Panic drops pouring down my throat

Yesterday I was sitting at the cleaning closet at work and writing my diary. It's horrible how guilty I feel right now. E is my friend from the years back... yes, we should have the talk about stuff that has been going on beyond the surface BUT we see so rarely that there's always this fluffy cloud between that needs to be dealt first.
   Anyhow, seeing her and being with her more than an hour threw me right back to my old thoughts, habits and panicky feeling with food. I hate that I make people believe that I'm much more better than I  am. They kinda think it's history... but it's so close that there's no way it is. Looking at my thoughts and doings; it's not. It's still there, it's very real and it has a firm grip that holds while it drags me back to the corner I dared to try leave again. 


sight.                                                                       I just don't wanna worry them. (the most familiar sentence to everyone)
                                                                               I know I'm far from ok, the cookies...
                      ...god god those cookies at the table...
                                         ....I swear they're looking at me with their chocolate chip eyes and...
...waiting. Waiting to jump at me, to make me crave sweet, to make me fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. I look like a whale. I can't fit in half of the things in my dressing room. 


That's when you really gotta do something. Face the reality. 
Fatty. But see the tone, it's not hateful to me. No, not at all, I still can look at the mirror without crying. I still can love myself even I hate that my jeans get stuck in the middle thigh. I still can smile and be really happy about things in my life even this isn't quite the way I wished it to be. It's fixable... and actually I think that gloomy little dark impurity and fractures are more beautiful than the perfection. So what I'm trying to reach? Where I wanna go with my life? What I wanna do with my life? What's the meaning of it? I don't know if I go on my eyes closed and mind in the matchbox. I see this as a treasure, a value, something that helps me question the most basic things and to grow up. But. Right now even with this I'm stuck. Asking the same questions and not finding the answers because I don't want to see it or believe it or what ever. 

So right now I'm suffering for not telling people I do have a wave of bad days, feeling that I'm crashing under the pressure and not able to do a thing. This is why I'm bragging about my weight now... it makes it easier to deal with stress and stuff to do. When ever I feel that my time is running out, I can't do enough or I can't give credit for myself of the things I'm doing, the solution is turn head away. Since those things need to be done anyway, I need to concentrate on something else that seems more important to make them look easy things to do. And since they are proper distraction method while losing weight and concentrating with food play... well you do the math why do I do this.

Sitting there with Yuki, Bei and Sheng after meeting and Bei not knowing a thing I couldn't say a word. I died inside when before the meeting I had a Karelia pasty and a banana... I was thinking only the calories I had eaten at 11am with minestrone soup. Same time screaming that this is not how it should go.... I know very well this is not how it should go. Instead of losing something I'm fighting with these same numbers all over again asking where did my grip and talent go. I used to lose it so easy, I'm lazy.

And still when we had talked our organization stuff out we had so much fun. That night was more like three hour abs workout since we were laughing so much... so why the fuck I'm babbling over it. Also got one look from Yuki when I said that I might be leaving town some year to study Swedish - look came when she heard where. The same town my first love lives in... have to admit that I've been thinking him a lot lately. True I haven't seen him in five years plus we were 8 when we "dated" if you can say so... but the thing is we really never broke up. I just refused to talk to him because of the rumors that he had slept with another girl. Thing never got sorted out because his dad had a stroke and died so he kinda changed and disappeared... he got in bad company and a lot of trouble and that's why I still think that this gang I've seeing around here has something to do with him.
   But anyhow... ever since I haven't dated another guy. This is stupid, but I feel awkward with anyone else if we were about to be close to each other. It feels wrong... sure the dudes trying have been something to call not so nice and that surely doesn't help with the touching issue I have with men. The thing is that I'd be very interested but I'm scared of him. I knew him well when he was a kid and our relationship was unic in the way that really stays with me forever but I don't know much about him now. And he has a son, 2 years old... firstly I don't know what has happened to this little guy's mom, and furthermore I'm not ready to be a mom for anyone.
   Enough of this, I got carried away, the look from Yuki came because I've said to her that if I contacted this guy in anyway she should get angry with me. Because like said, I'll be wax in his hands and unable to say no any of his shit. And the last time I saw him, the thing I was thinking, when I talked with him was that he probably would be able to get some speed so that I could lose weight. Needless to say what I was thinking right after thinking that - good god. I can't keep in contact with him. And this is how it all died five years ago.
   Or died. It didn't die, it never will. I starting to get that... carefully hoping that he'd be a decent guy for now on.  

LATER
Little candy, ½ of caramel/hazel nut protein bar (that outdated in January and tastes absolutely awful)
2 slices rye bread with cheese & cucumber
+ Hell a lot of coffee again.

I feel like I cannot make decisions anymore.

THINGS TO DO & WAIT
Weigh day Monday 26th, cuz right now I don't wanna know.
Essay I & II
Study diaries I & II
Report I about China's urban developement
Money applications I
E-mails to send; at work telling them I'll quit, Summer job telling I'll come, Some more summer job applications if I could get something else, my course leader saying I'm sorry for not attending the day before...