Yes it did hit me again. I hate, hate, hate, hate HATE weekend. What the fucking reason this is "well, it's Sunday..." O.o... I'm like WOOOOT. NO. Not like this. But still she ate almost a liter of ice cream whit cookies and chocolate chunks. And this was only after Apple tarts, snickers bar and a chicken sandwich (the last one I had because it was discount and leftover from the day before, looked like disgusting and tasted so too - in a hope of a food poisoning, but no I didn't even get that). And all this after writing:
Not huge binges.... + 1000 calories but missing the mentality of stuffing that all in my face just the sake of binging and all that eaten gradually bit by bit. Not yelling at myself. It's normal, though I can't eat like that daily.
Now I'm having a bit hard time. Just came from my brothers house and I had to have sweet stuff in there, so I kinda think that the day is screwed and nothing matters... you know. But my very successful 13/50 candy turnout keeps me together, for now. My sister was visiting him, didn't talk much because of the parents being there... always keeps us distant in some sense.
And the positive side is Friday's 1,5 hour walk/run, Saturday's 2h zumba and 1,5h walk/run... today I'm traveling back home - just waiting to the train to leave which means a lot of sitting and not so much moving. I also figured out that this train station is kinda of a place without a context in my life and includes waiting, so falling binges is easy in the places like this. Place without clear function and temptations to offer. Places that just drop ahead of you without telling that you're here, now. I need to watch out these, now that I know... the passing points to get somewhere, the place in-between where the action is happening.
So what??? I Had to prove my theory right and create the whole day like this in-between space, end up in the sugar cloud that makes me feel fluffy right now... and take some laxies. I don't let myself forget this. The worst binge in ages 4th March. I'll remember - and hope that the shame will keep me from doing it again. This is what throws me off balance, this is what makes my so wanted "recovery" impossible. There's recovery quite far from here - like it has been the last week in general when looking at these. But I don't care just now, I got more important things to do than worry over if get thinner. And I wanna enjoy the freedom.... no one is watching my back (yes this is what happens when you quit the psych, that didn't help you and to who you didn't tell everything... it gets out of hands for a while, but I'll manage)
My coffee tastes horrible and my tummy is like turning backwards. All because of those laxies - but hey, at least my mistake is coming out and shall be fixed. I should get to work... thank god I have a mob to lean on to cuz I dunno if can stand, let alone walk too much.
My plan for today: Warm up to the round two soup diet with Sammy. I got a cauliflower and sweet potato that I'm gonna turn into a soup. Also I'm gonna read three chapters for a test next Monday and I'm gonna learn three new zumba choreos today. Then I'm gonna go to talk aboout what the hell are we gonna do with our student room... the house is gonna be renovated and we will not get it back, so we need to find a new one.
LATER
Just came from work. So basic monday, vacuum cleaner doesn't wanna work and... you know. Well two classes of orange juice, no "great" ideas and soup is coming up. ^^ Feeling good. (I <3 laxatives... man no, but I feel soooo much better now than when I woke up)
The day's theme is Umbrella.
Not huge binges.... + 1000 calories but missing the mentality of stuffing that all in my face just the sake of binging and all that eaten gradually bit by bit. Not yelling at myself. It's normal, though I can't eat like that daily.
Now I'm having a bit hard time. Just came from my brothers house and I had to have sweet stuff in there, so I kinda think that the day is screwed and nothing matters... you know. But my very successful 13/50 candy turnout keeps me together, for now. My sister was visiting him, didn't talk much because of the parents being there... always keeps us distant in some sense.
And the positive side is Friday's 1,5 hour walk/run, Saturday's 2h zumba and 1,5h walk/run... today I'm traveling back home - just waiting to the train to leave which means a lot of sitting and not so much moving. I also figured out that this train station is kinda of a place without a context in my life and includes waiting, so falling binges is easy in the places like this. Place without clear function and temptations to offer. Places that just drop ahead of you without telling that you're here, now. I need to watch out these, now that I know... the passing points to get somewhere, the place in-between where the action is happening.
So what??? I Had to prove my theory right and create the whole day like this in-between space, end up in the sugar cloud that makes me feel fluffy right now... and take some laxies. I don't let myself forget this. The worst binge in ages 4th March. I'll remember - and hope that the shame will keep me from doing it again. This is what throws me off balance, this is what makes my so wanted "recovery" impossible. There's recovery quite far from here - like it has been the last week in general when looking at these. But I don't care just now, I got more important things to do than worry over if get thinner. And I wanna enjoy the freedom.... no one is watching my back (yes this is what happens when you quit the psych, that didn't help you and to who you didn't tell everything... it gets out of hands for a while, but I'll manage)
My coffee tastes horrible and my tummy is like turning backwards. All because of those laxies - but hey, at least my mistake is coming out and shall be fixed. I should get to work... thank god I have a mob to lean on to cuz I dunno if can stand, let alone walk too much.
My plan for today: Warm up to the round two soup diet with Sammy. I got a cauliflower and sweet potato that I'm gonna turn into a soup. Also I'm gonna read three chapters for a test next Monday and I'm gonna learn three new zumba choreos today. Then I'm gonna go to talk aboout what the hell are we gonna do with our student room... the house is gonna be renovated and we will not get it back, so we need to find a new one.
LATER
Just came from work. So basic monday, vacuum cleaner doesn't wanna work and... you know. Well two classes of orange juice, no "great" ideas and soup is coming up. ^^ Feeling good. (I <3 laxatives... man no, but I feel soooo much better now than when I woke up)
The day's theme is Umbrella.
1 kommentti:
oh, hiya sweetheart! the sweet sugar cloud is horrid. :( and sweetie. since i'm going on a study leave for mocks, you have to email me at angelz_141@hotmail.com if you want to contact me directly. <3 i get them on my phone. i'd hate to not be able to support you, my sweetheart! <3333 however. i don't think i can diet what with my approaching pressure of the mocks. i'm more likely to bathe in the sugar cloud you were in. :3
-Sam Lupin
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