Double end

I've been writing drafts a lot during these days but no time to publish... and one that I tried, it got cut to half due to connection problems and I lost the end of the message. But I try again now.

Yesterday at the gym my friend walked at me
how are you?
I looked at her desperately saying Honestly I don't know.
Yea, me neither.
We're both instructors so it's ok to say it that we're not in a mood for a class. I came there to cheer her up, she came there to work secretly hoping that there would be no customers because there hasn't been that many people and it's really hard to lift up the mood when there's not that many people. But there was people, so I pulled myself together and channeled my feelings for dance. Inspired by this song... and my friend (who hasn't known me too long yet) looked at me like what's happening here and is this the same girl. Seriously you should have seen her face.

But in general I can say I'm doing fine. I got my intake back to healthy numbers and currently I'm not counting at all but that's the phase number x where I aim now. Just to really listen to my body and put in what it needs and focus on clean things like I am at the moment. I just want to balance it even better.
   Now I'm also finally back in Finnish social benefit system, so that's in order and today I have job interview that determines whether I go back to the same island where I've been working two last summers. I mean sure there's the mean boss but she's staying on the other island and my former colleague is new supervisor so I know she won't kick anyone's ass mean. But I'm kinda worried that can she handle it because the mean boss is now her boss and she's scared of that crazy woman. And that's the very reason I'm not in her position now, she knows I won't bow her and I will do just as I please and think is the right way to do. I really would like to go back because I miss that place like crazy... but I can always visit there. So it's not end of story and my family number two is not going to disappear anywhere, they're there so one more reason to go for a visit.
   Nam is still annoying me and I'm really getting frustrated. It's like when ever she analyses something - I mean expresses her opinion and there no any other solutions to that - she demands everyone around her to act like she does and it annoys the shit out of her that I'm not. She can't admit that it annoys her because she needs me, if I weren't here, she would be so in trouble and having hard time. She wouldn't even pass the school here if I didn't explain things to her (she blames her bad English). And just few days ago I shocked her deeply. She wants to be school counselor when she graduates in May... and let me tell you, I left all the nasty details out and told her why I never got into treatment, she was terrified. I told about things she's about to face and she was so shocked that she forgot to order bill for her food. She's not up for that job, it's going to kill her but there's no use to tell that to her. I mean when I talked her about how party drugs affect on most of the people, she was looking at me her eyes wide open again and asking "how do you know? Have you..." No. I just talk with people. But really here's a person whose worst experience is sudden panic attach that happened once and a problematic break up with her boyfriend year ago. Now they're back together... and with her studies (one course psychology) she's not the right person for the job like that.

I'll try to post more and do less drafts. I have kinda dual feeling at the moment, I'm ok but at the same time I'm really blocked. That's why this is such a lame post that tells nothing else but I'm alive.