Fake Monday

Thank you for people who reminded me of NaNoWriMo... past five years I've always remembered it when it's half way through... but this time I finally can kick in too. That's the thing I did on real Monday and I also did one essay out of the way - and managed little bit my e-mail pile...

The pink cloud surrounding Suna is still there. I've never slept next to anyone like that... new positive experience and I'm confused; how did she get that close? She's thinking the same thing, just yesterday she said to me that she's the person who doesn't hug people... are you kidding me? After the way she squeezed me against her chest I find it hard to believe. Then the normal questions; why didn't we talk on weekend? Why do we have to start now when the physical distance makes it impossible to be there for the other one...
   "I guess it's easier this way... when you can't see the other"
   "And if you were telling me these things face to face I would be crying so bad that I couldn't stop..." she asked and I told her some of the little not so beautiful moments of my life in detail that I had avoided before.
   "I don't know what to say... these things give me chills. What horrible things have you done to yourself!"
   "Let's put it this way, if someone invents a form of self harm I haven't tried in some level, I will give that person an award for creativity."
   I just wish that she would tell me soon the things she wants to say. Just now she admitted that she has tried to take the opportunity but she just can't get it out. She's confused how I just came there, right next to her and she just started talking about the things she normally wouldn't. It happens. Usually to me but rarely I get close to people like that by myself. But when it comes to me, I just feel like I'm talking, talking and talking... or rather make that writing. I went to details on the other night and with the thing I've done to myself in the past and she got cold chills running down her spine. But I left out that if she continues like that, it's the way she's heading. The emptiness and hatred, bitterness to the life and I would die if she ever turned out to be that old granny whose lips are pressed so tight together that they make 50% more age lines on her face. That can never happen.

Then there's Yuki... something has changed. I don't know what but somehow things are not the same anymore as they used to. Last night we went for a walk and I felt like I got driven over a truck because she was talking so much... and she didn't listen. I felt like she didn't listen to me at all and I couldn't say anything. It has been the same thing all the time since I came back from Asia. We need to go through cycle where she talks the first hour in detail what she has been doing and then I can't say anything because I just don't want to babble about Suna to her for some reason. And that lady is all in my life now. Or almost all... I guess I think of her for the 90% of the time I'm awake. But with Yuki something is stopping me... I need to figure out this invisible wall - again. It was the same thing as in China, I felt like I didn't know what to tell her. And now it just bugs me that she's making me listen a hour for her analyze about the relationship with her boyfriend and how she has grown as a person. I'm not asking that. I'm not asking any of that. Can I just have my friend back as she used to be? Or at least to the point where she would listen to me for a half of a minute, give me time to say something in between and tell her what's really up with me. I don't know what she wants from me and that makes me confused.

What about food? I've started to avoid that subject... I've stopped counting. It's good I think but I don't feel relieved about it at all. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and that I'n not doing it properly. That I lack exercise (which is kinda true because I haven't done that 10 hours a week I would love to do) and that shows on my plate. I avoid anything solid; I eat soup, salad, porridge or sandwiches... but other than that, I want to panic and run far away. Weekend I had pizza that me and Suna made and candy... sweets are the only solid thing I'm eating but I decided to stop eating them again. 30 day sweet tooth challenge: 1/30 down already.
   I should get ready for dishes... I'm doing them in one of the uni's biggest cantin and I just noticed yesterday that my favorite coffee shop looks for a new worker. I think I will apply, because I just feel it in my gut that it's my place. I basically live there already and know the people. I mean there's nothing wrong with the dishes, I do kinda like it but when I think doing it for the whole spring... that's when it gets to me that maybe not. And I know this is kinda stupid but I always have wanted to learn how to use a coffee machine... and I have a dream to have an own coffee shop one day. That would be so cool.

(Only one night and then I'm next to Suna again, the one thing I love about fake Mondays is that Friday comes more quickly)