The truth about my mom

The feeling when you think everything is just fine, you have stretched for two hours. You lay your head on your bellow and feel your body. My back is the only part that is still killing me, it's chronic stuck, no matter what I do to it it just won't ease up the tense. It's hard like a rock - well at least if count out the parts where my fat is smoothing it up. Well at least it's easier to breathe now than before this two hour session.
   I close my eyes thinking that tomorrow I can get to dance again. Actually a thought comes to me just somewhere from the mist of my cloudy tired brains that I might just go at my dad's since he's not home. I could dance few hours before my real lesson, run there, dance it away and run back at my dad's. I would surely love that peace and quiet space there. I haven't been around here much but I can still feel the atmosphere, it's that bad, but enough to make me crazy. I can't wait to get back at my own flat but hey anything for Yu's classes - I would rather die than skip one. They're the thing that keeps me sane - or "sane". I have a pack with myself that I can't go if I haven't eaten the least 700 calories the day before because I might have no respect for my mom what so ever but if Yu looks at me with a certain look... oh m y  g o d! That's the point when I know I've done something wrong and I really feel it, the real guilt and I know I need to be ashamed. She does it so gently, I mean she never yells, she just says it with that tone. I just respect her so much that I feel awful to go there if I know that there's this possibility that I'll faint.
   And when I was teen I kept wondering how different I would be now if she had been my mom. She has two boys and the youngest I'm more familiar with. I even substituted in the class he was in once and he's so amazing - much like his mom. He dances too like his mom and they do stuff together a lot. How awesome is that? I never do anything with my mom, she may come to visit but we have nothing in common so it always turns out the same. Shopping shortly, little talk and both going in different directions. It's just no joyful at all. We're just so different, I can't give a shit about gardening or house duties. I do them but I don't fuss about them - when I lived home I basically never did them. That was because a) I was away so much that I barely came to sleep at home or b) I refused because I knew it would never be good enough. Ever since she tried to get me to do those things she kept coming after me and doing the things over while complaining how badly I had done it. I stopped trying and eventually she stopped demanding.
   Now things are better though. We fight rarely because I've moved away and we don't see too often. But the periods like this week when I'm around I do try to keep out of her sight and hide. My way to avoid conflict. Things come up in side sentences. We had have two that sort of conversations in my whole life. First few years back when we babbled something about ed's in general related to one documentary on tv... she said she has been wondering if she did wrong to ignore it when I told her that I was teased (well gee, I wonder!!). At this point I was like ok, am I going to get apology? Nope. She continued saying that "..but aparently it hasn't affected on you!" I smiled "no, it hasn't." (Oh no, I just restrict, binge, take caffeine pills, don't sleep, am obsessed the way I look, cut and try to kill myself for fun! - Like I did at the time) Little does she know or see. Her kid is sleeping with bandages on her hand to hide scars and she sees them every morning. She walks in my room without knocking and sees the tears all over my face in the candle light - she screams about laundry I had bring in late and slams the door. And here I wonder how a mother can be so blind.
   The second was while ago when she was visiting me. She came with to our student organization's bar tour... way to go mom! And while walking back at my apartment she kinda said something like she knows she's not the motherly mom and that may not have been always the good thing - but it had taught me to be independent. At this point of my life I've learned so much that she has difficulties to express herself, she has no ambition to aim higher, she has extremely low self esteem, she's not really always in control of her emotions, she can't cope well with others showing emotions and she's really unconformable in her own skin.
To me after all this that does sound like an apology BUT hell, I'm Aries. I'm not forgiving type. Insult me and I will remember, I so will remember. I'm also trying to adjust the reality that I will never have the mother I want, it's not something she's capable of. And it's not fair of me to ask her to change. If independent is the biggest value in her life then so be it, I just think that it's lonely and miserable road to go on. And for what I can tell, I'm right. She doesn't have her own friends at all. Everyone she knows and goes with have come in from my step dad's life. Every single one. Actually I feel sorry for her and right now my biggest goal is not to turn out like her. With lowest paycheck, no career opportunity to proceed upwards, no belief in new possibilities, stuck at home with her handcraft, alone with no own contacts... that's just sound too horrible to be a life.
   I just wish that someday she'll SAY that she's proud of me. With these exact words. Not the way she does *giggling* "Yes, I don't know where she got her brains from... maybe she was switched in the hospital!" That makes me feel more like a freak than a daughter that has achieved something. And there was a time when I really tried to tell her that, guide her how to say things to me so that I wouldn't twist it. It all was blamed back at me like there was something wrong with me to feel that way from certain words. Like when I asked her if she could ask me "could you do it" instead of ordering me around because that made me mad and feel bad. She just laughed and didn't get it. Now being polite is something that you should always follow - I can do that even when the 20 kids making me crazy in the class. I say with heavy, demanding tone "Would you stop that, please" and use my body language to make it more powerful. That's better than yelling, kids know how to response back with more rage and that's a way to turn into a competition which leads nowhere. I wish my mom would have gotten some sort of lesson on how to scout your kid healthy. That's just not way to do it.

Sorry about the long rant. It's just on the surface right now when I'm on alert all the time focusing on hiding stuff and keeping her clueless. And interacting with Yu so much... that just always brings these on surface. Let's go again from the beginning...The feeling when you think everything is just fine, you have stretched for two hours. You lay your head on your bellow and feel your body. My back is the only part that is still killing me, it's chronic stuck, no matter what I do to it it just won't ease up the tense. It's hard like a rock - well at least if count out the parts where my fat is smoothing it up. Well at least it's easier to breathe now than before this two hour session. 
   I close my eyes thinking that tomorrow I can get to dance again. Actually a thought comes to me just somewhere from the mist of my cloudy tired brains that I might just go at my dad's since he's not home. I could dance few hours before my real lesson, run there, dance it away and run back at my dad's. I would surely love that peace and quiet space there.

My thoughts are interrupted 23.23 by Bei who throws me a text saying "shit, we still miss two pages of study report!" At that point I was too tired to even want to strangle her. She had panicked me in the morning that we need to write a road description from our walks - we did and I asked was that all, she said yes. Like the dozen times before when I asked if we needed only to write our interviews down from the audio - she said yes every time. Nothing more to do.


Note to myself: When ever you do something with Bei, don't trust her capability to read instructions!


Otherwise I wouldn't mind but this course gives 10 credits and it needs to be done before you can enter the seminar that gives you the lower university degree. She almost screwed that for both of us. Well I did write a report in 40 minutes, sent it 0.44 and went to sleep. At the time Bei had done only half page of hers. I kinda enjoyed that.
   My days intake-burn relation is pure 0. I ate little more than I had planned (my plans set me up for -200-500) but that's ok. At least that will reduce to possible binge. And today I'll burn calories like hell anyway ^^. So I'm cool, I smile - truly with my eyes. Have nice day everyone!

Katie: I really think it's best sometimes too. The best I can do is try to hurt her as little as possible and on the other hand it's best for me if I don't need to be afraid of interrogation every time I see her... that would ruin a friendship. Also it's more helpful if I have someone that takes my mind of things when needed and if she knows too much that can easily turn out to be a fake relationship where both are hiding their real feelings out of fear. Thank you for your lovely words, they mean much <3


Stillimagining: <3 Awww, thank you. There's time when I'm really blaming myself letting her get to me like that, but I try to stay calm and remember that no one is perfect and instead of falling accusing her, I try to understand her which makes it easier not to get mad, judge and just get along with her. You could try too ^^. With my mom it's not worthy to listen to her, she just can't talk. It's about what she does. - And yes, Yuki is a wonderful person. I can't believe my luck that I have a friend like that.