Finding the Apple Again.

It has been long since I've really been feeling this fat. Weight on the word feeling, I'm not any fatter than two weeks ago - but not skinnier either... right now I deeply wonder why this matters so much again. I know... *hugging myself and sliding hand down along my hair* I know, it's because you tell people you're ok now. You're lying in a way, you're not as ok as you let them think. Yes I still say and feel deeply that I don't wanna slide in to this any deeper - I'm tired of being depressed, moody and remembering only the calories from every party I go and giving myself excuses to break rules and deals I make with myself which obviously makes me feel like shit and then doing that even more and then feeling little more shit... That's disrespecting, and I do love myself too much to be ok with it. It hurts. 

And it hurts now cuz I think it was a mistake to take E here. She's my childhood friend and there's nothing wrong with the connection, but it messed me up totally. I started acting like ten years ago... eating everything without caring the thing that I was full. I didn't tell her about my ed even I had the feeling that I should, but she works in health care now and... well, there just some things I don't wanna tell her. And I shouldn't be feeling guilty because of it. There's way too much things we should talk if we started turned down to that road and the time is not there yet.

So to make this work I need to stop thinking food emotionally. It's a technical thing (yesterday four meat pockets, chocolate, cheese cake, chicken pasta, salad, candy...). Yesterday was the Once a week treat day - really technical ^^. It's something that keeps me running.

Today:

I'm on the move the whole day... so it would be easy fast, but that just won't serve me in any way. 

Salad at uni with NO bread.

Then lecture, meeting - where I'll have nothing to drink but water (or coffee if critical)

Then home and some exercise and a cheese bread, exercise and some yogurt for post workout. 

The feeling when you just let the air out from your lungs and say "Ok, I screwed up, let's fix it."