Study high and wrap her open bit by bit, carefully not like the Christmas present

I'm getting the hang of studying again, that's good. I was already feeling little too anxious about it and it's not working when you should get something done. But now, finally I got in to the mode of doing things. It's so double ended because it's actually my fitness routine that caused half of the stress, I felt like I have no time to study even if I did. Technically but you know the feeling when you have two hours and then you need to run somewhere. There's no way anyone could concentrate. I got sources for one paper, all I need to do is to write it and then modify it.
 
It's also first time now when I feel like it would be so nice to have a own flat. Aya is not doing anything to make me annoyed, she never could, it's just that I need my own space. And I'm taking it by leaving in the morning and then coming back at night to sleep. Or I'm trying but I can't say it's working at the moment. I just keep wishing that she would go somewhere (so that I could go crazy - so it's good that she's there). I've been lost now for a week (almost two weeks) with my eating habits, carbs, too much of them. Too much of everything, not tracking them and everything is wrong. My mentality sucks, I try think it as the best I can as fuel but there's a phase going on again. It's always crazy times with me. I don't know the word balance or I tend to find it boring after a week or two. But I guess that's how it works, week, then two, then three and so on. At least I'm closer to the balance even though I say I go crazy. This is nothing compared to what it used to be.
   "Can I move somewhere far away?"
   "NO!"
   "Well, I just can't stay sane if I'm in here." 

***

   "Productive, I just refreshed my blog"
   "Where is that?"
   (OMG, I shouldn't have said that!) "I can give you the adress but think again. It's dark and there's a lot of darkish people there with a lot of problems and it's in English"
   "I wouldn't probably understand even a half of it... and I don't know if I could even read that harsh stuff... it always makes my life feel so easy" 
   (yea, I bet it does... and I'm not sure I even want you here lurking around, it's not that I would have something to hide, not at all. It's merely because I might hurt you with the things I say if you don't know how to take it) "Yea well, I like to read them... for me it's the chance to change things and help some really amazing people."

***

I sit in a buss and music is ringing in my ears. I write to Suna how these kind of days come when I won't eat. I managed to see her when I dropped the car and went to buy something to eat; yogurt (100) and she was terrified if I'm honestly planning to manage with that and that I hadn't eaten any proper food. I said to her I'm not worried, and she shouldn't be either. Explained that this really is normal, you can't expect to get cleared totally from this. 
   I wrote her a lot actually during that trip... she seems to be taking it ok, just doesn't really know what to say except sent those sad smiley faces to me. It's ok. But I hope that she realizes the same thing Shou-nu realized in the process when she was trying to assure me it's ok to eat and I wll die if I continue the way I did. She checked up on her own eating and let me tell you, she looks fabulous now. She never was fat but she sure did lose weight and she looks so much healthier that ever before. I'm proud of her and even if she hasn't said anything I want to believe based on some comments that she learned something more about herself through me. That's like an ultimate example of a person learning from mistakes other people made. That's what I'm trying pursue Suna to do because I never want to see her taking part in Finland's Biggest Loser because some unsolved issues. That's a sentence I can't say out loud to her but I'm thinking it, I'm seeing it every time we're having that conversation "can I have this, can I have that?" it's supposed to be harmless usage of time but it never is. 
 

 There it actually hit me. I've never seen any extreme emotions face to face from her. She uses them in written from but she doesn't express it. She doesn't even laugh too loud... I mean sure I believe there's really sophisticated people who control their emotions and don't have to highlight them too much but... she uses fucking panicking panda stamp! She has it in her but she's not showing it. She's not crying, laughing, shouting, screaming, making faces.... not anything. She's just smiling at me and swallowing the words she doesn't even know she wants to say. So hidden expressions, secretive eating to loneliness... they all scream my name even though she can't see it. I just hope that it makes it easier t put those things to words once she knows about me... I hope it's not coming across the way that she puts herself to that role where she usually is; listening everyone. She feels comfortable there and I let her be there for now but I need to start pushing it, bit by bit.  
   "you're quite hard headed!"
   "I have to be if I'm about to survive with myself."

Today has been quite ok day. In every way. Last week and everything in between now was something I want to forget. I bought bad headphones, I got banned for three weeks at university fitness because I forgot to cancel my reservation on last Saturday, I didn't receive a mail from city library that my books have been out dated and now I got my card banned, I had the same thing with the uni library last week, then I got parking ticket for no real reason... and I didn't get the salary from the job I did putting those stamps on hot chocolate bags (I guess it's because I marked it too late)... no wonder I want to disappear because the whole grand design is against me. I got no money to waste so all that is making me so fucking annoyed. And when I said to dad that my money situation is screwed, no empathy. I hate it when you say "bad" and he has to say "worse". Like ok, drink your beers, I'm not asking anything from you. Excuse me for having thought that daughter is part of family and belongs to that "you don't leave your own" league... but maybe the problem is that I'm not drinking my money and I'm actually trying to manage on my own. Makes me just wanting to go pole dancing even harder to earn something and I'm actually thinking it more seriously than ever.

Have a good day ladies, thank you for the comments my lovelies. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who worries over her friends and reads their minds just little bit too much. Thank you Eve (I love it how you always have something so mindful and deep to say) ans Sam I wouldn't trade you even for 5 million camels, I love your ability to make me smile. Body really is a smart ass hole for sure... can I come with you and run away with that fairy?
   Emily welcome here, and all other newbies who haven't dared to say anything yet.