Lady issues.

Jumped on scale after two coffee cups. 165.4 which is two pounds gain from yesterday, three from the after that. Fuck. I HATE this time of the month!!!

Any how the party was a lot better than I expected. After bindging chocolate, rice porridge, Christmas tarts (i dunno what you guys call these or do you even eat these; made from butter dough and some plum sauce in the middle - picture )

I was home at 3 am slept till 2pm and wrote an essay ready and went back to bed. Eating like 900 calories; reast of the sautéed reindeer and a fruit salad made up from cantaloupes and peaches.

Now I should pack up, do dishes and get this place for such a condition that I can leave. Going to mom's for Christmas even she, mu step dad and my dad are going to our holiday house for Christmas. I'm staying home alone with my grandma that's gonna be... don't know. I love her and all, but I don't know how this will turn out because she's so used to do everything just for herself that I fear that we're going to eat in separated tables or something. Cuz one thing is for sure, I'm gonna eat and I gonna enjoy.

I'm also seeing my cousin M today. She's coming to visit with her mom and dad to switch presents. She's... well she has an ed, that's what I'm sure about. Has had for years, she was the one I adored as a kid and she's the one I copied some manners... I didn't learn the whole thing. It's something no one speaks about because her family is too scared to see imperfection. I'm worried about her, really worried. She's over 30 moved back to her home middle of nowhere, she bought the whole house, took enormous loan and started a translating enterprise...
   She had a life once, I heard it over phone when she was studying. Now I can only feel bad for her because she gave that up and moved in the middle of woods. She never goes anywhere, like once or twice a year. I'm scared that she's gonna loose rest of her friends she has because every time she says she's coming she doesn't. Honestly she's so damn thin that I'm scared that her body will just give one day. She's not fine and I don't know what heck to do about it cuz I know the nature of this thing. She's not gonna listen, she's not gonna see. She's so ready to sacrifise herself for everyone that she doesn't care.