Disappeared week

The headline tells everything that is important. I've been busy and I got a history test today... and still 50 pages to read. Stressed? Hell yea, I'm a good student and before I didn't leave anything to the last minute. Now I don't have red the area, I got two assignments at hold - have been since December and I have no motivation.
Yesterday I was reading and eating a second warm meal (macaroni, minced meat and veggies) and almost a whole French bread with unripened cheese (that only fakes light... 200cals/100grams!!!! - why am I thinking this?). And before I had had candy at work (I hate this freaking nasty habit) and cabbage soup at uni with corn-pea-paprika salad and salted nuts.

Not to speak about my exercises this weekend that really have SUCKED. Thanks to that history test. I still care that much that I value my school work before anything else.

Lu came back from Athena and I'm having hard time telling myself that this isn't gonna affect on me and Yuki in anyway. It sure will in some extent but I hate the way I'm jealous over it... or worried or something. Lu is not a third party intervention that will try and separate us, she'd never do that. I barely know her like I didn't know Yuki before new year. This is what I've been telling myself for the past days... I need to get to know Lu before I say anything or judge anything. And I cannot start competing over Yuki, that will ruin everything.

I have no idea what to wear today... my tummy is huge due to yesterday and I cannot wear the jeans I planned. We're having the Friday night out again with our major and me and Yuki are going. I'm going to read with her after my test and then we're going to take a table. I don't know if Lu is coming and that makes me so fucking anxious because Ran is not coming. She got an urgent call and is required to stay at barracks. I so wanted to see her! She had her birth day on Wed... well who would like to party their birthday anyway, right? I feel so sad for her.

I can feel my secretive desire rising up again. Getting thinner, moving and getting zerocalorie high. And yet I know I need to find a better way to cope with things. I will, the yesterday's fall wasn't too bad anyway... I mean not a zillion calories or not even laxies today. I can cope with this... or I'm trying.

Another psych on Monday, and I have no will to go. I just feel like I'm banging my head on the wall there cuz I cannot figure out any reason why should I tell stuff to the total stranger. It's not that I wouldn't trust her keeping them or that I'd worry about her mental health or that I'd be worried what she thinks of me... it just seems pointless because the conversations I go through in my head are more useful than the ones with her... she doesn't even really comment on me and when she does it's something really random. Like my love life. Why should I run after boys like a headless chicken? Why should I get interested in every cute guy I see? I don't think that I'm so horrible that they wouldn't like me or that there's something wrong if I have a crush. I just get along with guys like a friend and that's probably the biggest reason I don't have a boyfriend... and the other is the company I'm in. Seriously these dydes here are no worth of a try. Their emotional abilities are amazingly poor and I need someone who can understand complicated thoughts and mixed emotions. Also someone who doesn't leave dishes to dry for a week and isn't horrified of cleaning.

So day's words are confusion, little depression and stress. But I'm ok. Work, reading, test, Yuki and the crazy Friday night. I hope nothing too serious happens this time.