No header, maybe trying to end with positives

It's so cold in here, it might be minus but how the hell that freezing breath got inside of me?

What replies, thank you my ladies! I can't thank you enough for that huge support you guys are to me, warming when it's cold both in and out.

 I got study plan done after few more tear drops, I'm still massively stressed out and I'm gaining thanks to that. My -4 from new year is now -2.... SHIT. I haven't been moving, I have been slacking off and eating 1200 each day, I shouldn't gain on that. I need a killer workout. And I'm struggling to handle the stress... right now I'm combining breakfast and lunch again and playing with the options I have here - and then I'm thinking that do I just like to be pathetic or what the fuck is it that drives me downwards, pulls me there, teases me, fascinates me... what is it? Because by far I know it's not an easy answer. It's far from easy and will make things million times more difficult. The result has been by far some kind of mixture of that. I simply refuse or try my best not to exceed 1200 calories per day, no matter how much I move and past 3 weeks I've been writing it all down. I think it's the longest I've stayed on this project writing it up... and it's usually this 3 weeks when it starts to get little waggy, I'm starting to play around to drop the calories and then I finally stop writing to keep my head straight... but I'm determined to go on 12 weeks. And then do another 12 weeks... and go on... and on and on.

What is stressing me actually now that I know I can manage my school work? All the shit I see here. I... I honestly don't know what to do about it. I can't do a thing but then again, if I don't how can I handle what's to come? Fourth day at my mom's and I'm like this... crying all the time, if not for real then from the inside. I wonder if I'm making too big deal out of it all, exaggerating and thinking too black and white. I don't know. I'm shocked, that's what I know for sure. I'm also sad, mad, powerless, worried, scared, terrified, guilty, relieved, responsible... I'm way too many things. So many that I wish the Ron Weasley emotional range; teaspoon. I'm like this because I'm sick and tired of people not telling me things....
   Ok. Breathe. Here's what happened; I was looking for a glue from the kitchen counter and I came across a hospital note for my mom. It was open there so of course I looked through it and figured that mom has been invited to have a sleep apnea test. Sure I noticed that she has gained it all back, probably weighs over 100kg even though she's fairly tall, so you can't really tell... then I figured that there's also high blood pressure medication described for her. I knew when she got it but it was supposed to be temporary and it was three years ago. I got furious inside. With these genes she's going to have a stroke (known for the heart problems) or something worse within the next ten years if something doesn't change. I had to leave the kitchen to cry in the bathroom when she came back from work that day and I saw what she put on her plate. Double portion alone in there and cabbage and bell pepper in the box next to that plate. I had thought that the mango was a good sign but she hasn't been touching it at all.
 
 Put this to the context with my dad who is now enjoying his pension days... his driving is reckless, not in the controllable way - there's something weird going on with his nerve system. It's like little moves; shaking leg, shaking hands and little muscle pulls are normal for him but now I've also noticed that it has gotten worse in a manner of... I don't know how to describe it. It's like when he sees the stimuli, it takes x seconds, usually two or three for him to react and when he reacts it's with full power and uncontrollable speed - like when you get scared and your body throws a panic reaction. I think it's related to the drinking. He's an alcoholic... not your stereotypical one who sleeps on the street and waits outside of the shops door that the clock hits 9.00 to get the bottles out or goes driving drink - he would never do that. It might be moderate and he still survives everyday duties, pays his bills and so on but I'm well aware that he will die within ten years. Traffic accident or some other alcohol related incident. And the addiction is affecting my life. Just last week when I came in here one morning and he picked me up 8am from the station, we couldn't go to grocery store at that time. I had to drive back to his house later and take him grocery shopping. It took good two hours from me, in the middle of the day - why. At 8 am you can't get beer and if it's before 12 the 3 liters he buys every time won't last through the night. And the most ironic thing, the nearest shop where he can get it is 1km away from his house... but he had to get into that one bigger grocery story (cheaper beer) 7km away. And the worst part is there's nothing I can say. I can only drive him there because I'm borrowing his car. Can you imagine that feeling when you drive your own dad to a grocery store to buy something that kills him eventually and there's nothing you can do?

   I'm not the closest girl to my parents because of the years and years of not talking even though living together. They are pretty much strangers to me in one sense. I don't know much about their childhood, I don't know what they have been doing before they got me, I barely know how they met. It's same for them, I bet that they couldn't tell what's my favorite color or treat if someone asked. Or what do I do in the T-city when I'm not studying. But they're still my parents and even though I sometimes manage to forget that they exist, I do love them. I hate to admit that because it hurts so bad... I can't take the responsibility when I can barely take care of myself. But those two are basically killing themselves - that's how it has been for years so no wonder I tried it too. I can't save them, and that makes it so hard trying to get closer to them (which would be essential to me because I do miss them). I really don't want to fill the gap between us. I hate the idea of getting them back and losing them right away. Specially when I'm trying and I'm the only one doing the work (with mom... dad just makes me so pissed these days that I have to use all my self control not to throw the nearest thing at his face - he might try to get closer to me but I can't take it in).

It's all way too complicated. Emotionally complicated which takes a lot of time to figure and I feel like I don't have it. Lately I've been having also the very strong desire to just give it all up and ask someone to put me in white little room with a bed, no responsibilities where I could just spent my day by throwing the ball on a wall to catch it, throw it, catch it, throw it, catch it, throw it... catch... throw... catch... t h r o w. . . c a t c h . . . .but that would be little too selfish, wouldn't it.
   Then add up all the work.
   Then add up one shit head who simply said to me "you're not the only one" when I said that it has been hard autumn and without the trip to Thailand I would be on sick leave. He had my study records open there... 12 points from autumn when I normally have 60. But I see that without a paper from a doctor I'm just the slack lazy ass student like all of us. I would love to change my instructor but there's no one else. There's 4 people staff in archaeology so he's the only option. But I've decided to change uni after BS. I have right to study Master and after BS all the options are open... so I'll change, I'm not going to rot in that hole anymore even though I love that city more than anything.

When the light is out, it's good to be someone who can lent you a flash light.

I think I might escape to Suna's again today like I did yesterday. Hugs and kisses and pancakes are the best solution when there's no solution. But try to focus the positive? Right? I got still too many job applications to sent and I have no idea where I'm going to end up. Will see. Too many pictures but the words seem so vain right now.

The real pic of my breakfast last Sunday... (yea, it is whipping cream on the side - so damn sinful :p)

My new shoes, I needed shoes for winter didn't have any and I've been walking with converses in the snow. Not the most practical option, lemme tell ya... but then I found these. -60% sale and the final price was 24 euros. A true treasure. Two pairs left and both my size so that was a sign and definitely they were meant to be.

And lastly the birthday cakes we made for Oota last weekend. Caramel/rasperry and three cholcolates. They went all... it was so funny looking at people getting little pieces more and more saying omg, this is so embarrassing but I just can't stop eating this! They were good... I have to admit even though we had a piece from both and ate it half with her, so it's one piece in total :D, sneaky, sneaky.