It's raining, I've woken up at 7 when Marie texted me that her brother has said something really hurtful and she didn't know what to do. First I red that it was her boyfriend, their names are alike and I was sleepy like hell... but eventually we got that sorted out. Time... just give it time. Alcohol makes people say stupid things and the worst part is that they don't remember it - and yet it doesn't make it any more right or acceptable. He had said he's sorry, even he can't remember.
What I've been up to? Been hanging out with Ran. I can't believe that she's back for good, no more green camouflage clothing, no more leaving her at the bus station and wondering when is the next time I'll see her. She's back from the army. She's here, with me. I can't believe this is happening... sure she got a boyfriend now but the thing I love about her is that she's the kinda girl who needs her own space a lot.
Also Bei is back from her home town and that shows in my eating already. I ate way too much yesterday... but didn't binge (for a change). I still have issues with her being negative and such but I just haven't found a right time to bring it up for real. Furthermore, there're those you share your secrets with and those who you hang out with. Right now she's at hang out group...
I made myself a new bracelet for inspiration, put a new color in my hair (now it's green-purple-blue) ^^
... took too many laxatives, dream way too big, want to give up but won't, pray that I wouldn't have to live, hide behind my personality, wish that I'd have time to write a book, draw better, think positive... save the world. Be a hero.
But still I'm stuck in here, I would be so ready to go already... China; 51 days. I hate waiting changes, I'm so exited and yet I need to wait for a while. Dreaming. That's what I've done these past days... watched Ice Age 4 with Ran, watched Sherlock Holmes, missing Cat, Yuki and all other people who are somewhere else. But even so I'm good (because I haven't stepped on the scale to weigh my guilt and I won't). As always I find it hard to maintain anything in this freaking limbo waiting things to happen and change... but I try. I try as hard as I can. It's just that being hungry doesn't give me the same kinda of satisfaction as it did before, but being full screams still failure, disappointment and gluttony. That's why I circle mindlessly, no matter what I do it's wrong. I'll figure this out. I will. I promise. I have to. And one day I wish there's numbers that make me happy, not want to dig in the hole forever... I mean shit. I AM in the hole. The question is how to get out in the day light. I'll figure this out, so will. Babbling determination and having a day when I can't get hold of anything and want to eat the whole world to fill the hole, give me something to grab with both hands and make me unite with my body again.
stillimagining - Yep, I wish but noooo. I try though, I try.
What I've been up to? Been hanging out with Ran. I can't believe that she's back for good, no more green camouflage clothing, no more leaving her at the bus station and wondering when is the next time I'll see her. She's back from the army. She's here, with me. I can't believe this is happening... sure she got a boyfriend now but the thing I love about her is that she's the kinda girl who needs her own space a lot.
Also Bei is back from her home town and that shows in my eating already. I ate way too much yesterday... but didn't binge (for a change). I still have issues with her being negative and such but I just haven't found a right time to bring it up for real. Furthermore, there're those you share your secrets with and those who you hang out with. Right now she's at hang out group...
I made myself a new bracelet for inspiration, put a new color in my hair (now it's green-purple-blue) ^^
... took too many laxatives, dream way too big, want to give up but won't, pray that I wouldn't have to live, hide behind my personality, wish that I'd have time to write a book, draw better, think positive... save the world. Be a hero.
But still I'm stuck in here, I would be so ready to go already... China; 51 days. I hate waiting changes, I'm so exited and yet I need to wait for a while. Dreaming. That's what I've done these past days... watched Ice Age 4 with Ran, watched Sherlock Holmes, missing Cat, Yuki and all other people who are somewhere else. But even so I'm good (because I haven't stepped on the scale to weigh my guilt and I won't). As always I find it hard to maintain anything in this freaking limbo waiting things to happen and change... but I try. I try as hard as I can. It's just that being hungry doesn't give me the same kinda of satisfaction as it did before, but being full screams still failure, disappointment and gluttony. That's why I circle mindlessly, no matter what I do it's wrong. I'll figure this out. I will. I promise. I have to. And one day I wish there's numbers that make me happy, not want to dig in the hole forever... I mean shit. I AM in the hole. The question is how to get out in the day light. I'll figure this out, so will. Babbling determination and having a day when I can't get hold of anything and want to eat the whole world to fill the hole, give me something to grab with both hands and make me unite with my body again.
stillimagining - Yep, I wish but noooo. I try though, I try.
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