I feel her there with my every body part, she's leaning on me with her full weight and I can't help thinking how easy it would be to close my arms around her now. But my hands got better things to do, her muscles are painfully stuck again and I'm trying to get the blood circulation going on, once again. Also I don't really think she would appreciate a hug as much as massage.
At least I didn't feel like talking today, I just wanted to be with her just like that. Close and quiet. Almost like enjoying the intimacy we couldn't when we were actually talking during the week. Madacasgar is playing on its own phase I'm not really watching it, I'm watching Suna who's about to fell asleep on my lap while my hands travel on her shoulders and around her collar bones.
"I should go to wash my teeth before I fall asleep in here..."
"You dare to try to go?"
"I guess I have to..." and she closes her eyes still for a while, not making a single effort to move. I count to thirty, slowly and she actually stands up. I secretly hope that she would come back just as close as she was. So far she has - every time she has stepped up, she has also come back as close if not even closer. But the odds are that she might go to bed and tell me to watch the movie to the end alone. However, she surprises me. She sits towards me, pulling her legs up the knees close to me and for a flying second I think crap. She's so far away. But then her hand travels around behind me and pulls me right in to her lap saying thank you. I just stay there, I can hear her heart beating as I lean to her chest, I can feel how she plays with my hair and how everything is suddenly going to be just ok, she doesn't even need to say it. The Madagascar heroes are going to get the water floating to the empty drinking place. Again they save the day.
Something inside of me is melting. People sure do hug me and they care but they never pull me in like that. Again one of those moments when you know that you have to let people close so that they can heal the parts of you where you can't reach. The hardest part is not find the people who could heal you, the hardest part is to let them close and let them heal you. But I can understand the hardness of doing that, I can hear it from her heart beat; it's fast, she's scared of my reaction and the possibility that I might push her away.
***
Suna comes out of the shower, I'm sitting there quiet hugging my knees and staring one spot even though there's a tv I could watch.
"what is it?"
"Life is hunting me." I say and it's true. I had written a massive letter to Yu where I thanked her for everything she had done for me and I actually gave it. I was in shock. I had tried that for years, to tell her what's really going on in my mind but I never could... I have many letters to her in a box I can't open yet.
She sat between me and the sofa. Pulled me in and I forgot the time. I heard he heart once again but this time I was hoping I could cry. Nothing came. It's still a huge plumb inside of me that I really can't figure out.
She was glancing down on me, she I could nearly be sure that she was crying. Her breathing changed. I got a few words out of my mouth and turned around. There she was red eyed, lines on her cheeks. She was crying for me. Hugs, more words..."
" I so couldn't read your blog."
"I know... I wouldn't want you to cry like that every night." I said playing with her hair.
" Now you can write to your diary that she never stopped crying..."
"Nope, I won't. I will write there that I wonder what's going on in her mind."
(the kind of laughter that tells I just stabbed her with too much love) "...and you still worry about others even though your head is going crazy... we got roles mixed up here, don't you think?"
" I don't care. Everything that has happened to me is somehow so distant that when I start to talk about it, it feels like it never happened to me. Like I would be telling a story that happened for someone else."
Silence. I was prepared to wait because she wouldn't be able to say what was on her mind. I felt it, there was too much in there, things which doesn't have words to them. She reached her phone and searched a song for me. "Small, beautiful being... there's nothing that so heavy that it could break you... you're special, what ever life brings, never anyone like you" ... and something, those are the most important messages in that song, it's in Finnish and for once something sounds better in in Finnish than in English.
Then she did something I thought to be impossible. She got her pillow and blanket and came to sleep next to me on the floor, the hard floor. I sleep only on a mat and I'm happy about it. But she's one of the most comfort looking persons I know, she gave up her bed for me, stayed there with me. I can't remember when was the last time I fell asleep while gentle touch travels down on my cheek and forehead.
***
"Guess what, I forgot to tell you something yesterday..." I'm writing on fb, "...when I was on that speech course on Friday and we start by telling how the week has gone, this time with one sentence, I said that 'Now I'm sure I got new really precious friend in my life'. There was nothing else worth mentioning."
"< 3... I've been thinking exactly the same thing."
My week is mainly been filled with her again. The speech went fine, I just got up and improvised the whole thing... I heard I was relaxed and really natural in there - and that I speak too fast. But that's all I already knew so nothing new feedback from there. Exam was something I can't really say how did it go... I was able to answer and I know I passed but I have no idea how well I did. Food wise I've been eating too much candy (as a replacement for real food) and nothing much at all. Solids are completely out and I've been going on with soups and porridge. I think that the only solid thing this week has been the bread slices I eat with the soups and salad... maybe around 1000-1600 calories a day but that 800 of those is sweets. So number wise it's not panic limit but nutrient wise it's bad... my motivation has gone out of the window to do anything about it. It's also partly because of the situation in my head. The plumb. The knob that hinders me from feeling something I need to feel. I still can't believe that I wasn't crying when Suna tried new braids on my hair (usually that gets me in tears when someone is playing around with my hair) or when she cried those four hours (it was once again one of those magical moments when time doesn't exist). I know that one reason is the letter I wrote (I'm hell of a scared of the answer Yu is going to give me...), but I can't help thinking that there's something else there too. I just can't grasp it.
"What a smile you have on your face!" Aya says as I pull out my bed and hide under the blanket, "it hasn't disappeared from your face once tomnight!"
"I'm just happy, you know. It's the best when you just feel so much for someone."
"I know" she smiles "you want to dance around with all that energy that tickles in your toes and you're just waiting to explode because it makes you bubble so much. At least your inner fengshui seems to be in better order because you're not bothered by it that your bed is not straight"
"I know! I've been smiling like this the whole day! This is so crazy but I noticed it when people wouldn't come to sit next to me in a buss... it's better way to get yourself the two seats than play sleeping like I did before. I was absolutely the last one who got an oldish lady sitting next to me from the airport and she sat there looking for five minutes isn't there really any other place she could go!"
" OMG, (laughing), you just go to love Finland! When you smile public people are looking at you like you're crazy and just trying to avoid you the best they can because they think you're some mad crazy-girl."
"Well they got that one right, I kinda am..."
*Cultural note: It's really true that it's normal for the Finnish to act like that when someone looks excessively happy... and it's even more normal that when you first wait for the bus, you stare one spot ahead of you and there's at least half a meter to the next person and if you don't know them, you won't say anything - and even if you were with someone you know, you might just stay quiet because there's nothing to say; it's obvious, you guys are waiting a bus and you don't need to break the code of waiting in silence. When you step in the buss, you must take first the place where both of the two seats are free, if there's absolutely no possibility for that, then you might sit next to somebody and you pic the person who looks out of the window so that you don't need to talk to strangers. If you're with a friend, you might take the both seats together but if there's space you will both take your own set of two seats.
Bella: thank you :), you really got the point in there... sometimes it's so much easier to talk like that. Specially if the writing is the primary way of communicating like I have.
Sam: That is the mystical cycle of sharing same mentality with someone. You just live with them even though they're not there. And I know... I shouldn't be so hard on myself when someone is hurting and I'm not there. There's the battles we need to face alone.
And these cultural thing are so interesting... I had no idea that you can be more open emotionally in Bahrain than in Finland. I mean if a girl storms out crying in here, it depends on the company what happens. If no one knows her too well, they'll do nothing. And actually even the possibility of that happening is minimal because people will stay calm, say they need to go to toilet or something and then they crash there silently when no one is watching.
Weekend-Windup: Thank you :), do you have a blog somewhere hidden? I couldn't see it from you profile of you do...
"I should go to wash my teeth before I fall asleep in here..."
"You dare to try to go?"
"I guess I have to..." and she closes her eyes still for a while, not making a single effort to move. I count to thirty, slowly and she actually stands up. I secretly hope that she would come back just as close as she was. So far she has - every time she has stepped up, she has also come back as close if not even closer. But the odds are that she might go to bed and tell me to watch the movie to the end alone. However, she surprises me. She sits towards me, pulling her legs up the knees close to me and for a flying second I think crap. She's so far away. But then her hand travels around behind me and pulls me right in to her lap saying thank you. I just stay there, I can hear her heart beating as I lean to her chest, I can feel how she plays with my hair and how everything is suddenly going to be just ok, she doesn't even need to say it. The Madagascar heroes are going to get the water floating to the empty drinking place. Again they save the day.
Something inside of me is melting. People sure do hug me and they care but they never pull me in like that. Again one of those moments when you know that you have to let people close so that they can heal the parts of you where you can't reach. The hardest part is not find the people who could heal you, the hardest part is to let them close and let them heal you. But I can understand the hardness of doing that, I can hear it from her heart beat; it's fast, she's scared of my reaction and the possibility that I might push her away.
***
Suna comes out of the shower, I'm sitting there quiet hugging my knees and staring one spot even though there's a tv I could watch. "what is it?"
"Life is hunting me." I say and it's true. I had written a massive letter to Yu where I thanked her for everything she had done for me and I actually gave it. I was in shock. I had tried that for years, to tell her what's really going on in my mind but I never could... I have many letters to her in a box I can't open yet.
She sat between me and the sofa. Pulled me in and I forgot the time. I heard he heart once again but this time I was hoping I could cry. Nothing came. It's still a huge plumb inside of me that I really can't figure out.
She was glancing down on me, she I could nearly be sure that she was crying. Her breathing changed. I got a few words out of my mouth and turned around. There she was red eyed, lines on her cheeks. She was crying for me. Hugs, more words..."
" I so couldn't read your blog."
"I know... I wouldn't want you to cry like that every night." I said playing with her hair.
" Now you can write to your diary that she never stopped crying..."
"Nope, I won't. I will write there that I wonder what's going on in her mind."
(the kind of laughter that tells I just stabbed her with too much love) "...and you still worry about others even though your head is going crazy... we got roles mixed up here, don't you think?"
" I don't care. Everything that has happened to me is somehow so distant that when I start to talk about it, it feels like it never happened to me. Like I would be telling a story that happened for someone else."
Silence. I was prepared to wait because she wouldn't be able to say what was on her mind. I felt it, there was too much in there, things which doesn't have words to them. She reached her phone and searched a song for me. "Small, beautiful being... there's nothing that so heavy that it could break you... you're special, what ever life brings, never anyone like you" ... and something, those are the most important messages in that song, it's in Finnish and for once something sounds better in in Finnish than in English.
***
"Guess what, I forgot to tell you something yesterday..." I'm writing on fb, "...when I was on that speech course on Friday and we start by telling how the week has gone, this time with one sentence, I said that 'Now I'm sure I got new really precious friend in my life'. There was nothing else worth mentioning."
"< 3... I've been thinking exactly the same thing."
My week is mainly been filled with her again. The speech went fine, I just got up and improvised the whole thing... I heard I was relaxed and really natural in there - and that I speak too fast. But that's all I already knew so nothing new feedback from there. Exam was something I can't really say how did it go... I was able to answer and I know I passed but I have no idea how well I did. Food wise I've been eating too much candy (as a replacement for real food) and nothing much at all. Solids are completely out and I've been going on with soups and porridge. I think that the only solid thing this week has been the bread slices I eat with the soups and salad... maybe around 1000-1600 calories a day but that 800 of those is sweets. So number wise it's not panic limit but nutrient wise it's bad... my motivation has gone out of the window to do anything about it. It's also partly because of the situation in my head. The plumb. The knob that hinders me from feeling something I need to feel. I still can't believe that I wasn't crying when Suna tried new braids on my hair (usually that gets me in tears when someone is playing around with my hair) or when she cried those four hours (it was once again one of those magical moments when time doesn't exist). I know that one reason is the letter I wrote (I'm hell of a scared of the answer Yu is going to give me...), but I can't help thinking that there's something else there too. I just can't grasp it.
"What a smile you have on your face!" Aya says as I pull out my bed and hide under the blanket, "it hasn't disappeared from your face once tomnight!"
"I'm just happy, you know. It's the best when you just feel so much for someone."
"I know" she smiles "you want to dance around with all that energy that tickles in your toes and you're just waiting to explode because it makes you bubble so much. At least your inner fengshui seems to be in better order because you're not bothered by it that your bed is not straight"
"I know! I've been smiling like this the whole day! This is so crazy but I noticed it when people wouldn't come to sit next to me in a buss... it's better way to get yourself the two seats than play sleeping like I did before. I was absolutely the last one who got an oldish lady sitting next to me from the airport and she sat there looking for five minutes isn't there really any other place she could go!"
" OMG, (laughing), you just go to love Finland! When you smile public people are looking at you like you're crazy and just trying to avoid you the best they can because they think you're some mad crazy-girl."
"Well they got that one right, I kinda am..."
 |
| This is how you wait a bus in Finland |
Bella: thank you :), you really got the point in there... sometimes it's so much easier to talk like that. Specially if the writing is the primary way of communicating like I have.
Sam: That is the mystical cycle of sharing same mentality with someone. You just live with them even though they're not there. And I know... I shouldn't be so hard on myself when someone is hurting and I'm not there. There's the battles we need to face alone.
And these cultural thing are so interesting... I had no idea that you can be more open emotionally in Bahrain than in Finland. I mean if a girl storms out crying in here, it depends on the company what happens. If no one knows her too well, they'll do nothing. And actually even the possibility of that happening is minimal because people will stay calm, say they need to go to toilet or something and then they crash there silently when no one is watching.
Weekend-Windup: Thank you :), do you have a blog somewhere hidden? I couldn't see it from you profile of you do...
2 kommenttia:
I feel like you were writing about me when you said that the hardest part is letting people heal the parts you can't reach. I know that I personally am really afraid to be bone bare vulnerable with someone. That's terrifying. Someone told me that you have to take that risk sometimes because what you learn is worth more than the pain.
Those moments with friends where you both have some form of vulnerability is amazing and it's healing in itself, without words.
Maybe you could just find a movie or song that makes you sad and you could get the tears going? Sometimes I do that when I desperately need to let it out but can't give myself the excuse in reality, thinking I should be stronger. I hope the letter goes over well.
Cultural addition, women are expected to be the more emotional gender in America, but you really shouldn't make a scene and most people need to make a facade of strength. Pride. That's a big thing.
I love you dear. You have such a kind and loving heart. It's truly great o read that someone in the world is that way of their own volition and in fact, it's something they need to do. I hope you are able to let the tears come soon and are able to feel what you need to.
What a beautiful moment... to be that close to someone, physically and emotionally. I love that she sacrificed comfort to stay with you on the floor for the night.
I'm really enjoying the little cultural peculiarities that I'm learning on blogger. In Australia we all bundle up while waiting for the bus, but we have similar etiquette with seats. Except, if you're with a friend, you're expected to sit next to each other and leave the empty sets for others.
Take care love. I hope this week is kind to you <3 xx
Lähetä kommentti