Fading.

Screwed yesterday too. Another day on laxies.... there's no fucking way that you can call this healthy. Got the psych today too - and I'm still gonna call it off. There's no way that this little wheenie would be able to help me in any way. Actually she just builds up my stress level and makes me more miserable. (Easy to claim...)


These "when I'm skinny" -clothes are burning in my closet.
My bones are screaming to get seen. 
And yes, I do know I'm fucking crazy to let myself fade like this backwards from all that work I've done to get better and to be like a normal person... 

I don't know if I can give it all up. I won't. But right now I hate myself enough to hope that getting skinny would make the difference (good thing to concentrate on when all you wanna do is run away, need some organizing in your life, feel like you're crashing under pressure and still not doing enough...).
   I know it doesn't make any difference. It just that worrying about it makes other thing seem so easy, little, brittle able to do things that they'll get done in no time. I know punch of people who would kill me for thinking like that... I know a punch of people who would tell me to fight it. Do I have to if I don't want to? It's not like I'd anything more than a summer job from the field I'm studying, or temp jobs... that's not what I want from my future anyway. That's the fact that hit Yuki too... have to admit that it's hitting me too. So the point being; If I have no future, why stick around to actually live the life with no future. . . . . Ok. No, not like that. That's me being extreme, of course I'm gonna live, of course I'm gonna graduate. I'm just gonna do something else. There's no one single person without a future, even a bad future is a future and no one knows how it will turn out. 


bibolar. maybe.


and just to add that this has nothing to with Wintergirls - even I do love the book now that I'm sophisticated and red it. I wouldn't have red it if hadn't had a day like the one I had yesterday. Bad girl. Really, really bad girl. 

   But after skating 2 hours yesterday it got better. Green water splashing around in the shower because my hair color is washing itself down from the drain. Feeling disgusted and unable to look down at my tummy. I knew. The binges I've had after summer can barely be called binges... that one yesterday. Ugh! the most high calorie things that I could find - and not even including avocado. I need to challenge myself.

0/50 days no candy
0/30 no binges
1/60 daily exercise
0/50 days of completing the to do list of the day.
0lbs lost from the 20(30...40) to go.


General mood: determined. 
max calories for the day 650 (can't start off too rough or it will blow)