Little fight.

I remember the time when I thought I was doing better than this. It's not that I couldn't eat normally - what ever that means - I think I have proved that I can. But... there's a big but. I'm obsessing again; and it has nothing to do with this blog (like it would be tempting to say) - at least I'm doing it so that it shows. At least there's a place where I can let the other me pour over and get stronger or that's how it feels. That's how it goes. It's spring... and that's when I flip - always. Also it says that Ednos covers long periods of normal eating... that's the fucking curse with this, so that's why I'm so confused with getting better. To me that one freaky sentence laughs at my face and says that two or five months of normal eating is just a phase. You can always go back.

This is my extreme end. In real life I float in somewhere else, but this is there. Present. With me. Trying to tell me what should I be, do, want and desire. And I rebel ending up with over 1000 calories a day, calling it normal eating - what it is - and not even feeling too guilty. Not until the weekend I spent at mom's where all the fucking problems lie. I eat, eat, eat and eat. Feel guilty for doing that... not firstly because it makes me fatter, but because I do it with no reason, it hurt physically and there's no point. Simply there's no point. I act like I wouldn't be eating in the next month and stuff my face, then hope I could purge it all out, get sick again and just wipe the whole day off.
   Figured that I need to clock my eating there again. Every four hour, something.
   And again my head is twisting a comment. "You're eating again? You just ate yesterday!" from my step dad... it was a joke, my head just wants to turn it something else.

Forget that. I've just issues.
I've designed a diet that I hope will help me to loose 8lbs in a week. Crazy, I'm telling myself that three weeks of extreme dieting doesn't make you sick. But months floating in between does? Well eventually, yes it does because it will slide. But a jump... I don't know if I can pull this off. My head will be screaming that this isn't me and it's so fucking right BUT so isn't that kinda action I did on weekend. So you'll need to continue?

It's not the first time I've said that I'd jump back while writing this blog. Sure this is my extreme end and I'm not giving in to it... but again I'm thinking using it to get what I want. I know it's not on/off thing, so that's why I'm hesitating. And it's so easy to say that this isn't how it's supposed to be done when it gets hard. I'm just scared that if I let myself do this I don't have strength to pull myself back up - or that I'll slide into some sneakier cycle.

And now I start to think why I'm thinking things like this... again. Aren't I supposed to be over it. Talk it in the past tempus. Knowing that this all will end when after week and a half my body has changed, I get scared of that and blow it all off? Slide slowly back to a crazy cycle of binging and extreme dieting, getting depressed and not enjoying life? I don't want to.... but who'll say that it happens?