No new year resolutions - only one mission

Happy new year! I avoid doing any resolutions, so I didn't make any. I'm just mixed right now... it's like I realized that I've come to the point where I've got real friends - it's all I ever hoped for, at least one person who can handle me and to who I can tell everything. Suddenly, I don't know how this happened but I got 4 of those friends. Furthermore I got a bunch of people who are really important to me and life without them would be terribly hard, and I even got a new family...
     ...it's like I just realized that I've reached my finish line on that side of life a good while ago. But does it make me happy with myself? No, at the moment I've still done what I always do; leave myself out and never appreciate it. And now it's all twisted around again because losing weight has become something forbidden and something I shouldn't do (except that now I really need to, last year gave me extra 30lb that I need to get of to be at the point where I said I'm quite happy with my body). 

And I don't know what to do, where to go and which way to turn. I'm not happy with my body and that has to change this year. But unfortunately I don't know how because thing that started last summer seems to be just going on and on... when I eat 800 calories and move to burn it I just gain. That should be impossible but right now I just want to cry because it's really happening. 

Now I'm at Singapore and I try to change my eating habits so that I'l eat more in the morning. Don't know if that will help because eating breakfast hasn't ever been my thing. 

And you know, the only thing I ever wanted to do for myself is to do the triathlon but now I don't know if there's enough time. China was mentally so draining that I had no energy to anything there... I felt that it's somehow wrong. But how stupid is that, getting shape and healthy and I feel like it's too good to me?
   Time is just an excuse. There is time and I can do it... for real. Not letting myself believe this to the other way around that I can eat everything because "I'm in recovery". That has been the hardest fall back, you know. I ended up testing if I can eat this, this and this... and it was like "I'm letting my ed to control me if I cannot finish this... " so I took it to the other extreme. Focusing on being not consumed by my ed and still I ended up being consumed and I ended up fat and miserable. I had the body I was quite ok with. Instead of doing the right and wise choices I jumped on "I can eat this now!" boat and there was no moderation to speak of. Call it BED or what ever but this has to stop now. 

So right now because I'm in Singapore and the hostel is giving certain challenges for the cooking part... but my diet shall look like this:
Breakfast: 2 toast, yogurt, orange juice & coffee (250)
Lunch: Fruit buzz... something made of them. (200-400)
Dinner: Curry, veg, noodle/ chicken soup with bread slice. (400-600)

That should be intake around 1000-1300 calories when filled wise - I know I need to be careful with protein in that one. Furthermore I'll try to run and/or swim daily so that I can get my triathlon training started. Then for Phuket I'll create more structured program. In other words I'll change my focus to exercising instead of not eating (that hasn't been happening too well) that is the other option in my mind right now... and as for that, I got too much to loose. Because I've been so confused lately when I'm thinking 2012. So I'm doing good in social side but now it's time to use that and get even better because I'm tired of hating myself and playing the denial game, lying to everyone and betraying myself. We truly are as sick as our secrets... I really want to change that.