I can hear my hear beat

Really I love it here. <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p" singapore.="singapore.">Amazing place to live, multicultural, people are kind and smiling and even cars stop when you're about to cross the street. I found my place in this little globe... it's like everything before this was "ok, better than Finland, BUT" here I just knew it.

My visa applying is huge problem, it's like I had all the papers and then at the embassy they just said that there's some paper missing... and now I got only 2 days to get the visa and I hope they can do it. I should have all the papers I need but will see. Hopefully I can get it because other wise I need figure out something else... I don't have money for another visa trip and even now I've been skipping all the cool things I really want to do; like Universal studios, zoo, cruises, cool parks and so on "just in case". But even so, I still love this place. (Actually I almost wish that I could kiss goodbye for Phuket, I really could stay here and find a job... stay in this nice hostel with cheap rent and free internet)

I've been to the movies 3 times and I'm going today also. It's good way to avoid eating too much since I take only diet coke with me. And here's some really cool places to run and exercise so I just think that those cool places will be waiting for me another time.

So all I can say is that I'm doing fine even though there's a possibility that my plans are going to be screwed. And I'm thinking so what? Then I'll figure something out and do a U-turn. That's the great thing about life that when someone rewrites your plans, you can always do something amazing because you're not tied to anything! U-turn as staying... ^^

Yesterday was interesting day, still relating to this "how on earth things can truly be ok for once?" I went to movies and watched Les Miserables... and fuck. I cried. I cried like three times during the movie and about an hour after it. I don't cry because of movies. Ever. And still I was sitting on top of the Marina Square stares and sobbing my eyes out. Like how could this happen, that I'm crying because I'm so happy? I shouldn't be I'm fatter than ever (if I look at the scale) - but still I fit in the same shorts as 20lbs ago... that shouldn't be possible, maybe my scale is broken... but I'm just too scared to step on the other one because if it's not broken, then I don't know how to live with this.
   And I don't know how to live with the fact either that when I went to my e-mail the night before yesterday there was one post from the Jew boy I had met in Qufu while training Kung Fu. He said that he misses me. On top of all the other nice things he has said to me (the only thing is that he's a Jew and I'm not... and I'm not going to be)... I was nearly booking flights there. There was also mail from Aya and Cat... Aya has find her way to Finland and she was stopping by Cat's house before leaving again - this time to Italy. They said that they were thinking me so much that they needed to write to me.... Zhu had also written me a long mail - I love to workout thing with that girl. It's someone is standing there looking at the same puzzle and I feel so much less alone because someone has the same problems - someone knows what I mean without explaining, feels it and even i her dealing ways are totally different (no ed) and that's one of the most helpful things because I hope it will help me to see my falls and challenges some truths that I keep certain even if they aren't.
   And stillimagining also had written me one mail that warmed me so much. I just keep wondering where did these people come from and why they aren't leaving already.

But the reason I say this here is that, I know this can happen to you too. I was in such a bad place and alone., didn't trust anyone... but you know, there's people out there, in the real world who care. I care, even if the life kicked me down and six feet under, I still care about others and I can't stop. So no matter how alone you are now, no matter how lost or dark, it won't always be that way. If you cannot do it for you, do it for the fellow blogger and take the lesson from there with you, that makes you a better person; that you can take it in, learn and get out because only that way you can help others not to die in theirs. And it's like a night and day, the darkness will always return but never the same. Next time you might have a candle, next time you might have extra batteries for your flash light... next time you know the way a little bit better. But the dark won't stay forever, it can't. But you can follow it and you can be trapped in it and that's why it looks like it's never going away. It's easier to give love than take it when you feel that you're not worthy, you are. You deserve people who love you because of who you are but requires taking a risk and letting them close. Now finally when I was crying on top of the stares, I knew I had made it. I had taken the risk of letting few people close. I let them touch me inside and I hope I won't get broken by them... not like the ones before. Yet, it took so much power, so many nights, years and courage, but the feeling when you accomplish something like that it's overwhelming on it's own. Not to mention the love from the others who're not even here with me and I still feel it. It took me to the other side of the world to face it that there really is people who love me; sometimes distance helps to say the things that we need to say and to hear what we need to hear. Now I'm standing there, looking at the broken rag doll that used to be me, I'm still not porcelain, I'm still not new or whole - far from perfect, but I got new insides, few more stitches and new skin cover... and I know that this little broken rag doll that I used to be is following me everywhere; I will carry her on my back and sometimes she'll feel way too heavy. Sometimes I will fade and the edges between us will blur as she leans against me so hard. But in the end I'm the only one she has so I need to make sure that I have people taking care of me when I fall because otherwise she will be in trouble.

<3 and="and" i="i" it.="it." it="it" love="love" mean="mean" p="p" say="say" when="when" you="you">