Love project - the new beginning part million

I've been inactive lately because I haven't known what to write. Confusion is my other name but after meditating and stretching last night I managed to gain some kind of peace of mind. I've been going crazy (yea what else is new) panicking over calories that haven't even eaten yet like they'd be inside me - and I'm craving everything; milkshake, ice cream, candy, bun, cake, cookie... anything that I know is going to be on my face in a second. Like yesterday I was walking towards a cafe and I thought about their muffins. Just the picture of them in my head made me go insane, inside screaming no, no, no like I would have eaten it already and my day would be screwed from even thinking that. That went on couple of minutes and I was so fucking scared that I'll buy it... so "Now, listen to me you little pathetic idiot, you are crying over nothing, your day is not screwed yet - you haven't even eaten that yet!" And what a relief was that. It was true I hadn't eaten it yet.

I was three days off. Now I got another work bunch to do... and it always goes shit when I get too tired but maybe this time I'll manage better. I hope I will. At least I decided to create a thing called love project to change my thinking towards more lenient, respecting and kind towards myself. I mean that I need to figure out some better ways to tell myself no than saying that I'm idiot. It's getting harder to look in to the mirror and I cannot go back where I was few years ago... that's one reason I'm scared to succeed in anything now. I was successful in loosing weight but I also felt crab. I still do feel shit but not the extent I did. Hard to explain but...
   The idea is that I need to name (1) event and (2) body part that I loved and appreciated during the day. Also I need to eat only food that says to my body that I love you. And I wish I manage to take few minutes from my day to meditation to keep calm. + I need to share my love and do nice things for people.

Shortly what has happened is that I went out with Ran and Bei - not surprising, I was missing Cat, Yuki and I'm anxious about my next year in Asia because I'm still too fat to go there... in process of getting the beach body and training to triathlon (in which I've lately sucked hard). But time time to pick up where I left it. I've also cried myself at sleep one night - don't know why, everything just came out finally. I bought new clothes... picture coming later ^^. Also got to add that mom has called me two days in a row, first with really nothing to say and the second to tell that my step dad's dad has been hospitalized. I asked if they had called my little sister and mom was like I don't know if we're going to... I snapped her on the phone. Lecturing her like a five year old kid. My little sister is 17 and she lives with her mom 450 kilometers away. And it sounded like there's going to be funeral soon, so I wonder how in hell they're going to tell her that he was in hospital few weeks before he died. Nice job. I can imagine how pissed she'll be if no one tells her, she's not a baby anymore and even if she were that's no reason to leave this info under pillow.

35 days to China
1st day of the love project
1 lbs lost
? inches lost
1 year to triathlon