"I just thought not to care today..."
"Well, honey... it's not good for you in the long run even if you ran a marathon everyday."
"I know!"
"But then again it's totally two different things to know something and act upon the knowledge"
"Yep."
"I've got too much carbs in my diet... it was better than yesterday but not good enough."
"I'm too not interested to look too closely what I put in my mouth... sometimes eating makes me so anxious..."
On my side of the computer I sight, again we're talking about food. Again I feel it in my guts that there's something going on with Suna. Not pure eating issues but something about the way she sees and values herself or related to the self image. When I was sitting with her on the sofa, she was lying there on her back and legs pulled up, I leaned against her legs. There while talking I got the feeling many times that she wants to say something but she doesn't know what to say or how to say it. I had the kind of same situation, I didn't know how to start but I know that we're going to have long conversations about food in the near future.
"It so unfair, that in some people it doesn't show at all if they eat treats. I'm this kind of and it shows in me!"
"Well, life for sure is not fair but I don't believe that those kind of people exist. It's all about how often they eat treats and what is the treat... for majority it's something with high sugar swimming with fat and for others it yogurt."
"Let's change the subject!"
"Good idea, I have no motivation or time to sink in my own problems right now" (and secretly I'm saying that I don't want to talk about this with you via fb because I need to see what's going on with your face before I start challenging your head). The whole night I have this feeling in my guts that the sooner I get to talk with Suna and tell her my story the better it's for her. I hope she will catch something and she'll need to know that she has to work on those things and face what she's running from... and that she can't do it alone. But I bet she has to hit her head on the wall many times before she actually gets that. In the end I just want to say to her that work what you need to work on and know that I'm right here if you need me. At any time of the day or night, just a phone call away. If you don't want to, I don't need to know any details but thing I want to know is that you're handling it and how you're doing.
"How is your knitting coming?" I ask to grant her wish and couple times I say that I'm proud of her because I got the feeling that she needed it and that's what she wanted in the first place when she pulled the cookies she had on the sofa in the conversation. When I said good night she said ("haven't touched the cookies"), this has become a habit. Me trying to distract her from the night munches... because she has gained since I first saw her in the class. Not much but she has and it's all because she lives alone now and she's running from something by night snacking. Why it can't be that simple that you could just shake people and they would stop it? Because the more I think about this, the more it twists my tummy, Suna has become such a huge part of my life. When something happens, she's the one I message first. She's the one I ask "how was your day?"... in a way it's weird to live my week through fb with her when we got 250 km between us but that's what we do.
As from my job it wasn't protein powder yesterday. It turned out to be Nesquick hot chocolate... we put the nutritional info stickers on the yellow packages and I felt so bad to hide the bunnies. For eight hours doing that, lemme tell ya... I still see little rabbits running everywhere and attacking me. Best part was that Aya was there with me. We both had a job interview on Monday and yesterday we already got the first temp job. It got pretty restless in the evening because all of the rabbits but however we managed to go to bed quite early. But even after that I got my ass up and went to the dance class. Then I got in that conversation with Suna... and I had been thinking the whole day the conversation we had the day before where she was saying how she has noticed that she has become really critical towards herself and she questions a lot of things she does. Also that she thinks too much what others think... I had thought how I would tell her that she's a wonderful woman. She's not stupid, how could the lady with two degrees be stupid?? And she's really skillful with her hands, she makes me smile and she's so damn beautiful, she has taste with style... I wish she could see herself as I see her. Which, excuse me my language, is totally and in every way fuckable. Like you know, the day dream type when you're just passing gorgeous lady and you wish you could take her to the little toilet with you and then later see dreams about that pleasure. She's fucking gorgeous and I hate when amazing people put themselves down and it makes me always worried. Makes me want to take those damn bunnies on yellow packages and train them to kill all those doubts... actually that's a good idea; an army of hot chocolate bunnies with sharp teeth and they'll bark like small dogs with too big ego when they go hunt the negative thoughts for me.
And hey, thanks for every comment. I'm speechless right now and unable to communicate constructively but I've red them through like zillion times. Making my day still after a week. You guys are amazing and the strongest people I've ever known! <3 and="" eve="" i="" katie="" sam="" stillimagining="">
"Well, honey... it's not good for you in the long run even if you ran a marathon everyday."
"I know!"
"But then again it's totally two different things to know something and act upon the knowledge"
"Yep."
"I've got too much carbs in my diet... it was better than yesterday but not good enough."
"I'm too not interested to look too closely what I put in my mouth... sometimes eating makes me so anxious..."
"It so unfair, that in some people it doesn't show at all if they eat treats. I'm this kind of and it shows in me!"
"Well, life for sure is not fair but I don't believe that those kind of people exist. It's all about how often they eat treats and what is the treat... for majority it's something with high sugar swimming with fat and for others it yogurt."
"Let's change the subject!"
"Good idea, I have no motivation or time to sink in my own problems right now" (and secretly I'm saying that I don't want to talk about this with you via fb because I need to see what's going on with your face before I start challenging your head). The whole night I have this feeling in my guts that the sooner I get to talk with Suna and tell her my story the better it's for her. I hope she will catch something and she'll need to know that she has to work on those things and face what she's running from... and that she can't do it alone. But I bet she has to hit her head on the wall many times before she actually gets that. In the end I just want to say to her that work what you need to work on and know that I'm right here if you need me. At any time of the day or night, just a phone call away. If you don't want to, I don't need to know any details but thing I want to know is that you're handling it and how you're doing.
 |
| It doesn't matter how beautiful the setting is, only it matters who you're sharing it with. |
"How is your knitting coming?" I ask to grant her wish and couple times I say that I'm proud of her because I got the feeling that she needed it and that's what she wanted in the first place when she pulled the cookies she had on the sofa in the conversation. When I said good night she said ("haven't touched the cookies"), this has become a habit. Me trying to distract her from the night munches... because she has gained since I first saw her in the class. Not much but she has and it's all because she lives alone now and she's running from something by night snacking. Why it can't be that simple that you could just shake people and they would stop it? Because the more I think about this, the more it twists my tummy, Suna has become such a huge part of my life. When something happens, she's the one I message first. She's the one I ask "how was your day?"... in a way it's weird to live my week through fb with her when we got 250 km between us but that's what we do.
And hey, thanks for every comment. I'm speechless right now and unable to communicate constructively but I've red them through like zillion times. Making my day still after a week. You guys are amazing and the strongest people I've ever known! <3 and="" eve="" i="" katie="" sam="" stillimagining="">
1 kommentti:
It distresses me a lot when I notice friends that have a tendency towards EDs. Some of them I know don't quite have the emotional and mental propensity for it but others I know that it is honestly a concern so I tell them my story and I spare no gory details about the absolute hell it puts you in. Some of them have seen me having an anxiety attack and that alone shows them that maybe it isn't a good idea. I see them all with so many talents and interests so it hurts me when they will put themselves done as well. All you can do is love, and if I had you as a friend (in real life :P) I think I would feel like someone could help me with a solution.
You're a fantastic person and I hope you're doing alright with food and your body. You're also beautiful and I enjoy just feeling the depth of heart you have when I read your posts.
Don't forget that I love you.
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