New start.

It's incredible how many new chances we get in our lives. 

Today I'm again filled with power and hope for better. I'm stronger than my mirror image, the one that got all flabby while trying to get better... hell I'm going to get better and I'm going to get thinner. It's not the same thing though... but I can't deny how much better I felt 15 lbs ago (downwards ago if not clear to someone), how much better I looked and how much better I was able to do everything. That combo comes down to one thing, extreme ways to loose that fifteen and then let have another look at how do I wanna live my life. 

I know the answer already. I don't want to give up on this. I understand that my ed hurts me, I understand it consumes me... I live with it how couldn't I see the consequences, how couldn't I not to know them. All the risks of early death but why be afraid? Nowadays everything kills, if I wanted to live long I should stop breathing, eating and moving complitely... but hey, it kills too!

So yea, after 13 years with my dear ed I don't know what's me, what's it and where's the golden middle line or what the heck is called normal. I also have learned so much from it and it has saved me from many bad places that could have ended up being worse than the life it can ever offer. Why is that? That's because I'm lucky.

No I don't win in lottery. Not lucky that kinda way. But I've always had the right people at my life when I've needed them. I also don't have anorexia or BED... I got a combo of them (ednos, is the official term I think). I can't purge, after spending countless hours getting my throat sore I figured it that I can do it only when I got food poisoning (which I once did on purpose) or when I'm really sick. 

   This is also why I'm so confused with normal... isn't a normal like combo of those two? How come I'm sick? Am I imagining all of this? Are any of my problems real? What even makes them real? And the puzzle behind all this is the question I've been wondering since I was 6. How do I know if I'm really happy? I can smile and think that I am happy but I've learned to do so because other people do so. How do they know if they are really happy? Smile is learned and it comes from certain type of things that makes me feel something, but how can I be sure that the feeling is happiness that makes me smile? A little philosopher.

Down to earth.

Had rye bread with ham, cheese and cucumber for breakfast ~200

A moment ago had Christmas pig (a piece of it) and rice porridge ~500?

Now Zumba.