Late Valentine to all of you!

Took me two weeks to crawl out of that little black hole, finish one of those works and today I'm hearing the feedback from it. Last weekend I got a little flue from Suna and that slowed me down a little. This week it's paper number two I need to start and moving my ass off.

I've got food diary week number six going on and I think it's a new record really. I've never ever done it this long without getting crazy and decreasing my intake, then realizing that no don't do it like this and stopped. It really is helpful thing to track my process... I don't own a scale and instead of staring numbers that make me anxious and negative, it's better to track calories to get the feeling of success when you hit the target and then see the surprise when you jump on the scale at someone's house. Sure even now I'm anxious to know how much I weigh, but not in the negative way that would consume the whole day. I know I will get to know it eventually.
   There's also two people I need to introduce now... life shows it's way to support again. When you're in the hole screaming, you get suddenly new people in your life. In my Chinese class there's this on lady who has been sitting next to me couple of times, she looks like natural all the time and has gotten a degree on folkmusic. Not really my thing at all... I listen to all kind of music but I don't do it. She was nice case but I don't know will we ever be more than just study buddies. Anyway it's nice to have it even like that because then you're not alone with it.
 
Then there's Miffy, I've been with her a lot lately and she has so many issues going on with docs and everyone that it's really relief to have her around. Someone I can talk to again with an attitude where I don't need to hide that much if nothing. Both little crazy, she's actually getting real help for that... or that's what they say but I dunno if the help is helping. Looks like typical mental care case where the only real benefit she's gaining from that all, is the paper she can rely on to explain why her works are delayed and why she can't perform. These shit head kind of types can't laugh at her and say that they're lying.
   Anyway I like that girl quite much and she's such a pleasure to hang around with. Happy, cheery type you would never believe to have any sort of problems... well, I get the picture that she's a lot better than before. So in that sense too it's nice to have someone who's overcoming her issues instead of dwelling them. Like Suna with all the love for her but she could as well say that she wants to die (which she hopefully does not, that one she said to me clearly... but I bet she playing with the thought "what if I didn't exist"). I just asked her yesterday that if she would punch her every time she says something negative, harsh or mean to herself, how would she look like at the end of the day. She couldn't answer. I bet she would be in hospital after a week if someone assaulted her like that everyday and she definitely wouldn't look like a happy, healthy mom who comes to take the kids home from the daycare that she wants to be.
   Actually I would love to say to her to go to someone who's professional. I don't know if I can really help her to get up from that dwell... I know it's not a fast process, it takes time to built a new life from scratches to answer the question who am I. And she has just started that journey. Reminds me of it how it was not too long ago when I was thinking I got nothing in my life, nothing to share, nothing to live for, nothing just simply nothing. Just the emptiness and the feeling that something is missing.

Will see how much I can get out of myself this week to write and stay with you guys too. I miss you. Terribly... and I've been also thinking a new theme I could write about because I feel that it might be a good thing to have something else too to blog about than my life alone... I mean I like my life now, it has color, thing happen and it's not the robotic mode so much anymore like it used to. But in the middle of all of this I need something to spice this up... something else... what could it be I have no idea. But I want it to be something that makes people happy, delights their day and can be shared with joy. Something that comes straight from the heart... I'll try to figure that out and ideas are welcome. What would you like to see and read about my life?

 And Happy Valentine!
(Better late than ever, the left one was for Yuki and the right one for Suna, you guys get them both because you're so amazing, loving and knowing all of you makes me sooo happy and lucky that I can't tell you how much your support means to me.)