I'm having fiesta... my dad came. That makes me go like shit, could you just please drop of my things and go? Yea, I haven't seen him since September but I haven't been missing him at all either, nor my mom. And now I got candy and my day is officially been bloated. Don't mind, I can fix it tomorrow.
I got also back my social psychology homework... the teacher M hadn't comment anything but said only that she wants to talk to me. Great. Now I got one more person worried about my eating disorder; and yaips she is a social psychologist. But either way I think she liked my analyse because she gave me 10 - an A in other words which means that it was good because she does give zeros too. It means a lot and I have a row of tens from her. I also know that it annoys some people, specially one boy CC because he's older than anyone and he tries so hard to be M's favorite student. I mean he really tries and I see very clearly how M is pushing that button making CC fool himself even more. M hates his attitude because it's so self-centered and self promoting, he seriously thinks that he is the best and he enjoys the attention thai girls are giving him. They're so innocent and fooled by his questions about things that won't even relate to subject in anyway; M tells him often that "after class CC".
Before today I was doing really good, I've dropped 1 lb lower than I was last time and in between I gained 4 back, so I cut them out and also one more in just 4 days. Not bad. And I'm going to fix this bad day today because I just figured out something in a new way that prevented a really bad day binge yesterday ^^. I was reading my social psychology book and got caught by the term counterfactual thinking. I didn't really give it much of a thought at that point, just red it because midterms are coming closer. But later when I had that low bloodsugar bubble and I was anxiously wandering around the shopping center feeling the two ends tearing me apart again and I would have to work a compromise between eat nothing, leave in panic knowing that you have to eat at some point or giving in with some kind of compromise and ending up with the solution that would make me guilty anyway.
I have been doing this counterfactual thinking a lot. It's when you thind "what if..." analyze the situation and try to think different out comes. So it helps you to deal with the present because something you experienced negative happened. Definitely I experience these bad days as negative because it's failing my eating disorder when I force myself to eat in a fear that of that day that I couldn't eat. That's the dream for many but it feels so horrible when your body is actually resisting. And I feel like I've failed my recovery because usually the compromise reflects my self-image in that moment (needles to say that it's worse than normally), so I put it on food and eat junk because simply; I feel like I am junk so I should also eat junk. That is another opposite of being healthy what is my main promotion at the moment.
But did you guys know that when we're trying to hide the emotions we don't want to feel we actually act in two stages. First action occurs when we feel that it's coming. That's the anxiousness and first emerging feelings that guides us to do something else and forget about the thing we don't want to think about. At that point we rarely know what is it and to me a lot sounds like we're stuck in this stage. We're constantly trying not to feel something that is coming, we don't know exactly what that is but we just know it's sealed there and we don't want to feel it. Some days we can actually say it, we can make it appear like we're dealing with it by talking about it but we really won't. We won't say "this makes me feel..." or when we do we say something that is suitable and how we should feel in that situation or what thoughts are really occurring when we feel this coming.
Like I said my dad was coming. I knew that it's the thing trying to come to me. I was able to say neutrally that nice to have rest of my stuff here and that I didn't feel anything particular about this. That's how it seemed because the anxiousness didn't seem to relate to this, it was a block inside of me that I usually blame on my disorder (because that's the way it makes me feel) or external factors like stress (but now these exams won't really matter and my projects are doing good). So I never go deep enough to see what I actually think. Sounds easy but for real, it's fucking hard to think what you think before you're actually thinking it.
But I managed to do it. I also had the day at the gym and after analyzing hindsightedly too many of these days I knew I wanter the junk because I felt like junk. And furthermore I was going to the gym so I needed something better to fuel me that this junk. It should be also something familiar - western food- something light enough because I knew from the experience also that if I feel full after, I would loose it because it feel like failure. So I went to eat pumpkin soup and wrote out the fact kind of things that I felt about my dad coming. Basically I was worried that I wouldn't please him... which I feel like I won't. Specially with my physical aperiance.
But after doing that, I felt fine. Sure I wanted to purge the soup, run out in panic and not touch it even though it was really tasty. But then I just put the spoon down and swapped to a pen. I wrote, wrote and wrote... and then I ate the soup again. And in the end I actually felt good; I was in control, I didn't loose it, I didn't do bad compromise and I made it all with my own power. This is why I actually like doing recovery this way, on my own, letting things happen at their own time and taking those steps when I feel like I'm ready and when I figure it out. It gives me so much more value over those things because I made it happen, not because someone told me I'm ready and this is how you need to do it. I never listen that. And it would be just endless fight against that person when I try to deny that she might be right even though it's totally opposite how I feel.
****
Morning update; dad called and I'm already totally annoyed. We're going to the beach and I just want to say go without me and leave. It makes it so much easier for me. But I won't say it... I just go along and focus on something else.
One thing I really would like to do is go to talk with M and see what she wants to say to me. But I'm not mentally ready for that at the moment, I need to work that out some other way in the future. I was thinking that on Monday I could just go to see her and say to my dad that I'm busy with school which is actually true.
I have been doing this counterfactual thinking a lot. It's when you thind "what if..." analyze the situation and try to think different out comes. So it helps you to deal with the present because something you experienced negative happened. Definitely I experience these bad days as negative because it's failing my eating disorder when I force myself to eat in a fear that of that day that I couldn't eat. That's the dream for many but it feels so horrible when your body is actually resisting. And I feel like I've failed my recovery because usually the compromise reflects my self-image in that moment (needles to say that it's worse than normally), so I put it on food and eat junk because simply; I feel like I am junk so I should also eat junk. That is another opposite of being healthy what is my main promotion at the moment.
But did you guys know that when we're trying to hide the emotions we don't want to feel we actually act in two stages. First action occurs when we feel that it's coming. That's the anxiousness and first emerging feelings that guides us to do something else and forget about the thing we don't want to think about. At that point we rarely know what is it and to me a lot sounds like we're stuck in this stage. We're constantly trying not to feel something that is coming, we don't know exactly what that is but we just know it's sealed there and we don't want to feel it. Some days we can actually say it, we can make it appear like we're dealing with it by talking about it but we really won't. We won't say "this makes me feel..." or when we do we say something that is suitable and how we should feel in that situation or what thoughts are really occurring when we feel this coming.
Like I said my dad was coming. I knew that it's the thing trying to come to me. I was able to say neutrally that nice to have rest of my stuff here and that I didn't feel anything particular about this. That's how it seemed because the anxiousness didn't seem to relate to this, it was a block inside of me that I usually blame on my disorder (because that's the way it makes me feel) or external factors like stress (but now these exams won't really matter and my projects are doing good). So I never go deep enough to see what I actually think. Sounds easy but for real, it's fucking hard to think what you think before you're actually thinking it.
But I managed to do it. I also had the day at the gym and after analyzing hindsightedly too many of these days I knew I wanter the junk because I felt like junk. And furthermore I was going to the gym so I needed something better to fuel me that this junk. It should be also something familiar - western food- something light enough because I knew from the experience also that if I feel full after, I would loose it because it feel like failure. So I went to eat pumpkin soup and wrote out the fact kind of things that I felt about my dad coming. Basically I was worried that I wouldn't please him... which I feel like I won't. Specially with my physical aperiance.
But after doing that, I felt fine. Sure I wanted to purge the soup, run out in panic and not touch it even though it was really tasty. But then I just put the spoon down and swapped to a pen. I wrote, wrote and wrote... and then I ate the soup again. And in the end I actually felt good; I was in control, I didn't loose it, I didn't do bad compromise and I made it all with my own power. This is why I actually like doing recovery this way, on my own, letting things happen at their own time and taking those steps when I feel like I'm ready and when I figure it out. It gives me so much more value over those things because I made it happen, not because someone told me I'm ready and this is how you need to do it. I never listen that. And it would be just endless fight against that person when I try to deny that she might be right even though it's totally opposite how I feel.
****
Morning update; dad called and I'm already totally annoyed. We're going to the beach and I just want to say go without me and leave. It makes it so much easier for me. But I won't say it... I just go along and focus on something else.
One thing I really would like to do is go to talk with M and see what she wants to say to me. But I'm not mentally ready for that at the moment, I need to work that out some other way in the future. I was thinking that on Monday I could just go to see her and say to my dad that I'm busy with school which is actually true.
1 kommentti:
Are you a psych major too? I didn't mind when you said you're in recovery. Just from this post you think kinda similar to me and I really like. Thoughts flowing to another.
Yes, fearing what isn't happening yet. That's a hallmark of this. I often think of answering people with "fat" when they ask how I am and then "fat isn't an emotion, Willow." It's a struggle... take care girl. Try to take stuff with your dad as it comes.
Lots of love and a huge hug!
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