The week reflecting on my sweat drops

My week really has disappeared, it's feels like I sweated it away... It's Saturday morning, by far I've been exercising 11 hours this week and yesterday I did nothing but drove to my mom's. And because I don't have a scale I just weighed in and I've lost 4,5 lbs this week... eating around 1200-1500 calories trying to hit the share like 40-50% carbs, 30-40% protein and 20% fat. I still got 35-40 lbs to lose to get where I want to be (which is at 135-130) or if the situation starts to look like that I could be happy also with 140.

What makes this now different from everything I've done before? I've learned from my mistakes... I'm actually hitting those 1200 calories and more when I can't weigh in everyday which automatically eliminates the strange will to lose those 4 lbs in one day and not to eat.
So looking at the list of errors: scale

The second thing is the change... even after this week I'm seeing the difference and feeling the difference. I have such things as muscles and they want to show themselves - and two days ago I really noticed that my tummy wasn't sticking out anymore that bad. I used to be afraid and exited in the past about that - but the little more afraid because I knew I would lose it because I had gotten it by starving and my body would just go crazy if it got normal amount of food and it's even more scary thought. So I undid the change every time because I wasn't ready to answer for a question "how did you do it?"
Error list: not being able to trust that I'm doing it right.

Another huge thing is that I'm not living alone anymore. I got Aya which means I have constant support and just the presense of another person can change it all. I gives the touch for reality in a different way and it's so much easier to resist the crazy thoughts that make binging seem as a good idea. Also if there's something bothering me, she'll tell me to go out to jog. And she will worry... just yesterday she asked me if I'm planning to have any recovery day this week. I got also Yuki who has paid the exercise card for the uni and is now suddenly kicking it... and that girl has lost some serious amount of weight by changing her diet. It's just good and I'm not worried because she's too sane to play with her food but now she feels it and sees it and during this year that I was away she has taken huge leaps with her thought about herself and how she should love and appreciate herself.
Error list: Lack of support

Then there's also this thing between knowing and believing. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've always known that I should eat differently and that there no reason to be afraid of that as a sign of my past paranoias raising up again when I walk past a hamburger place and the smell makes me feel sick. I used to get afraid of that and as a result I would go in to test if I panic or feel bad after eating it... like O.o. hello! Anybody home in that head full of nothing. I was so afraid of the misery that I drove myself straight back to it. This is also related to having the strength to say "no, thank you". I could really do that a while back because I was afraid that it would meant me saying "yes" to my ed. I knew that I couldn't possibly be eating cheese cake just because everyone else did, having the baked good just because my granny had baked it which she does often or eating when I'm not actually hungry just the sake of "being able to eat". But I couldn't trust or believe in my body or the signals it sent me... I knew I should but I couldn't and that's how I got from a thin person to other end of that scale and hit my max while in China. The hideous 189.8 lbs/86,173 kg/ 13st 5,64 lbs. And living the summer like I did; here there, everywhere without really having a possibility to watch closely what I put in my mouth and having no scale around I managed to lose 8,8 lbs - and now that 4 and little over in a week.
Error list: not believing and trusting to what I was doing (and needing to hide it)

And last the most important error I can think just now. Before I was doing this "to look good at day x", "to get that person say something..." See the problem? None of my striving motivations didn't say "I do this because I'm worth it, I deserve it and it's the best thing I can do to respect and love myself" - no I'm meaning to live healthy. This time I'm doing it for me and the only person I'm competing with is me.
Error list: not doing it for myself but for someone or because of something

Current weight: 178,35 lbs.
Mentality: somewhat more clear than before
Issues: Something unsolved but working on those... like something that Michelle said during the Biggest loser season six (that girl was so much in mental pain because of her mom in which I can relate); both she and her mom are totally different persons than few years ago when they stopped talking and she doesn't any bleeding apologies anymore. I got it... that's what forgiving actually means. And I'm afraid to let go of this hatred because in somewhere back of my mind I still think that not speaking with my mom about things or just forgetting what she put me through, I would somehow get hurt again and I would hurt her. Hatred and anger doesn't protect anyone. It turns people bitter. Do I want to be that bitter granny walking on the street with wooden stick and kicking the younger ones? No. I want to be that granny who kicks the football on that granny's butt with teenagers and runs over the fence to escape from the crime scene.

This is again the insides that I've been struggling to reach for the past few days. But it's there now and I'm on the same page with myself again which feel better than anything else. Have a happy weekend my lovelies! Kick some ass!

Eve - I'm the kind of "all or nothing" person, so every time I get my life in a place where I can have some kind of a routine, I start counting more precisely and looking more carefully what I put in my mouth. Every time I look forward to it and every time I wait for the day when I could keep it with me even when I'm not having such normal routine.

Sam - To come to think of it, I never hear anyone saying "I ate apples" either. What's with that? Are we all bogotifying poor apples (or have just been watching too much Snow White?) :D Thanks girl, you make me smile like always.