I could have gone with nothing, I think. I disappeared under the counter from time to time, felt like I couldn't breathe and the bad feelings were swollen in my stomach. But I couldn't call to anyone and ask them to make my shift... there was no one who could have done it. I knew that, and if I had left work, where would I have gone and to do what. No one was in town, except Bei but she's not the kind of person you go to when you need hugs and your eating problems are taking a tighter grip on you.
The sun was shining out side making the day even more inappropriate. My step father's father died in the morning.
I texted Nana if she was in hug distance, no. She sended hugs and kisses and promised to try arrange time tonight. She was the first one that I thought because she knew the whole situation going on at work and now she knew about my past too. I don't need to explain my feeling for her too much... I know she'll get it.
Then I tried Aya. She wasn't either... and then I stopped trying. Luckily I had nice customers who saved my day. Nothing to shake me up - I would have crashed totally.
I forced myself to eat the bread and the candy to get energy and to feel something.
Luckily I was more stable when I left at night. I cleaned up to stay busy, I went to bed and fell asleep.
He wasn't too close to me but I remember him as warm hearted person. Even when I got my high school diploma he was happily congratulating me even he had really no idea what he was congratulating me for - or he had but not what you can get with it in these days. He was always so polite to women... and sure I hated the time he lived with us but not because he got sick, started to act like a little boy and insult people without realizing it. I knew he was sick and I was able to understand that, but the thing that made it so horrible was my step dad taking those comments personally and getting mad at him. Sure I get it's hurtful when it's your dad and you cannot accept the things he says but there's nothing you can do. You just take care of him, make sure that he will have shoes on when he goes for a walk, that he has his hat on and that he doesn't put the winter jacket on in the summer. I did that too and of course you grow an emotional bond with someone when you take care of him like that.
I just cannot understand that he's gone. And the stupidest thing is that again I knew that it's going to happen. I had unspeakable misery the day before yesterday, I missed Nana... and later almost anyone to hug me. I thought about death and it's combination with number eight. I just couldn't identify that but I knew.
And the thing that really got me in the state I was yesterday was thoughts of the funeral. I know there's gonna be huge issues... The family there is gonna be torn apart because the only thing keeping them together was their father. There's hate and rivalry and things are gonna get nasty. I'm worried about my sister and how she's gonna be mixed in all that. Luckily she lives far away, but it was her grandpa that died, not mine. And they are her relatives, not mine. So in the end I can't say much to them to make things smoother, I can only watch from the side and try to be there for my sister when she comes to visit on Thursday.
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