Today I feel like crying, bitter sweet and speechless. Yesterday was too amazing to put in words.
Kat asks me for a smoke with her, she gives me this lovely looking glass square. I look at it and almost star crying, there's a white angel inside. She tells me that her daughter had put all the thoughts in deciding what to give for us and that she had thought very hard with her too. Kat said that it resembles the feeling they got towards me... as I see it it wasn't too much of a joke when she called me and Aya her adopted daughters. Even if it came within the joke, that sentence really stayed with me. Half I was wondering if it was just me hopin' things and imagining something too good to be true but now I know I didn't dream it. That thing includes so much, it's not just the angel it's much more than that. It resembles the feelings, memories, all the kind things they did and all the words they said. I don't think Kat as my mom, I haven't really figured it out yet but she's an inspiration, someone who listens and cares and with who I can share a lot of painful stuff without it being so painful.
***
Nana is sitting her back to me. She's watching our pirate actors play their songs, she's leaning the same surface as I am. Suddenly the boat starts rocking harder, she looks at me saying "wow, it's really swinging!" I see little panic hidden in her eye corner, few hours before I heard that she's scared of boats and drowning. I place my hand tight on her shoulders, pull her closer and put my head next to hers. I don't want her to feel alone because that would make her even more scared.
Later on the deck she's cold. Poor Nana, I think. She didn't take enough clothes with her and she had before my jacket on but now the jacket was down under the deck. I close my arms again around her because I'm little chilly too in the wind and she has a lovely warm fleece jacket on. This point I notice some of people looking us with curiosity. Right I felt sad too because now it was all over and sure I was hanging on her for that because I didn't want to close myself inside my head and start going paranoid over the pizza I had - I know I would have blamed all on that thing and that would have led to anxiety. Big time. Thank god, I had Nana there so I managed quite well.
***
Everyone steps on land, hugs, saying good by and wondering when we will see next time. Kat hugs me and we agree that I'll come with them to after-season party in two weeks. Then I grab Nana and one of my younger colleges comes with us to catch buss. Unfortunately Nana misses hers, she didn't bother to run and stayed talking with me half an hour. Warm feeling stayed with me the whole way through, I can't recall what we were talking about exactly but her last words are tatooed in my mind. "Like you could feel all the good thing million times stonger, that feeling" then she waved her hand and said that we should still see before we change city, country and continent (or I change).
***
Now I'm sitting and drinking coffee alone. Trying to hold on these memories so that I wouldn't crash and turn into a pile of something unidentified. Feelings are surfacing big time and I'm overloaded. This has been too good to be true.
***
Later on the deck she's cold. Poor Nana, I think. She didn't take enough clothes with her and she had before my jacket on but now the jacket was down under the deck. I close my arms again around her because I'm little chilly too in the wind and she has a lovely warm fleece jacket on. This point I notice some of people looking us with curiosity. Right I felt sad too because now it was all over and sure I was hanging on her for that because I didn't want to close myself inside my head and start going paranoid over the pizza I had - I know I would have blamed all on that thing and that would have led to anxiety. Big time. Thank god, I had Nana there so I managed quite well.
***Everyone steps on land, hugs, saying good by and wondering when we will see next time. Kat hugs me and we agree that I'll come with them to after-season party in two weeks. Then I grab Nana and one of my younger colleges comes with us to catch buss. Unfortunately Nana misses hers, she didn't bother to run and stayed talking with me half an hour. Warm feeling stayed with me the whole way through, I can't recall what we were talking about exactly but her last words are tatooed in my mind. "Like you could feel all the good thing million times stonger, that feeling" then she waved her hand and said that we should still see before we change city, country and continent (or I change).
***
Now I'm sitting and drinking coffee alone. Trying to hold on these memories so that I wouldn't crash and turn into a pile of something unidentified. Feelings are surfacing big time and I'm overloaded. This has been too good to be true.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti