Narcotics and friends

No, I've not started to use. But two nights ago me, Sheng and Yuki went to this bar that has a horrible reputation. One guy came to talk to us, he had taken something (no idea what) and his eyes were standing bad. My first impression was to let him sit there because I wanted to check if I needed to call ambulance for him.

Didn't need to.
He wanted just someone to listen because he was hurting so bad. I listened and commented a little bit to get more stuff out of him. Sheng and Yuki were scared, they went to this stick pose the moment he sat down. They didn't say a word and you could see how extremely uncomfortable they were... and later Sheng almost got us into trouble - in a place like that NEVER lie with some things. I mean people don't tell their names, adresses or stuff like that, but when it comes to life; Do Not Fucking Lie about your life experiences or do it well.
   But yea, he told how he had gone down with drugs, his parents had died, he had robbed cars, he had burned a house, he had shot through his own had, he had tried to kill his brother... and he kept saying that he had never hurt any women (except had to put one down because she came at him with knife). But besides his kids that woman-thing was the only thing he seemed to be proud of so of course he kept repeating it. Also he was so mentally beaten down because of the things he had done and that had happened to him that I thought that he was a great ma to be still alive. I honestly think that, it doesn't matter that he has done some really bad things - he regrets and he wants out, so surely he has gotten back what he deserves. That life I don't wish for anyone.
   Furthermore I know too well the thinking pattern that goes around there. Needing tenderness, someone to listen and anxiety over something. All the fear going without the object of addiction and hurting oneself more and more for the sake of living. Trying to feel that you're living. Being terrified the way you do it. Knowing it's wrong but being ashamed and feeling too weak to fight the temptation because it's there. All the fucking time. That magical it telling you what you need, you try to tell it no, you fight with it, you get tired of fighting - eventually you will - and when you stop to breathe for a second it changes form and comes to you as solution. One more time, just one more... tomorrow, you'll be stronger and that you deserve to have it after this fight. You need it after this fight to feel better. Then you have it and you feel like the worst person in the world, you say what does it matter because you'll feel shit anyway, so you have it.

I can totally understand how someone can end up there. But the side this incident got out of Yuki and Sheng I wasn't proud of. I didn't say to them how well I was able to relate... I didn't have time to say that. Suddenly there was a man in there and our drugie was pulling out his fists, not hitting anyone but scared and getting ready to. Sheng got more scared and when the situation was over she was like "my boyfriend is waiting" with bad acting. Not even taking her phone out or anything. Our man thought straight that he had caused problems. I mean really, scared man, taken some shit and you pull out the boyfriend-card and LIE???!!!? Like mother fucking what?! You wanna fist in your face and get sliced with beer glass? I had to block myself between the drungie and my friends and I babbled to him how he was cool guy, not causing problems and how great dad he must be (despite all the shit, he really was a good dad) so that my friend could make their way out.

   And when we were talking about him... gosh! I wanted to punch them because that sounded so unfair. They had been bored, not really listening him, and they said that he was pathetic with his way of thinking that "this is the path". Sure I know we haven't seen each other for ages and he kinda cut it short but that's no reason to bitch about him like that. I just keep wondering that what if it was me? What if I had told them same shit over and over again and added little pieces here and there like he did, would they have listened? Would I be pathetic with my amusement park -like life and thinking ways? They didn't get any of it. Not how shitty he felt, not how he felt trapped and that he had no choice. They were scared, I get it. But that's no excuse... it's just so fucking ugly to see that in your own friends that you love and trust.
   Furthermore I had felt shitty whole day... wandering around with anxiety and panicking with food. Just really down and then this guy shows up and starts talking and I felt better. Then these two mock him for being pathetic for the same reason I wanted to cry, scream and fall apart. Not fun. Like at all.

But I played it. Blamed my mood on summer work ending and no one asked more.

Yesterday night was better, like way better. I was out with Nana and two others from work... E (a really cute girl, who has lovely personality) and Ni (our tech boy, bit bad with communicating and has a thing with Nana).
   I was still thinking the day before, was a little bit quiet and Nana was asking with first drink half way if everything was ok. I told her not to worry, that it was nothing major and she shouldn't bother her head with it. Later when we had moved to another place, E had gone home to sleep and Ni was caught up with football match she asked again saying that she really wants to know. Told her, short version and she gave me a speech how my friend were gonna be there for me when I come back after an year. Sure they will be, I don't doubt that at all. Question is that what kind of friends I got here waiting for me.

   Otherwise talked about boys, mothers and again it's so mystical that how quickly you can make really good friends with someone. Before I thought that me getting with Yuki was quick, but that took like a century compared to this one. And with Nana it's different, way different... she's more open. Yuki and I haven't been alone just two of us in ages. She has started to think either or between her boyfriend and her friends. So when she sees us, it's all of us together. And she talks about what's in her mind which is obviously analyzing her relationship... after that I seem not to get my mouth open. And because she treasures her boy in secret it's not like I could even take part in that conversation. I would like to get to know him too, but what can you do? I should talk with her but it's not that easy when no one smokes and you cannot flee away to talk somewhere! I hate this fucking picture perfection!
   But yea, with Nana... 7 hours in same shift, 1 hour on a cliff in personal party, 1 night out and there's nothing she doesn't know about me. And the same thing on the other way around. So this speed train took us out the second time yesterday and I really love to be around her. But I also understand Yuki's situation well, she's like the new girl in the block. Not really had friends around here before and not a boy... she must be little confused how to handle and keep things together and me shutting up doesn't help at all.

How about the other end of me?
Yesterday I had a handful of candy and a cheese bread at cafe.
The day before I had a peach, one bread slice with smoked salmon salad and tomato soup.
Both days around 500. So I'm doing well, or depending on which way you look at it.