Little Poisonous Apple

I got one problem and it's called Maya. The negativity floating from her is amazing. Seriously, it weighs me down and affects on my performance. Like for example Tuesday we had listening class and Maya (she does this every class) turned say something to me. I got that i wasn't related to the class and she said it so quiet I couldn't hear her. So I shake my head and told her I couldn't hear. And the teacher thought that I didn't understood because she just had asked for the fourth time if we understood it. And I got to repeat the whole dialogue with her. Not Maya who had turned the wrong way and disturbing me even I first tried to ignore her. 

   So thanks.

   This is really getting to me. I messaged Shou Nu... told her my latest feelings and that negative energy source. That sinking right back, down to ed path to the solitude and forbidden food wonderland seems more and more triggering. Like I don't want to stay on this side of the sun where I got my friends, ability to live, act and actually some days feel good. Like that years of work I've done to get to this point would mean nothing and I could throw them to the trash just like that. Give up on everything, again. Loose everything, again. Repeat it, again. And maybe this time succeed better or die trying. It really doesn't look that scary anymore... the negativity floating around is scarier. 

   I don't mean that life here would be totally horrible. It's not. I like it here, the only thing I'd wish to change is somethings around me. There's too much judging, sharp opinions that stick you like needle and complaining about really pointless stuff.

   Why not focus on what's good and lovely and why?

   Why not focus on this moment and stop this competing with life? How can you even try to do such thing? It's like raping other people's experiences, feelings, values, personality... everything. If there would a definition for mental raping, that would be it. I need someone who can live now and remember later. 

I tried to make myself feel better, it did work. Went to the temple, skipped school for that, watched what locals did and bowed to some Buddhist statues with burning incense. It was to freeing at that moment. And later thing were going smoothly, mentally I gained something. First of all I realized this whole energy thing; that I need to find balance and I was quite ok. Then at Starbucks after that I got service in English - with GOOD English, a I nearly started crying there because it felt so good. They also gave me cheese cake and one lime-drink for free. Really I don't know why, but it was so good. And I found Tesco. And even though I ate too much bread at night and skipped exercise I had lost -1,5 lbs. 

Shou Nu answered me that her friend had told her that she had lost 4 kg only by deleting one negative friend from her life. Based on that she told me to think about the weight of that in mental sense. It's huge. I haven't quite figured it out yet, but I feel that I'm on to something. I mean you know it stick on you, just the thin black layer that blurs out your view, it's like mental dirt that floats around and covers you totally. It lies to you. It claims to be a little thing but in reality it actually weighs you down little by little more than a real sorrow that is black block you carry with you. Why? Why do you think it goes like that? Is it because this thin layer of black dirt feeds from you, and because it covers you totally it takes more away from your energy than the clear block that can only suck your energy from certain points? 

   And what does that mean again? Is it something that makes us feel worthless and drives us to insanity?

It's really interesting actually, but somehow I need to change the energy, or I'll be in huge trouble. I also sent message to Nana, actually this was the starting point. Writing message to her I realized this so familiar warmth rising up towards this black sparkling glamour that is so rotten inside. Little poisonous apple. 

   Nana answered me basically that she'd kill me if I did anything stupid. That I can't turn the way that is looks like the easy answer that I'd so regret later. I also thought that I need to write to Cat and Aya... just to stay in check and get the possibility to analyze this through. I was thinking those messages and I actually realized that one thing that truly makes me happy at the moment is that I got people to tell about my feelings even though they're not here. And you guys, I'm writing to you because, we're all in same boat. Different seats and diffenrent places but still we can understand what the meaning of the negativity and sharing views and opinions is what makes us mentally richer. Not judging, in order to learn something new and understand others and to be a better friend we need to listen, take in, accept and look at the world with new eyes, see like she does, feel what she feels - only after that we can say to a person if she's sane, stupid, or smart and beautiful. But think with me girls... what you feel about negativity?

And just to prove that negativity's weight; yesterday I had a tai ji class and at night I went to running for two hours (didn't run the whole time but maybe 30 minutes in total), I had only handful of nuts, yogurt and bread for lunch, then one veggie/beef meal for dinner ending close to 1300 calories and I lost nothing. No loss - Maya was around me, the other day she wasn't.