Looking for the label

Pack me up and wrap me in paper.
Stop my emotion flow and let me float away with my morning coffee. 

Today I just woke up at six and went to the pool to exercise. It was mechanic, I had had a dream about my cousin telling me that she's finally going to treatment and getting help for her eating disorder. I really wish it was real, last time I saw her, I honestly got horrified. She's so thin, or actually not thin... skeleton. The same clothes she used to wear five years ago are so baggy on her now and even during the summer heat she's wearing a woolen jumper and sitting under a blanket. I really don't know how people deny it and play that it doesn't exist. She's over 30 and she's entrepreneur and after graduation she moved back to her parents (feels stuck) and she's paying their loan for the house. And still people around me mock her, tell that she's nothing and build up the pressure to me not become like her and at the same time they beg me to be like her because she's intelligent. So am I but she's like a big sister to me - distant big sister but still big sister. But that's the family we got; they're denying everything "close your eyes and it doesn't exist in your world".

I'm still hurting bad but not as overwhelmingly like the night at the pool. I've been writing a lot about things - those so famous letters to no one. I'm struggling with the reality, I exist some other dimension and the reality with all the things I should be doing is just in my head. This thing could be almost called behavioral self-handicapping because I do it often when there's something important to take care of; I blunder in a deep dream, don't believe that I can do it and let the fear take best of me. It's almost like bibolardisorder that I activate just to stand in my own way and get depression mode every time I should actually do things I've promised to do while my hyperactive mode is on - what did I do now? I haven't called the place I'm supposed to try to arrange a charity event, I haven't been making up choreos... and it's all because somehow the sight of my dad made me believe that I cannot do it. I also passed many deadlines for job applications and it looks like I'm not going to get internship place for this year because the ones I applied in didn't want me. So now it looks like the same island, the same lousy job and living in my friend's apartment. I feel stuck. Like my life is not moving, I'm not doing enough and I'm under performing.
   Here I sit and really feel that way and at the same time my intercultural teacher wanted to upload my exam as an example for others because according to her it was so outstanding. But the thing is that it just irritates me and I cannot really take as much credit as I should because first the level of this teacher's English is awful. Most of the time I have no idea what she's talking about just because I cannot understand her and when I do and comment something, she may understand the words (sometimes) but she doesn't understand what I say no matter how I explain it. Also you can get points from her really easy, just critique everything... I don't believe that she has red any of those papers. She just wants to please me because I comment something stupid but act really annoyingly in the classes like "I don't fucking care" and she actually stole my idea for the exam. I was thinking about writing a paper about analyzing news from the point of view of this course and comparing Asian and Western ways to report it; our exam question demanded that we analyzed current situation or news with Asiacentric concept. But I changed my topic... and I can tell she's nervous around me and I'm not intimidating person in any way so I just really get the feeling that she wants to please me. Thai-style... I really don't like the situation when a teacher is bowing me and acting like I know more or something.  So that doesn't really feel like a trophy that I should be proud of. I feel like she wants me to do her job.

So what now. After putting crap in to my system really fluently few days, I turned it around yesterday. I had yogurt with fruits and granola, one at 11am and second one 9pm. 540 calories. 1 day done out of seven like this... and I should increase exercise. I'm also going to add oatmeal to the menu... Basically I'll eat yogurt, fruits, vegetables, oatmeal, nuts and chicken/seafood. I should favor pawns because of the protein and taste. Basically if I go out, I'll have papaya salad or padthai or vegetables; and if I go to eat Japanese, then noodle soup (because they're usually cheaper than anything else). So my goal is to keep it around 500 (+-150) calories for 7 days.

“I knew very well that I was not giving it up. I was hanging on, as so many of us do, to some small part of it, to a part so small it seems a mere token, nothing dangerous, a talisman of sickness, kept in the pocket, rubbed between finger and thumb. I told myself it would be alright, just hanging on to this little bit. And I knew, in the back of my mind, that it would not.”

—	Marya Hornbacher (Wasted)

But it reduces the pain and makes me able to function. Bad explanation, I know.

Eve - Thanks girl so much. I know breaking down is good sometimes... I wish I could do it more often. <3 i="" nbsp="">

Fei -  "Everything's empty, and yet you know there is something restless in your heart that wants to get out" that is so damn good way to explain it. And the thing that makes this period even more horrible is that it won't come out even if I would let it - or when it does, it's like that. One night, few hours and that's it, but it's not going to cut it, it's not enough to make these years pass and take the pain away. 

And no I don't hate my mom, I'm just mad at her how she denied everything and screwed my brain. But situation always needs two or more, it's not her fault and I don't hate her. I just wish that some day she could take that responsibility and say she's sorry. That would be enough but I doubt that I'll never hear it. 
Thank you girl.