Just dance.

"Are you in the city?"
"No :(, are you still there on the weekend?"
"No, I'll leave tomorrow morning. You have some midsummer plans?"
"Work maybe... don't know. Nothing that I can't change. How are you anyway, I feel like I haven't seen you in ages!"
"Fine, nothing special really. Just went to the entrance exams today."
"That's good. I could write a book with all things going on in my head. Have to say that I'm not doing so well even I had coolest dance hour ever and more up to come."
"What's wrong?"
"Some eating problems that came out of nowhere. It's bad excuse to go to mom's and first eat half of the world and then go 2600 calories minus the next day, start the day saying to the mirror I hate you and have a panic attack when thinking lunch... better day tomorrow, hopefully :) this came so out of nowhere, deeply stuck pattern."
"Doesn't sound good :( try to hang in there!"
"No, sounds horrid. But it's gonna be ok, has to. I just hate these relapses but I can push through - Own fault to start play with food."
"It's sad, but you'll be ok."
"<3 I'm trying hard. If I try to escape bell pepper or battle with my plate, it's ok to drag me to the psych."
"Deal."
"Good :), How did your exams go?"
"Hard to say a thing... will see."
"Well, I have my thumbs up :)! Good night!"

That's me telling Yuki I've fell again.... and manipulating her to believe that I'll be ok. Getting her off my back and making sure I can talk to her more when we see again. This is what I hate about summer, it drives people apart. But she promised to take the key to my warehouse when I'm gone next year. That's good. Now I know my diaries, stories or anything I don't want to won't end up in my mom's hands if something happens to me.

But this is what I really did -2600 calories (when counted with 1600 metabolism) So it's actually -1000 with bare exercise. I just love dancing. ^^ Yu gives some amazing classes and I love her style to do things, no stopping without music and teaching the steps one by one. She just throws them, keeps the music playing and we go non-stop. In a way it's ironic that I've fallen in love with dancing this much... when I was little and I asked mom if I could start ballet she just said to me that my tummy is too big and I can't. I think I was about six. No wonder I swore for years that I hated dancing and I learned the "I'm too fat to do this" way of thinking. Stupidest thing is that I even wasn't fat at that time... and my mom can't remember making that comment, she doesn't even remember me asking if I could start ballet.

   Apart from dance steps yesterday was ok also. I just kept distance to everybody in the house and printed out some new pictures to my diary. I love to glue stuff in between the pages, makes it more lively that way. And about the scale... no I didn't go to step up my mom's, I won't (lying bitch). I'm just trying to be cool, not think about it and weigh myself when I go home. Not having high hopes though... I still can feel the disappointment from last week. I'll do better, I mean moving much can't technically make me gain, right? I just wanna kick ass those numbers.















Sam: Your comment broke me cuz I hate it when I break people *hug*. You're right, it's so fucking stupid. And you my dear, just keep talking, even when you don't know what to say, talk about the butterflies outside if you can't think of anything else. But just keep talking, the words will find you and sooner or later you realize that you haven't been babling but your brain has given you a clue through the butterflies. And honey gladly weight is something that can be fixed, so I'll take my pom poms (that I don't have but I surely can make ones out of newspaper just for you) and cheer you all the way. Let's think it positive and focus on the good so that this journey doesn't feel too hard. <3


Ruby: I will, thank you. Can I have the next dance with you? Let's forget the numbers and stumble on them. I would so love that scenario. <3


Katie: Scale sure is the thing that would make win the 100 meter world champion if I think I've lost something. Just put in on the finish line and I'll be there under 10 seconds. On the bad day even a turtle could win me. Sometimes I manage to look past that and be happy no matter what, but it affects. Love you too <3