The Pool of Tears

I was crying in the pool last night. Really shaking, getting a headache because the tears wouldn't come. I was so relieved that my dad is gone, mad about how his visit made me feel and numb myself, mad about how he has been drinking all these years for the same reason as I've had ed, mad because he was the adult who could have changed it and he didn't.

I was crying because of the talk I had with M. She said the damn thing I've been thinking that I over exadurate and just trying to avoid to place at myself. Child abuse, my mom was a kind and loving person, she just has a problem with her emotions... I wasn't touched physically, so no, there's no way this could be called child abuse. I'm not a victim, I'm just too sensitive. I was crying over the things she did to me. Finally admitting that she did something wrong and I was hurt because of it. I was in the water up to my neck, pressed myself under the water screaming there "why didn't she just hit me!"
   Cross-roads. This is killing me. Because my mom really is a lovely person, if you saw her, you wouldn't never know. How can such a nice thing say such things? Screw my head so totally and make me so defenseless?

I was crying because of the midterms, I haven't been reading and I'm scared that I failed. I was so emotionally and mentally locked during my social psychology exam that I had to fight for every word, every single word to fill that white paper. To make it look like I knew, and I know I did knew, it's just that it was all locked inside my head and if I tried to touch it, I would start crying.

I was crying because I've failed myself. I've stopped exercising because of the exams and my dad's visit. My dad's visit made me feel extremely guilty because I had to read for the exams and we had nothing to talk about so I just ate with him and my stepmom once a day and it was all staring at the food contest. No one saying a word unless it was about some topic I have nothing to say to. Like my godfather's wife who has always been extremely nice to me, so I don't want to say anything bad - I hate how my father judges instead of trying to understand. But really I know she acts crappy in general but I have nothing say about that... actually she acts a lot like my mom and my dad is wondering why does my godfather tolerate that kind of behavior - well, why did you dad? Why are you now so eagerly trying to "save" her housekeeper by getting angaged five years ago and still not taking her to Finland for good. So dad, to me it looks like you're not changing at all, you're just as accepting and as powerless to change as ever even though the people around you suffer, the people you claim to love. I just withdrawn so far that there's no use telling me that L-word anymore. I went away and you got a new puppet to "save". My mom made a good job making me believe that you were stupid, idiot dad... now I start to think that maybe she was right.

I also failed myself because I stopped watching what I put in my body, I stopped thinking, I stopped feeling - I just reflected it all to food and ate junk. After two hours I stood up, not firmly... I picked up my towel from the ground and clunched it. Hugging it, taking weak steps one at the time away from that pool. Stepping the stairs first down with left leg, then the right one following to the same step. Like a broken doll, little broken thing that is trying to crawl to bed... I tried to pull myself together because others were home, I was happy that it was dark because they could see my red eyes.

How naive was I thinking that if I was far away long enough not seeing my parents I would miss them? And how much can I hate that competition they have going on. My dad asking all the time if mom has called and my mom telling me all the time what dad has said about the last phone call (usually mocking how he tells that I'm homesick even though I have no idea where did he get that, I assume he just wishes). Pain. A lot of pain. But at least the emptiness is gone. I feel... and there's a lot to cry about.