Laxatives.
A friend coming over to stay at least a night, so I'm not blogging or reading for few more days.
Weekend... omg.
Mom's too much things to eat and again I managed to forgot what ever goal I had and it turned into "you got to eat to be healthy". Yea, I know, but I need to eat FOOD. Like real food. Not some stupid bread with cheese or something else over sweet that has only fat and sugar in it. That won't keep anyone happy, alive or healthy.
I'm not mad at myself. Just disappointed.
I also managed to see Shou-nu... that was exceptionally empty half an hour. We were talking like people in Harry Potter about Voldemort. It was weird cat and mouse kinda thing... wasn't horrible or anything, kinda normal way for us to communicate but then again I keep wishing that someday we would actually have the real talk with thing's right names and the happenings... maybe someday. ^^
I also saw my favorite cousin which turned out to be interesting too. There's three girls in our row of cousins and three boys. I've always liked my fave (U - age 35+) very much and I felt horrible when she just disappeared for a while, I missed her those ten years she wasn't having contacts with no one - well her dad but not many else. Five years ago she got a kid and that's when things changed... I got her phone number and I've been in touch. My mom still haven't seen them, my dad visits sometime.
This other girl cousin, let her be A age 30+, was my super fave as a kid. She played with me and she was the one doing things with me... and I'm so damn sure she has an ed. It's just that their family runs so much around food, she's skipping meals, she goes toilet after every meal, she says that her teeth hurt if she eats anything too hard, she's extremely picky, she cuts everything to tiny bites, she's moody all the time.... and furthermore she is much like a skeleton. And I copied her. I fucking copied her when I was a kid and that's a one reason I learned what I learned.
But yea, that's the back ground info, we were talking with U and she told me the days her dad was in hospital. How our only aunt (A's mom) had called and made her worry way more than the hospital ladies. U said that the woman had sounded like she knew something more than she did and it was so over dramatized that she was having hard time to believe it. I nodded the whole family was like that, dramatizing things over nothing and hiding things inside that drama. I said that everything is not as fine there as it seems and added for example with A. She's not fine, I've known it for years now. U was looking me like what are you talking about.
I took a deep breath and said that's I'm pretty sure that A has and eating disorder. Just watch her with food... and I added that I've had one. Her eyes didn't even blink, she had clearly no idea but I could see her head spinning. She said that who would know better than the one with one... my thoughts exactly. I also told her that I copied my cousin and if it let me having one, she must have one. That was the point she realized I didn't speak anorexia or bulimia and she had to ask... and I had to explain my little cycle. Shortly but I did. And I saw how it all cleared up in her head, how she didn't know should she panic, get worried or anxious. I said it's hard to but in with A. There's basically nothing we can do, nothing that anyone can do. She lives so far away, hidden inside the forest and behind her work. She's rarely leaving from there even I try. I try so hard, but she just won't come. And I'm worried, I love A so very much, but 500 km is way too long and she doesn't trust me enough. I'm powerless, but I just hope there would be someone... naive I know. There's no one. She's alone in there... and all her friends are else where.
Hurts.
But I'll be ok.
A friend coming over to stay at least a night, so I'm not blogging or reading for few more days.
Weekend... omg.
Mom's too much things to eat and again I managed to forgot what ever goal I had and it turned into "you got to eat to be healthy". Yea, I know, but I need to eat FOOD. Like real food. Not some stupid bread with cheese or something else over sweet that has only fat and sugar in it. That won't keep anyone happy, alive or healthy.
I'm not mad at myself. Just disappointed.
I also managed to see Shou-nu... that was exceptionally empty half an hour. We were talking like people in Harry Potter about Voldemort. It was weird cat and mouse kinda thing... wasn't horrible or anything, kinda normal way for us to communicate but then again I keep wishing that someday we would actually have the real talk with thing's right names and the happenings... maybe someday. ^^
I also saw my favorite cousin which turned out to be interesting too. There's three girls in our row of cousins and three boys. I've always liked my fave (U - age 35+) very much and I felt horrible when she just disappeared for a while, I missed her those ten years she wasn't having contacts with no one - well her dad but not many else. Five years ago she got a kid and that's when things changed... I got her phone number and I've been in touch. My mom still haven't seen them, my dad visits sometime.
This other girl cousin, let her be A age 30+, was my super fave as a kid. She played with me and she was the one doing things with me... and I'm so damn sure she has an ed. It's just that their family runs so much around food, she's skipping meals, she goes toilet after every meal, she says that her teeth hurt if she eats anything too hard, she's extremely picky, she cuts everything to tiny bites, she's moody all the time.... and furthermore she is much like a skeleton. And I copied her. I fucking copied her when I was a kid and that's a one reason I learned what I learned.
But yea, that's the back ground info, we were talking with U and she told me the days her dad was in hospital. How our only aunt (A's mom) had called and made her worry way more than the hospital ladies. U said that the woman had sounded like she knew something more than she did and it was so over dramatized that she was having hard time to believe it. I nodded the whole family was like that, dramatizing things over nothing and hiding things inside that drama. I said that everything is not as fine there as it seems and added for example with A. She's not fine, I've known it for years now. U was looking me like what are you talking about.
I took a deep breath and said that's I'm pretty sure that A has and eating disorder. Just watch her with food... and I added that I've had one. Her eyes didn't even blink, she had clearly no idea but I could see her head spinning. She said that who would know better than the one with one... my thoughts exactly. I also told her that I copied my cousin and if it let me having one, she must have one. That was the point she realized I didn't speak anorexia or bulimia and she had to ask... and I had to explain my little cycle. Shortly but I did. And I saw how it all cleared up in her head, how she didn't know should she panic, get worried or anxious. I said it's hard to but in with A. There's basically nothing we can do, nothing that anyone can do. She lives so far away, hidden inside the forest and behind her work. She's rarely leaving from there even I try. I try so hard, but she just won't come. And I'm worried, I love A so very much, but 500 km is way too long and she doesn't trust me enough. I'm powerless, but I just hope there would be someone... naive I know. There's no one. She's alone in there... and all her friends are else where.
Hurts.
But I'll be ok.
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