I've too embarrassed to write a thing. My weekend was so fucking lame with all the shit I ate.
Thursday error was chocolate cookies and that damn dream over them.
Friday turned out to be a general let's get fat day, cuz it doesn't matter.
Saturday, yes had my friends over; bread and two grandma's white cookies in the morning and then noodles with chicken and veggies at night with those two silly friends. And potato chips... ewwww.
Sunday, bread, bit more bread, dough with gingerbread (What an creat idea!!! tasted so marvelously horrible but I just ate the whole thing), and mom asked me to cook so I did and had chicken, veggies and some pepper-cream-bean-onion sauce.
Sunday was the day when my stomach hurt because all of the eating and I wanted to go and puke it all out. I wish I could. I was sure I'd take laxies when I got home from mom's but I didn't. I was feeling better then already, but the fat around me is so in the wrong place. I want to make it disappear... but check in first. I know by heart that I'm not fat, I have fat cuz my body needs it but I'm not fat. I could be fatter, but I also could be thinner... so I guess I'll go for the thin.
Part of this is because the summer job stress, money and such unfortunate adult things... but part is because I'm pretty sure I'm leaving to Canton and Phuket for a year and I don't wanna be fat when I go. Firstly because in Asia everyone is so much smaller, they got even smaller bones than I do... and to be truthful I got quite big and strong bones. But I'm stressed out of my own expectations and wishes and scared that I won't reach them anyway.... what's the point. I could just binge and be fat in there. No. That's not the right attitude, I know. But add it on top of everything else I have to do... it kills me right now. I can pull this of, I know I can but it requires some commitment that I dunno if I can do right now. I need my friends and it's so hard not to eat like them... which means a lot of crap. That's the part I hate in university life.
But things are sorting out. I decided to jump on scale on Friday. Till then I follow the ideology of 500 calories a day. Yesterday I had around 750 (bean soup, veggies with macaroni and fat free unflavored yogurt with blueberries) and burned at least 300, maybe more. I'm just careful with the estimation because I went for a walk and I had new shoes, there was damn slippery and ice all over so I have no idea how much 1 hour and half of that kinda walk burned. Then I did 200 abs and 100 leg lifts per side. Today it's back and butt again. It hurts from yesterday already. I feel it when I'm standing - and I love it.
Today I also have the shrink again. I hope she would be better than last time... I would appreciate if she didn't jump around with every little voice like a scared little bunny.
Thursday error was chocolate cookies and that damn dream over them.
Friday turned out to be a general let's get fat day, cuz it doesn't matter.
Saturday, yes had my friends over; bread and two grandma's white cookies in the morning and then noodles with chicken and veggies at night with those two silly friends. And potato chips... ewwww.
Sunday, bread, bit more bread, dough with gingerbread (What an creat idea!!! tasted so marvelously horrible but I just ate the whole thing), and mom asked me to cook so I did and had chicken, veggies and some pepper-cream-bean-onion sauce.
Sunday was the day when my stomach hurt because all of the eating and I wanted to go and puke it all out. I wish I could. I was sure I'd take laxies when I got home from mom's but I didn't. I was feeling better then already, but the fat around me is so in the wrong place. I want to make it disappear... but check in first. I know by heart that I'm not fat, I have fat cuz my body needs it but I'm not fat. I could be fatter, but I also could be thinner... so I guess I'll go for the thin.
Part of this is because the summer job stress, money and such unfortunate adult things... but part is because I'm pretty sure I'm leaving to Canton and Phuket for a year and I don't wanna be fat when I go. Firstly because in Asia everyone is so much smaller, they got even smaller bones than I do... and to be truthful I got quite big and strong bones. But I'm stressed out of my own expectations and wishes and scared that I won't reach them anyway.... what's the point. I could just binge and be fat in there. No. That's not the right attitude, I know. But add it on top of everything else I have to do... it kills me right now. I can pull this of, I know I can but it requires some commitment that I dunno if I can do right now. I need my friends and it's so hard not to eat like them... which means a lot of crap. That's the part I hate in university life.But things are sorting out. I decided to jump on scale on Friday. Till then I follow the ideology of 500 calories a day. Yesterday I had around 750 (bean soup, veggies with macaroni and fat free unflavored yogurt with blueberries) and burned at least 300, maybe more. I'm just careful with the estimation because I went for a walk and I had new shoes, there was damn slippery and ice all over so I have no idea how much 1 hour and half of that kinda walk burned. Then I did 200 abs and 100 leg lifts per side. Today it's back and butt again. It hurts from yesterday already. I feel it when I'm standing - and I love it.
1 kommentti:
aww dear *hugs* its only a few days! it wud have been all great if it weren't for the ED then u cud have enjoyed the food in peace:) bt ull b fine! & good job yesterday u did great! in the span of human life who cares abt a few days eating like a normal person? sounds ridiculous doesn't it? but yea i too am asian and i totally understand the pressure:( if u look at asian bmi even the underweight bmi is lower than western bmi. good luck w. the appt & stay strong<3 much love!
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