I don't know.I just don't...
Eat too little, sleep too little, train insane and still say that it's not enough? That I should do more. It's all
because my dad visited me. For the first time now, and yesterday I felt somewhat normal, like I was supposed to feel. It's quite shocking actually what a presence of one of my parents did to me; I was shutting down emotionally big time. M is constantly worried, she trusts that I can handle it but she shakes her head every time I tell her something. She knows I have to feel this through but she wishes that wouldn't have to. I'm ok, despite all that hate, anger, pain and negativity I've been through for last days... I'm ok, it doesn't hurt that much anymore. But still I have no better way to cope yet that this fucking eating disorder. I hate it at the moment how I need to stop eating to cope with these too overwhelming emotions which won't just be and then go. Why do they have to stick, and why do I need to go through all my lifetime with these once it starts. That's a lot of agony to go through... and why does it always happen when I really don't have time for it. Like now just on the edge of midterms. I can take off that one night and go to cry in swimming pool, but I can't do it all the time. I mean, I feel it all the time, that won't change and I try to accept those feelings but I can't give myself to them all the time and go to that extent which takes me collapsing on the floor because of the pain. I cannot do that, it's not even healthy to do that all the time. I still need to hang on to my life and the amazing things I have here to keep me energetic.
But that's the thing. I'm paralyzed and this is the only way I know I can get myself to function again... to be a normal person. This is a structure that helps me climb the stairs back up from that dwell bottom. Anyway, it's becoming easier and easier not to stop halfway and hang on to not eating. So there's hope. There really is hope... it has been a week and I'm inspired to check my diet, not in the practical level yet but interest is a good start.
I'm hanging on to that old tree and walking up and down rainbow stairs.
2 kommenttia:
It never ceases to amaze me even after all these years, how our emotions are bound so tightly with how we eat. I was looking through my weight log the other day and the entire period that I had lived with my mother I had been eating and gaining non-stop... and ever since she left, I had eaten less and gotten smaller. You never really notice what's happening while you're in it.
It really is terrible feeling so out of control. It's bad enough you feel so many awful emotions, but having your body feel that way just adds more salt to the wound. I'm glad you're sticking with a healthy range of calories though. Maintaining that balance is important, and hopefully it reflects in how you feel. <3
awwwwwww love
i'm actually sad reading this it's true we're just...it's never enough, is it?
but you can make it enough
and it's always enough
babe, i get what you mean. you'll just do it when you're up to it. i think...forcing yourself to have a 1 200 - 1 600 calorie intake is just as bad as forcing yourself to eat less. you'll do it when it's time. it's just the way it is, love. and i get that. i'm just unhappy to see you struggling so much :(
just don't lose hope, because hope is one of the most beautiful things. <3
-Sam Lupin
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