Blah, something to say.

No! Fuck YOU!!!

Good Godess!! The scale is not bitching me today. 162.4 (why is that last number always 4 or 2??? Can't wrap my head around that one) which means -7 lb from last week. Progress, and my head is as clear as it can be.

Well it wasn't. I hated my Sunday; like bad!! I didn't write a thing I was supposed to. Just bought ice cream and watched CIA;NY under my blanket the whole day. Dad called and complained about my phone bill... he asked if we should change some thing in it to make it more suitable in my needs. He was drunk, again. I love him, but I'd really appreciate that when he calls me he'd do it because he's really interested what I'm up to, not because there's some stupid phone bill that eventually isn't even that big and because he has some "real" reason to call. He's my dad. He should be calling me like everyday... but no. Not even my mom does that, without any real reason they'll call like once in three weeks.
   Ok, that's that had to get it out.

Monday was one nice day. First I went to lecture... that was double booked and ours had to be the one that moved ahead. I was promised to go have a cup of coffee with Aya and our other friend from the same summer work. We ended up sharing anxiety over all of our things... nothings beats that. After that I met Yuki, she was eating pizza when I came around. We did some quick shopping and had ice cream at this Italian bar. I love Italian ice cream... it's so much better than the creamy sugar fluff we have here and call ice cream.
   And I was right with my feelings that something was up. She had blurred as a joke that she was leaving and realized afterwards that it was actually true. Oops! Well I assume that no one recon it as a real thing since she cracks that kinda jokes all the time. But just to be certain... and one of our course leaders had asked her what she has been up to since she hasn't been around much. And that was after Sheng and I had left. She wasn't having too good time so she just left home.

Anyway it was good to talk with people a little more about things going on. I always crack at spring.
Yesterday's food report:
Tuna salad at uni (~400)
Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee....
Italian ice cream (?)
Run/walk bit over an hour + some crunches and other fun things - 400??
½ banana and 4 cherry tomatoes (~100)

I can't wrap my head around this. I eat way too little to feel this ok. No negativity, no too much anxious, I'm not even tired. That's why I wait some major crack too.

Sunday I had ½ liter ice cream, 1 bag digestive cookies, yogurt, blueberries... and later a handful of macaroni and leeches. That was peacefully during the whole day, so not meeting the requirements for binge. I'm actually afraid of binging... it's something that I recon as a sign that I'm not ok anymore. Not even as ok as I make myself believe. But I haven't relly binged since 4th March which is almost a month now and I haven't taken laxies after that either. Yes yesterday I had moments when I was really tired, anxious over stuff I should have been doing, and that's why I cried over that freaking ice cream I had. But I told myself that it doesn't matter, that I'd weigh myself at Tuesday morning and keep at it on Monday. That the game is not lost yet, it's just ½ liter and that's nothing to worry about. I'm glad to see I was right. I wasn't nothing to worry, I'm thinner than I was on Friday.

So I'm busy, anxious cuz I feel that I can't do everything and crushing under that because I'm going to live at my mother's for a moth. I'm scared that I'll lose it totally. That's why I'm playing with my food now.

LATER
Gah, pms... no need to wait weight loss.