Three days of something

Monday morning
While I was editing the alias name page (something I have wanted to do for a while now) I also read some older posts... I noticed that in July I was calling Suna to Hope. I kinda like the Hope more but I think I'll keep the name anyway. After silent weekend (again) and one lazy morning which caused us nearly to be late from the zumba class... we just wouldn't get up because it was too nice to be there holding her. I woke up earlier so I had all the time in the world to grab her there and make sure she slept a little bit more.
   "Did you sleep at all?"
   "A little... there was one point where I was awake quite a while but then I was just sleeping."
   What is it with that? When you sleep next to someone the first night is always all about staying awake - even is you didn't try - and making sure the other one is sleeping. I have the feeling that she was awake most of the time too.

Yesterday we had a killer conversation... again via fb. I'm having some food issues again. Seriously I feel like I'm loosing to my head. I have busy, busy week this week and it wants to take advantage of that by eating 0. Today I have two bananas with me to the work but I can't promise I'll eat even them. Depends on who wins today the battle of wills. I just feel the Christmas coming and the anxiety builds up the more the candies and Santa Clauses appear to the stores. I feel the shadow on top of me and I told Suna about it. She had the chills running on her spine again, she was crying alone, being mad at my parents and she said she would hug my pillow because I wasn't there (which tells me that she didn't bother to put my pillow and blanket away but sleeps next to them - sweet, such a small thing but it tells me that I'm not imagining being loved)
   But thank god she hasn't been thinking about it too much today. I was worried... but now we agreed that I will talk on Friday, tell the rest face to face what there's to tell and I hope I can get her to say something too about the things she likes to call "problems" because she feel they're so nothing. I said to that that if it's enough to call anything called problem, it's something to worth care about. I told her that I feel that often too that my life has been way too easy and I'm just one weak girl falling into despair because of nothing... but I know it's not true. I know it's not. There will always be a story which is more horrifying than your own but every life is unique and you can't mark it with red or green and compare who has gone through the most.

I'm scared of Friday in some level. I can't even remember what are the things she knows... well I guess I have to tell her the whole thing anyway from the beginning. And how (I hope it will come out...)

Thuesday morning
Me and food don't go together very well at the moment. I don't want to put anything down from my mouth... wanting to shrink into nothingness again. It's the stress reaction I think.... it always goes like this when I'm piled with work because I feel like I can't think if I eat too much. It's funny how I need to pull this string to get anything done and then I get totally lost in myself. Academic craziness. Everyone has their own thing... (so it's not only the Christmas, it's Christmas effected stress. In the spring this works out differently and as you can remember last spring I woke up running 5 am and ate breakfast and studied after that)
   I didn't say this stress aspect to Suna but she knows I'm having troubles with eating at the moment. And she's trying to ask and pressure me a little... I don't feel too bad about it anymore because I know there's no use telling her to stop worrying. She'll worry anyway. She's my little hummingbird in the cage made of silver glitter... and she says she knows she's not responsible for what I put in my mouth and what I don't.

Yesterday I had 3pm a bowl of yogurt with one banana, cereal and few nuts + 350, later one protein bar +185 at 5pm, made noodles and veggies in green curry (8.30 pm + 500) because I promised Suna I would eat something and then I had little yogurt and rest of the cereals and nuts which made (unnecessary) + 300. My activity level has been high because while doing the dishes I constantly walk and lift up heavy things... so half a day (four and half hours of that) and two hour walk with Yuki. That makes it around the 0 calories in the system... [if six hours of walking burns around 1600 and I ate around 1400]
   And today I'm also planning to use this rush schedule to not eat.

Wednesday night
Eating, eating, eating...ok not too much but clearly compensating the past few days. And I'm dying under all that school work I have to do.... Blah, blah, blah...
(while waiting the Friday - I decided to do all possible things I can ever think of so that I can stay closer to Suna and I don't need to study that much)...

Sorry lovlies, I'm dead tired and I will fall down to sleep now. Tomorrow is a new shiny day and I wish it's bit better - I feel the stress in every bone and the bones scream at me for being such a looser. Fuck this, fuck everything (the time of the month... I say it's that because there's nothing else that would bring me down from Suna cloud.)

And ladies thanks for commenting, I'll get back to you when my brain is working.