's what I want to make sure, that she can learn the truth if she wants to.

Today I should go back at mom's. I really don't want to but right now I know it's best for me if I go away from these moving boxes for a day or two. Then come back pack up the rest of it and put in the storage room and leave for good to start over. New routines, new rules... like every time... new beginning.

I can do this. I promise; cross the flowers, hand them away and make the words stick. This is what I shall become and thin is something you need to deserve. Getting fluffy Panda appearance is what you get with no trying, and that shows. It's not good, it doesn't tell anyone that you love yourself, take care of yourself or raise yourself to be a better person. It tells people that you have issues that you can't face, that you seek for easy way out and that you can't say no. Remember how much you loved your body 10 pounds ago???