Feeling so good and determined to cut the crap out of my diet. Why is it ALWAYS in the busy weeks like the last one that you cut out the exercise and focus on doing the "more important" things and that makes you feel depressed, and that makes you not to care and just trying to survive cuz all you wanna think about is how much you'd like to think about food and calories and at the same time it's the only fucking you don't wanna think about and mess with. Thank God I got the zumba lesson today. I love Fu, her son was with her (11 years old dancer kid) and he jumped with her on the stage during one song... the moment I felt all the thing I've been feeling when I was 15. I would give anything to have a mother like Fu, mother who is interested about me, doing things with me, being around and encouraging me. Sure she does yell, sure she says no, but mother and son dancing together was the most beautiful thing I've seen in long time. 


When we add here that I found out how broke I am... oops. Too much drinking with Yuki ^^, well that's not the only reason but my social life has sure helped my money wasting A LOT. That's one thing making me anxious, I love spring and summer but I hate these things that come with it.
   I had a dream that I cut my right arm open after eating something I shouldn't have. I felt horrible in the dream, I felt the panic and the terror of eating it and the same thing for slicing my hand with my own nails. I didn't want to but I couldn't stop cutting... the worst part is that I made them horizontally in a row. I've never cut a row. It's too obvious and hard to hide... and it has been three years since my last selfharm (scratching the skin open) and five years from my last cuts. So that came out of nowhere. 


Friday turned out to be the one allowed treat day in a week. I must have it because then I don't binge so bad during the week. I had candy... but that's the one time it doesn't count. Today I see two friends I haven't seen in ages. The other one I visited once two years ago and the other one I saw at her workplace once... that's two years ago too. It's insane. I'm worried about how thin they are and how fat I am. Like they would judge me based on that... no. I'm being stupid. But we don't have much time anyways... it's too little to tell everything that has been going on in our lives. I'm also quite mad at them because it's hard to get us together and now we have only few hours... and somehow it's always me chatting in the middle and making these appointments. 


Gah... I'm nervous and tired. 


5/50 without Candy
0 ? /20 lbs lost
1/ 30 daily balance between calories and exercise