Maybe I thought my life was boring?

To make long story short, was out with Ran and Bei... danced with a guy 20 minutes and gave him my phone number - don't know why (worst idea ever cuz I didn't even like him) and now I got a stalker. Worst thing is that he knows the area I live in and it's not a huge job for him to seek me out if he really wants to. Also I didn't save his number so I accidentally answered when he called me... oops! But now I know that he tried to find me on FB with my first name (which is REALLY common) and think of the hours he must have been sitting there trying to find me. He said he thought he had and sent me a friend request... didn't hit the right person. Thank god.

   But that kinda made me freak out and now I'm trying to ignore him and hope that that's that. Don't know... something is bothering me still with it. Not really sure what but, something isn't right. This is the reason I've been unable to post yesterday like I planned... I asked Cat if I could stay on the island and she said of course. I spent probably few hours staring the little chickens in their nest, feeling just numb... thinking shit and being afraid like hell. Earlier I had talked with Aya, she had told me to ignore him and I want to take that advice. She had been sleeping on the island and when I texted her in the morning to come to the harbor because I have a man crisis going on she had said it out loud to everyone (not mad at her, kinda funny situation). At this point I need to add that this man was from different cultural background and he's probably a Muslim (no offence to anyone, I respect every Religion but in this situation it plays a role) which would mean that he can marry someone outside their religion and kinda like save a woman by turning her into Muslim. For me that's an absolute no, no. I don't flag because of any god, don't belong to church and I'm pure pagan because I believe in mutual respect, not force. I you want to believe that's fine, but restricting one's freedom feels just wrong - being caged is one of my worst fears so let me tell you that I couldn't be a good enough Muslim.

   But you see the problem here, difference. From my point of view we can co-exist but I don't know if he thinks that. I was actually so bad that I had two invisible panic attacks at work when I was alone with customers. Didn't tell Cat about that and I dearly valued Aya telling them in the morning because when I asked if I could stay and said that I have a slight problem and I don't want to go home, she didn't ask too much.

Cat asked only when I was still, staring that chicken cage in silence. Opening my hair in the wind and binding it up again, again and again. She walked by and asked if I'd come for "so called smoke". She knows that I don't smoke but that I always join people who go out and do so. Her way of saying that I'm here, if you need me... of course I went. And she asked straight about my crisis. Explained it to her with little detail about me having a stalker like that once before... gee. Why the fuck it's always me? First my class mates are harrasing me couple of times in high school, then this village pervert, then few Italians while in the cruise, then the stalker number one, then one deaf boy follows me from the buss to my home door and tries to kiss me and come inside, now this!! All I can said that it was really wise to stay a night, I felt safe and was able to sleep, now I don't know if I am. Basically I can just feel all of those hands every where even if this particular dyyd hasn't touched me apart from the dance floor. And now I'm thinking that maybe I was asking for this, maybe I try to hurt myself, maybe this was some subconscious idea... maybe I. Me. Am at fault. I recon this to be false but I find hard to believe it right now. I'm a mess, scared.... and alone at home at the moment. Shit.

 Just that you know, touch is incredibly powerful tool.
Just to night, tomorrow I'll be on the island again... safe and I can try to talk to Cat more about this, maybe clean my mouth from twenty year full of shit. Don't know. I'm just too good to find trouble.

Food wise my 3rd day of ABC was perfect like the two before too. I'm loosing, -1.6lb after the first day, now I don't know. Tomorrow I'll be wiser. If I just close my eyes and pretend that nothing happened, I'll be ok, right. Just stay focused Tat, stay focused to the task you got.