Fat. Ugh! But what's new? Not that at least.
I feel like I've had a four day binge. Too much people, bad air and possibilities. I'm so swollen that a fast is an only option to make me feel better... now I mean physically more than mentally. Not because of my head or the sake of getting thinner, but to simply to get my body work properly and the fluids moving.
I don't get it why on earth it's always over eating with that group. Are my friends making me fat? YES. But at the same time they are so amazing that I cannot hate them for it. I'm the only one who can care about my body enough to make this stop.
Thursday was boring for the start but lunch at chinese restaurant made it all better, we went badly late back at the museum's seminar - just conveniently for a coffee break (+ a bun). The air in there was so thin and bad that we were about to sleep all the time. At one point I really saw that Yuki was sleeping so I had to wake her up - thank god she didn't jump or scream or anything. Then we went to a bar to continue the conversation... which meant that Yuki had one too much, got it going and didn't wanna leave. She was sorry that she dumped me like that, but Lu was there and staying in that city unlike us and she had a place to stay where Yuki was welcomed too. For the first time she wanted to hug me before we left and I saw how much she wanted to be with us but she didn't wanna go to the seminar the next (I didn't either but others did) and she wouldn't have gotten out of the bed. I'm sure. So I said to her that of course she stays if she feels like it.
We had fun with Il, Sheng and Meng. We bought pizzas (+++ calories) and candy (++++++ shit.) and stayed up till 2am talking about stuff. Il has had hard year and I know he doesn't need another shit head like me to scream that I'll kill myself if he leaves me. I like him, yes, I have a crush on him, yes, but he deserves better girl with less problems - I don't mean that. I'm just trying to avoid my own feelings. But better take things slow, he was engaged with the girl and about to get married but didn't cuz his friends butt in between to save him. He's so adorable... and he slept next to me when Sheng took the other side of the bed and Meng walked strait next to her, so me and Il had to sleep on the floor.
Friday bright and early... breakfast croissant while skipping the first lecture. Lunch after that at local uni... borridge and coffee... more coffee at the museum with candy. And again killing air that made me horribly sleepy. After it was finished me and Il went to the culture's museum to see an exhibition while others jumped on the train and hurried home. Then we had Ben&Jerry's... ooops! Can't help it. I love their ice cream.... :3
Then the weird situation came when he left (after eating a toast) to the buss. The goodbye moment that officially makes him thank me for everything and I'm having hard time with trying not to blush too much.
At night my old school friend Marie came over... (chips, candy +++). Finally we had the talk we should have had ages ago. I knew all the time that she has something terribly wrong but she wasn't just able to talk to me, now she did. I knew she has been cutting herself in high school, I knew she has a terrible mother relationship like I do and I knew she was depressed back then. I just said or did nothing cuz I had my own problems and I couldn't help even myself. But in a way I didn't rush with this talk since I knew she wasn't ready... and she's still on the way of figuring out most of the things I've figured thanx to Shou-nu.
Saturday zumba and a cup of coffee with another old friend I have seen a year ago. Hu has had a horribly hard life as a kid and my worry over her drove me to believe that I got nothing to cry over that I was simply weak. My mom has always disliked her since she had a little problems, but I love her still. And I know I need to have the talk with her as well... and she's coming over in two weeks when she has her days off. We have still a lot of catching up to do.
Next weekend is as freaky. I see two friends who I used to ride at the same stables and we haven't seen each other in two years. Now we're having a movie night and I cannot wait. But I just need to avoid the calories somehow.
Yesterday I saw also Ran... movies candy, chips... and a screwed up feeling. I wanted to take laxies at night but didn't... that's not something I should do every week. I'm loosing my sanity here, but I don't care.... should I? probably but fuck it. Crazy people get always all the fun in life so why be dull and not experience anything...? And I can cope with myself, I got a more realistic view that I'm going to keep. Why am I feeling wrong about fasting? Normal people do that too and they don't have an ed... why is it that when someone with history of ed does it, it's called relapsing? Here's my boundary issue again... I'll figure it out some day.
I feel like I've had a four day binge. Too much people, bad air and possibilities. I'm so swollen that a fast is an only option to make me feel better... now I mean physically more than mentally. Not because of my head or the sake of getting thinner, but to simply to get my body work properly and the fluids moving.
I don't get it why on earth it's always over eating with that group. Are my friends making me fat? YES. But at the same time they are so amazing that I cannot hate them for it. I'm the only one who can care about my body enough to make this stop.
Thursday was boring for the start but lunch at chinese restaurant made it all better, we went badly late back at the museum's seminar - just conveniently for a coffee break (+ a bun). The air in there was so thin and bad that we were about to sleep all the time. At one point I really saw that Yuki was sleeping so I had to wake her up - thank god she didn't jump or scream or anything. Then we went to a bar to continue the conversation... which meant that Yuki had one too much, got it going and didn't wanna leave. She was sorry that she dumped me like that, but Lu was there and staying in that city unlike us and she had a place to stay where Yuki was welcomed too. For the first time she wanted to hug me before we left and I saw how much she wanted to be with us but she didn't wanna go to the seminar the next (I didn't either but others did) and she wouldn't have gotten out of the bed. I'm sure. So I said to her that of course she stays if she feels like it.
We had fun with Il, Sheng and Meng. We bought pizzas (+++ calories) and candy (++++++ shit.) and stayed up till 2am talking about stuff. Il has had hard year and I know he doesn't need another shit head like me to scream that I'll kill myself if he leaves me. I like him, yes, I have a crush on him, yes, but he deserves better girl with less problems - I don't mean that. I'm just trying to avoid my own feelings. But better take things slow, he was engaged with the girl and about to get married but didn't cuz his friends butt in between to save him. He's so adorable... and he slept next to me when Sheng took the other side of the bed and Meng walked strait next to her, so me and Il had to sleep on the floor.
Friday bright and early... breakfast croissant while skipping the first lecture. Lunch after that at local uni... borridge and coffee... more coffee at the museum with candy. And again killing air that made me horribly sleepy. After it was finished me and Il went to the culture's museum to see an exhibition while others jumped on the train and hurried home. Then we had Ben&Jerry's... ooops! Can't help it. I love their ice cream.... :3
Then the weird situation came when he left (after eating a toast) to the buss. The goodbye moment that officially makes him thank me for everything and I'm having hard time with trying not to blush too much.At night my old school friend Marie came over... (chips, candy +++). Finally we had the talk we should have had ages ago. I knew all the time that she has something terribly wrong but she wasn't just able to talk to me, now she did. I knew she has been cutting herself in high school, I knew she has a terrible mother relationship like I do and I knew she was depressed back then. I just said or did nothing cuz I had my own problems and I couldn't help even myself. But in a way I didn't rush with this talk since I knew she wasn't ready... and she's still on the way of figuring out most of the things I've figured thanx to Shou-nu.
Saturday zumba and a cup of coffee with another old friend I have seen a year ago. Hu has had a horribly hard life as a kid and my worry over her drove me to believe that I got nothing to cry over that I was simply weak. My mom has always disliked her since she had a little problems, but I love her still. And I know I need to have the talk with her as well... and she's coming over in two weeks when she has her days off. We have still a lot of catching up to do.
Yesterday I saw also Ran... movies candy, chips... and a screwed up feeling. I wanted to take laxies at night but didn't... that's not something I should do every week. I'm loosing my sanity here, but I don't care.... should I? probably but fuck it. Crazy people get always all the fun in life so why be dull and not experience anything...? And I can cope with myself, I got a more realistic view that I'm going to keep. Why am I feeling wrong about fasting? Normal people do that too and they don't have an ed... why is it that when someone with history of ed does it, it's called relapsing? Here's my boundary issue again... I'll figure it out some day.
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