Glittering twilight

I'm getting better.
Still I woke up panicking over the 6 chocolate chip cookies I had last night. Switched the alarm off and set it again half an hour later.

I'm telling myself it's ok, that I ate them. Nothing wrong with that.
I'm reminding myself about the lent bun I had and that there's no reason to reward myself with food; I'm not a dog. Rise and shine fifteen minutes from the alarm - there's no point in feeling fat in the bed. The day could start better, so let's make it start better.

I know I'm not anxious over the cookies and they aren't the reason my heart feels strangled.
But still I'm blaming the cookies, it's so much easier than baring it. In reality I'm anxious about the money... which is kinda insane. I'm not totally broke, I'm paying my rent a month ahead and I'm working, so no reason to worry how I'm gonna make till the summer. But getting the summer work is what stresses me out the most... and I took it on chocolate chip cookies yesterday.


I'm saying 100 times a day that I'm not fat, I need food, and even if I were fat it doesn't matter.
I believe it to justify my eating but when I know I broke the rules like with bun yesterday I beat myself up in my mind literally - yesterday I got bloody broken nose, bruises and few broken fingers. 

I'm not a religious person - don't even belong to church anymore which makes me pagan. In Finland it's not a big deal cuz people go to church only when there's a wedding, funeral, christening and some people go there in Christmas. But still somehow the Lent is the time of the Christianity that fascinates me... maybe the promise to fast. Here though, no one does that and it's no difference from a normal day routines. I kinda hate that. It's sad that it's socially acceptable to say only that you believe in science - if you doubt that, you're insane. I doubt. Seriously. Kinda looking at atoms as a one extension of the belief system.... in the end believing in "real world without any supernatural beings" is believing in something that created the world and therefore I see it as a kinda of a religion. It differs from anything before but it aims to understand where did we come from, why are we here and it tries to resolve same problems as first shamans ages ago. It's complicated and many will sue me for saying this but I'm not trying to offend... just blabbing about different things in the world...

This is the time when I'm having my typical spring anxious attacks and getting frustrated and trying to stay in control and loosing it big time. Last year I lost it only in the summer.... I hope I'll stay in charge this year. But that doesn't change those hopes and feelings I have towards my 160 lbs body - even if the thoughts aren't that hateful anymore and I can look at the mirror without the constant hate and tears. Or even if I can live with myself.

Gosh. I remembered that I've broke my challenge.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.... you get nothing done you damn greasy fat ass. Your body cries for exercise and you just sit there with your flabby tummy bouncing all over. Get a grip, will ya!

I guess I do deserve that. And I'd wanna say I'll fast but I know I won't. Like I didn't last time when I said it.  But I don't want to be fat at summer and I don't want to be fat when I leave.... and I know I will. I'm going to Canton a half a year and to Phuket for another half to study. Haven't applied yet, but I know I'll go.


So here's the new one:
4/50 without Candy
0/20 lbs lost
0/ 30 daily balance between calories and exercise

Stillimagining: Things are getting better for her, and they kinda are already. W're planning a London visit cuz we haven't been there before. And I will survive like always <3 much love <3