Happy Valentine!!!

Damn. Not quite how it was supposed to go.
10-11am a banana
15 pm Chicken soup at uni 400
18 pm piece of a carrot cake!!!
19.40 pepper ring chips... well I almost took candy, but I'm happy that I didn't. 


We were hanging out with Yuki the whole day again. Talking a lot about the atmosphere and how would it choke us if we stayed. I know I could stay in here, doing something else but if I wanna do something related to my field of studies I need to leave. Few years ago I thought that our family life was a poorly written play, but these people here lift the term in totally new stage. I haven't met this fake and miserable people even in high school. 


We ended up movies. Coffee while waiting and talking that shit out again... and that's when I took the carrot cake. (My head screaming me right while eating it) I swore to Yuki that I'm gonna stop eating candy right there. And that I'm going to watch what passes my lips. I hate the checking mode I have... like she was taking this meringue-lemon cake and I had to take something because I evaluated that I was terrified of calories and felt that I needed to hide, not be scared and it was ok. 


Well I had quite horrible time after that, I didn't show her that and she made it so much easier for me anyway. The second day on laxies; my stomach was crumbling, I felt dehydrated and dizzy the whole day... I felt disgusted to even think about popcorn for the movie, so I ended up with pepper ring chips and a liter of Pepsi max. Not quite under 650 no matter how you count it. But not the binge either. So I'm on my way. Today is a new day and that means hell a lot of walking. We're going to shop some things for the party tomorrow - I'm going to be a pirate. 

The day starts with "breakfast" in Wayness Coffee with Yuki... I'm thinking about the croissant as an option cuz I have to eat something. And I kinda wish that I could tell her that I'm fading... I just hinted her yesterday. She knows that I've had and ed... love the past tempus... but looking at these few days I must say that it's not gone anywhere. It has been this specialty of ednos. The phase of normal eating... and I can go back to that if I want to. That just doesn't tempt me at the moment... not until the crab comes out. Or maybe I am, don't know. 
   Shit.
   I do value my hard work for getting better, but I'm so fucking fat right now. I've been popping laxies for two days and I am so fucking tempted to do the third. I'm tempted to feel the high from not eating... but then again anyone would feel dirty, slimy and disgusting after eating a bag those same rings I had yesterday. I need to think clean. (Clean = fast, fruit - - - shaking my head, I'm hopeless, this isn't how it is supposed to go...)


We're going to watch a display in a museum of a city burn. That's gonna be so damn cool. I love this Valentine already. But it cannot be used as an excuse to fuck with eating. That's my day's goal number one today. So let's try again.

Happy Valentine's day!! Stay strong and beautiful, love you all <3


1/50 days no candy
1/30 no binges
2/60 daily exercise
0/50 days of completing the to do list of the day.
0lbs lost from the 20(30...40) to go.


General mood: determined. 
max calories for the day 650 (can't start off too rough or it will blow)